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She knows she hurt you... trust me. My W is very aware of the fact that she hurt me. You know what though.. it's my fault. That's right.. I'm to blame. At least from her perspective. So brining that up will only bring that monster to the table. Not worth it.

Also.. by letting her know you "really do know what happened" will be an insult as you've been snooping on her. That makes them run with their hair on fire screaming. DON'T DO THAT!!!

IF she confronts you about the call, like Mark said.. you had to confirm your thoughts. Prepare for the blame game. But this is where you can say "I forgive you". Don't push it.. don't beg plead etc, because she'll see it for maybe what it is???

You sound like you are possibly in the stage of bartering. "I'll forgive you.. just come back" They can sense that a mile out. If you get the opp... say it, but don't repeat and don't dig in.

BTDT.

May I ask why? Is there an answer that will satisfy you? Not sure which one we are talking about (before or recent), but if it's recent then you have not done my homework my friend.

You want to know why my W cheated and probably why yours did? Because they weren't happy with us and our M. You should know why. Doesn't mean it's right, but you should know the answer to that. Me:

I wasn't affectionate enough
I didn't talk to her
I was mean because she was mean
etc
etc
etc

Those are the reasons.. there isn't a magical answer of "I was walking around and we just fell into it"

Nope.. it's because of us. Those are the things you need to understand about yourself and determine whether or not you would like to change them. If not.. it's possible that whatever it was could cause problems in the next R. Whether it's with your W or someone else.

Make sense?

well here is the thing...I knew that something happened before the wedding but wasnt 100% sure of what really happened and I still married her. Yes she did confront me on why I asked. I begged her not to talk about it now and let us talk later...I maybe said that 15-20 times. she would not let up. But here is the thing, she does not know that I knew what happened before the wedding so that is how Im going to bring it up. I was really thinking of saying it...just like that but now I know not to repeat it. I want to start over fresh, like we died and were reborn..

These posts are definitely giving some sound advice. I sent my wife an email early on telling her that she should not be worried about feeling guilty or my anger or any repercussions for what she had done (and it was only an EA).

Thinking back to that mail, I KNOW what I was trying to get across (she's stubborn and doesn't like to admit mistakes). I wanted to diffuse those feelings and let her know that all would be okay. "I love you, come on home now".

It could be that attitude of mine, however, that made things worse. She didn't want to know that I was willing to forgive her. She didn't care if I was angry. Hell, she was getting out of the marriage, what kind of repercussions could I levy against her???

This is not the time to tell her everything will be okay because in her mind, things are going to be okay without the marriage. It sucks and it takes some getting used to hearing. But this is what she's thinking and feeling.

Remember she's in a different frame of mind than you are in and probably different from any she has ever been in before. There are no quick fixes. It's going to take a lot of time and effort and, fortunately or unfortunately, a lot of the effort has to come from you. Work on you first before anything else. You can't fix the machine if the parts YOU control don't work. Take care of what you can.

I know that many W bring this up...the "you couldn't satify me"..those words that no man wants to ever hear. How do you take that and run with it..Cause I know once any man hears those words they will think maybe she is right. It is like you will be second guessing yourself and your ability to make love..

[/quote]
I want to start over fresh, like we died and were reborn.. [/quote]

That is an excellent quote... I would start there. I've said this to my W before. I wanted her to understand that this M is dead and all the baggage that was with it (hers and mine). We can either create a new M or we can go our separate ways. Unfortunately for me.. she's currently going in the separate way part.

You need to be prepared for that as well. That's where GAL, getting noticed and getting your attitude and ego where it belongs helps.

I completely understand where you are coming from.. I know it's like a parent telling a child "You'll understand when you get older" but it does get better. You need to know that this isn't all your fault and you deserve to be treated better. You won't feel that way until you get out of the guilt trap you are in. She will crash, but she'll have to do it on her own. You can't do anything to affect that other than make the flight longer.

[/quote]
I want to start over fresh, like we died and were reborn.. [/quote]

That is an excellent quote... I would start there. I've said this to my W before. I wanted her to understand that this M is dead and all the baggage that was with it (hers and mine). We can either create a new M or we can go our separate ways. Unfortunately for me.. she's currently going in the separate way part.

You need to be prepared for that as well. That's where GAL, getting noticed and getting your attitude and ego where it belongs helps.

I completely understand where you are coming from.. I know it's like a parent telling a child "You'll understand when you get older" but it does get better. You need to know that this isn't all your fault and you deserve to be treated better. You won't feel that way until you get out of the guilt trap you are in. She will crash, but she'll have to do it on her own. You can't do anything to affect that other than make the flight longer.

I want to start over fresh, like we died and were reborn.. [/quote]

That is an excellent quote... I would start there. I've said this to my W before. I wanted her to understand that this M is dead and all the baggage that was with it (hers and mine). We can either create a new M or we can go our separate ways. Unfortunately for me.. she's currently going in the separate way part.

You need to be prepared for that as well. That's where GAL, getting noticed and getting your attitude and ego where it belongs helps.

I completely understand where you are coming from.. I know it's like a parent telling a child "You'll understand when you get older" but it does get better. You need to know that this isn't all your fault and you deserve to be treated better. You won't feel that way until you get out of the guilt trap you are in. She will crash, but she'll have to do it on her own. You can't do anything to affect that other than make the flight longer. [/quote]


Well that is what I really want her to know..but I know that she is already gone, and I am dead..no saving.

for some dumb a$$ reason I looked at her myspace, cause she is my top friend and her new name is new life = new adventures...her quote...moved on..

anyone there? I need to talk...