Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? The latest with me

The divorce stuff is moving along now.

I talked to the lawyer, he said most likely the court will divide the assets 50/50. This is disappointing because I saved a lot of money over the years, of course, she has the right to part of it because she paid the bills etc which allowed me to save the money but still I made quite a bit more salary than her so 50/50 means she walks away with free money. Of course, the big piece of this is my daughter, so that's my priority money can be made even if it sets me back 7 years.

Now STBXW hasn't said a word to me about any of this or the divorce in general. She just emailed me when she filed for the divorce and said we could talk about it if I wanted to. I didn't because if she wanted to talk about it she should've done that before filing.

Anyway, I see her almost every three or four days she's very nice as usual, she even offers to help or casually offer me to stay for dinner once in a while etc. Sometimes I accept because even after all this and a year and a half I still love her and miss her but usually I try to be strong and tell her I have other plans even if I don't.

In a way it might sound that she's manipulating me but inside I feel that she's just unhappy with herself and her life and the whole divorce thing was the outcome of that. I still feel she's a good person inside. Of course I could be totally wrong but that's how I feel.

Anyway, that's the situation with me.

That sounds very frustrating. Maybe she really does want to talk about it? I am very sorry. Perhaps communication at this point is a good thing. Does she already know how you feel?

Thanks, it is frustrating. I don't think she wants to discuss it or else she would've said something, it's been over a year and a half and she hasn't made any attempt to discuss anything. Everytime she said something was in response to my asking her and each time she said she has a lot of anger towards me. I said to her why does she have anger and hatred towards me, she said she doesn't hate me. I asked then why can't we be together? she said because she's forgiven me but she can't forget...so we just go around and around in a circle. Finally I gave up asking her anything a few months ago.

I see every nice action from her as if she's expressing her true feelings towards me but my friends say that she's definitely moved on and all she's saying is "this is what I want, we'll live two separate lives but lets just be civil about it".

I don't see how people can change like an on/off switch like that or maybe I'm just too naive and gullible.

I don't know how people have on/off switches, either. I do the same thing, too, btw, every nice thing that H says/does I interpret to death as something other than what it really is...just him trying to keep things friendly/civil.

What do I do, I'm completely torn apart?

Last week my lawyer told me he had arranged for a mutual meeting with my wife's lawyers to discuss the division of assets. I told my wife that I don't want this but I have to do this if she wants the divorce. I suggested we met for lunch and talked. She agreed. I took her to a nice restaurant and we talked about lots of random stuff and joked. Towards the end I told her that I wish she'd given me another chance because I love her...she said 'OK'. I couldn't believe my ears. She said she wants to go slow though. I was ecstatic, I was the happiest man on earth over the next couple of days.

Last night she dropped another bomb on me though, this one hurts the most. She said a month ago she had sex with someone and as if that wasn't bad enough she's contracted herpes. How could she do this???! She was very apologetic, she said she was devastated, she couldn't believe she could be so stupid or irresponsible. I feel like a 20 ton bulldozer rolled over me. I'm just shattered to pieces. I met her for lunch today and hugged her and told her I'd be by her side but I'm very hurt inside.

I need help...I keep imagining and picture how it probably happened and I'm in rage. Not towards her...I'm devastated. What am I supposed to do now? I love her but will I get over this? How could she wait for over a year and half and do this just a month ago when we were spending more time together as friends and we were being nice to each other. What kid of scum bag could do this to a single mom?

Guys I need some words of advice. I haven't eaten since yesterday not even during lunch and I now have a fever so I left work early.

Wow.
sorry to hear about your pain.
yet happy(?) about your potential reconciliation.

I was originally going to ask, "what is she so mad about, that she cant forgive?"

It seems rather likely now, though, that her affair was the primary cause of all this.

be prepared for more pain.
Judging by the things that many many other people have gone through in similar situations: Odds are, she didnt "just have sex a month ago".
It's more likely she's been having an affair since august 2006, and she only FOUND OUT that she caught herpes from the guy, a month ago.

Not definate, of course. but many people have been told by their leaving spouse, "well, we had sex this one time", only to find out later, it was actually a long term physical affair.

PS: #1 piece of advice:
you need to eat what you can. or you'll get sicker.
I find that it is easy for me to drink the "ensure" meal replacement drinks. they have 3 flavors: vanilla, chocolate, or some other thing.
It's small, so you dont have to force yourself to drink a lot.
Just drink it.

hey SR-
wow, this is a major turn. maybe this fling is what flipped the switch in her mind. or maybe she was having sex with this guy for a while, and recently found out he was cheating on her, thus the herpes (by the way, herpes does not show up immediately, read up on it a bit more and you may become suspicious that she is not being honest with you). maybe it's what told her that the single life, life with new people, is not easy; in a lot of ways, it sucks.

if i were you, i'd be VERY wary of this change of heart from her. my H asked me back then decided he did not want to work on things 6 times within 4 months. each time he was certain he wanted to work on things, then would decide that he couldn't go through with it.

a long time ago i asked you what you would do if she decided to come back after all she's done to you. you weren't sure. let me assure you that if she does come back, there are no guarantees that she will stay, and it will NOT be easy. my H and i are currently piecing things back together; he moved out of his apartment and into my house; i'm still skeptical of him staying and really working on this with me. it still feels like i'm the one carrying the marriage and compromising.

my advice to you would be this: hope for the best, prepare for the worst. DO NOT let yourself be too vulnerable to her. DO NOT kiss her ass. decide what is the most you can take and are willing to forgive, because chances are, you will find out more than you ever wanted to know.

how is your daughter?

SR- i truly hope this works out so that you may put your family back together, i know it's what you've been wanting for so very long now. hang in there. e-mail me whenever you need, i'm here for you.

kiki

hey SR-
wow, this is a major turn. maybe this fling is what flipped the switch in her mind. or maybe she was having sex with this guy for a while, and recently found out he was cheating on her, thus the herpes (by the way, herpes does not show up immediately, read up on it a bit more and you may become suspicious that she is not being honest with you). maybe it's what told her that the single life, life with new people, is not easy; in a lot of ways, it sucks.

if i were you, i'd be VERY wary of this change of heart from her. my H asked me back then decided he did not want to work on things 6 times within 4 months. each time he was certain he wanted to work on things, then would decide that he couldn't go through with it.

a long time ago i asked you what you would do if she decided to come back after all she's done to you. you weren't sure. let me assure you that if she does come back, there are no guarantees that she will stay, and it will NOT be easy. my H and i are currently piecing things back together; he moved out of his apartment and into my house; i'm still skeptical of him staying and really working on this with me. it still feels like i'm the one carrying the marriage and compromising.

my advice to you would be this: hope for the best, prepare for the worst. DO NOT let yourself be too vulnerable to her. DO NOT kiss her ass. decide what is the most you can take and are willing to forgive, because chances are, you will find out more than you ever wanted to know.

how is your daughter?

SR- i truly hope this works out so that you may put your family back together, i know it's what you've been wanting for so very long now. hang in there. e-mail me whenever you need, i'm here for you.

kiki

hey SR-
wow, this is a major turn. maybe this fling is what flipped the switch in her mind. or maybe she was having sex with this guy for a while, and recently found out he was cheating on her, thus the herpes (by the way, herpes does not show up immediately, read up on it a bit more and you may become suspicious that she is not being honest with you). maybe it's what told her that the single life, life with new people, is not easy; in a lot of ways, it sucks.

if i were you, i'd be VERY wary of this change of heart from her. my H asked me back then decided he did not want to work on things 6 times within 4 months. each time he was certain he wanted to work on things, then would decide that he couldn't go through with it.

a long time ago i asked you what you would do if she decided to come back after all she's done to you. you weren't sure. let me assure you that if she does come back, there are no guarantees that she will stay, and it will NOT be easy. my H and i are currently piecing things back together; he moved out of his apartment and into my house; i'm still skeptical of him staying and really working on this with me. it still feels like i'm the one carrying the marriage and compromising.

my advice to you would be this: hope for the best, prepare for the worst. DO NOT let yourself be too vulnerable to her. DO NOT kiss her ass. decide what is the most you can take and are willing to forgive, because chances are, you will find out more than you ever wanted to know.

how is your daughter?

SR- i truly hope this works out so that you may put your family back together, i know it's what you've been wanting for so very long now. hang in there. e-mail me whenever you need, i'm here for you.

kiki

SR, good news bad news no doubt. It sounds like she has been having second thoughts about all of this and now is facing the consequences of some bad choices. I also suspect that she's looking back to you as the one person she feels will give her the loving support she needs to get through the difficult time of dealing with these bad choices.

So the trick for you is to give her the support she needs while also protecting yourself too. With regards to piecing your relationship and marriage back together take it slow and steady and make sure you have a solid counselor to help you two through this process. I am absolutely convinced that it's nearly impossible to piece it back together without a good impartial professional to help guide you.

Lastly, dealing with your own pain and anger over the incident. Remember this isn't something she did to you but to herself and now she's having to deal with it. So for you the first thing is forgiveness. First to yourself for your own anger. Here's a link I hit when I need to work on forgiveness, http://www.celebratelove.com/forgive.htm.

Love is an act of endless forgiveness. - Peter Ustinov