Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done Filing is on the horizon...

Didn't get a chance to ask about MC, she's nagging me about the L again. Her sense of urgency is to get filed so we can be final before the end of the year. Aparently she's getting some coaching that she should be done by then to avoid tax issues in the next year. That just absolutely sucks that her main concern is taxes, funny because she hasn't done the taxes in 10 years. She sends me an IM that says "i hate to push i know it isn't a pleasant topic but we really need to get the divorce papers filed best for taxes etc to have it finalized in '07" I guess I won't ask about the MC now, but feel that she should need to do some of the lifting if she really wants this to happen. If I stall any more, will it seem like more pressure from me to reconsider? But, do I have any other options?

Has anyone found that actually filing and moving forward on the D helped the relationship? My W wants closure, but yet is going to counseling and seems to be getting better, but still want closure on this. With me not helping, not in the way, just not helping, it seems to be irritating her and making things worse. I guess in my imagination, if we don't file, we still have a chance, but the opposite would be that just because we do file, doesn't me we can't still work on it. So, if filing makes her relax and be able to focus on what resolving issues and perhaps moving towards forgiveness, then maybe I'm better off with the D and working from there.

Has anyone seen an improvement in the R after the D?

notaclue,

Your situation seems very similar to mine. My ex and I separated last year (Aug '06). She filed for the D on November 21st, '06. I hoped and prayed that we could get things worked out, but it was like the whole thing was on autopilot. She went to one counseling session with me and then went on her own. I also went on my own. The counseling was very good and very expensive. Over and over, I kept hearing about the letting go. It is definitely easier said than done.

My ex wasn't doing anything until her lawyer got things going. The lawyers are another whole topic. I had one, got rid of him and represented myself. Ex probably got billed about $10K and her attorney didn't do anything but schedule meetings and generate letters and phone calls. I would definitely recommend mediation if it gets to that point.

We had moments where I thought things were going to work themselves out. Every time the process moved forward, she seemed to get angrier with me. Not sure what the rational is here. She made some really wild accusations in the divorce hearing, I think just to make herself feel better about what she was doing. Also, very toxic relationship between myself and her parents. This never helped. She would vent to them and, of course, got only her version of the situation.

Anyway, our D was final the end of August. She has been seeing another man, which I just found out about a few days ago. I don't see how anyone could date while all this stuff is going on. I can understand everything now except for that. This was absolutely devastating to me.

Only advice I can offer is that your wife has probably made up her mind. Prepare yourself. I got a lot of support from friends and got involved in a church. Never read the Bible until this happened. I found the Biblical view of relationships to be very helpful. Wish I would have known earlier.

Right now my ex and I are barely speaking. I hope to change this eventually. Need to get my emotions under control. This has been the biggest challenge. We have three young girls, which makes communication pretty important. I think I probably backtracked about 8 months during the time up to and around our court date because of all the fighting. Now just have to be really patient. She is worth waiting for.

Hope this helps.

I would agree. One of my biggest regrets is not getting involved in a church together and bringing God more strongly into our lives. I never read the bible before either and am making my way through it now.

Regarding the filing, I can see the benefit of closure during the tax year. I have had similar thoughts of not wanting to carry this over into 2008. I still can not believe that I am in this situation.

Hi there. I recently started frequenting this site again. I have posted under "separated now what?" Y'all's situation is almost identical to mine. W stated she wanted a D. I said ok, just give me 90 days before filing so that I can get my living arrangements in order, we were already separated. Her sister told me that W was still unsure about wanting a D. W agreed to the 90 waiting period on the condition that I sign the papers. She swore that she would not file until 90 days. I believe her b/c the only issues we had were fussing and bickering. That's it. Anyways, I signed. I also told her that if she was deadset on a divorce, we could forego the 90 days wait. She said she she wanted the D. I remained calm, but was ripped apart inside. Last sunday she sends me a text msg telling me that her sister had delivered her 1st child. I was sad b/c I wasn't there b/c her family loved me and I loved them. We exchanged a few msgs and I cut it off. The papers are not filed although I told her to go ahead and file. Better to get it over with instead of foolishly holding out hope I thought. Maybe the birth of her nephew has just distracted her and she will file soon enough. Or maybe she will catch "baby fever" and realize that our issues don't warrant throwing in the towel yet. Who knows. I still cant get over her saying that she wanted to remain friends after the divorce, if we divorce. That would kill me to see her with another man. However,if I want her back after the D, being her friend would help that more than it would hurt. Thoughts? I am at a loss and in limbo for now. To be continued...

Hi there. I recently started frequenting this site again. I have posted under "separated now what?" Y'all's situation is almost identical to mine. W stated she wanted a D. I said ok, just give me 90 days before filing so that I can get my living arrangements in order, we were already separated. Her sister told me that W was still unsure about wanting a D. W agreed to the 90 waiting period on the condition that I sign the papers. She swore that she would not file until 90 days. I believe her b/c the only issues we had were fussing and bickering. That's it. Anyways, I signed. I also told her that if she was deadset on a divorce, we could forego the 90 days wait. She said she she wanted the D. I remained calm, but was ripped apart inside. Last sunday she sends me a text msg telling me that her sister had delivered her 1st child. I was sad b/c I wasn't there b/c her family loved me and I loved them. We exchanged a few msgs and I cut it off. The papers are not filed although I told her to go ahead and file. Better to get it over with instead of foolishly holding out hope I thought. Maybe the birth of her nephew has just distracted her and she will file soon enough. Or maybe she will catch "baby fever" and realize that our issues don't warrant throwing in the towel yet. Who knows. I still cant get over her saying that she wanted to remain friends after the divorce, if we divorce. That would kill me to see her with another man. However,if I want her back after the D, being her friend would help that more than it would hurt. Thoughts? I am at a loss and in limbo for now. To be continued...

Hi there. I recently started frequenting this site again. I have posted under "separated now what?" Y'all's situation is almost identical to mine. W stated she wanted a D. I said ok, just give me 90 days before filing so that I can get my living arrangements in order, we were already separated. Her sister told me that W was still unsure about wanting a D. W agreed to the 90 waiting period on the condition that I sign the papers. She swore that she would not file until 90 days. I believe her b/c the only issues we had were fussing and bickering. That's it. Anyways, I signed. I also told her that if she was deadset on a divorce, we could forego the 90 days wait. She said she she wanted the D. I remained calm, but was ripped apart inside. Last sunday she sends me a text msg telling me that her sister had delivered her 1st child. I was sad b/c I wasn't there b/c her family loved me and I loved them. We exchanged a few msgs and I cut it off. The papers are not filed although I told her to go ahead and file. Better to get it over with instead of foolishly holding out hope I thought. Maybe the birth of her nephew has just distracted her and she will file soon enough. Or maybe she will catch "baby fever" and realize that our issues don't warrant throwing in the towel yet. Who knows. I still cant get over her saying that she wanted to remain friends after the divorce, if we divorce. That would kill me to see her with another man. However,if I want her back after the D, being her friend would help that more than it would hurt. Thoughts? I am at a loss and in limbo for now. To be continued...

Hi there. I recently started frequenting this site again. I have posted under "separated now what?" Y'all's situation is almost identical to mine. W stated she wanted a D. I said ok, just give me 90 days before filing so that I can get my living arrangements in order, we were already separated. Her sister told me that W was still unsure about wanting a D. W agreed to the 90 waiting period on the condition that I sign the papers. She swore that she would not file until 90 days. I believe her b/c the only issues we had were fussing and bickering. That's it. Anyways, I signed. I also told her that if she was deadset on a divorce, we could forego the 90 days wait. She said she she wanted the D. I remained calm, but was ripped apart inside. Last sunday she sends me a text msg telling me that her sister had delivered her 1st child. I was sad b/c I wasn't there b/c her family loved me and I loved them. We exchanged a few msgs and I cut it off. The papers are not filed although I told her to go ahead and file. Better to get it over with instead of foolishly holding out hope I thought. Maybe the birth of her nephew has just distracted her and she will file soon enough. Or maybe she will catch "baby fever" and realize that our issues don't warrant throwing in the towel yet. Who knows. I still cant get over her saying that she wanted to remain friends after the divorce, if we divorce. That would kill me to see her with another man. However,if I want her back after the D, being her friend would help that more than it would hurt. Thoughts? I am at a loss and in limbo for now. To be continued...

Sorry for the duplicitous posts. Not sure how that happened.

I too would have difficulty remaining friends. This pains me to say, because I considered this woman to be my very best friend whom I contacted several times a day. I miss the inside jokes we would share and her laughter. Since we have a daughter, we will have to be civil (or that is my goal anyway).

Back to the friends topic. I have essentially had four serious girlfriends prior to getting married (I did not marry until 34), and although if I saw any of them I am certain we would share a hug and be able to enjoy each other's company, I have not remained 'friends' with any of them.

I used to exchange holiday cards with my first GF (16-21), but I stopped sending one...not sure why, but I felt odd sending a card once a year and I did not want her childeren getting older and asking who was this guy from another state sending a card. However, perhaps it would have been good for her to show her children that x's can actually get along.