Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Just found out that OW has a kid!!

So, H leaves for his big, African adventure tomorrow. I posted the little good luck charms I got for him, along with a Bon Voyage card last Friday, but haven't had any response, but I think I've figured out why.

I've figured out that H has been living with OW for some time now. You see, I hadn't done any snooping type stuff for a while, but today I caved, and checked the forum I know H posts on. In one thread, about where people live, he mentioned that he's always lived in the western suburbs, apart from a short period of time where he lived with his parents.

Anyway, I then went to look him up in the WhitePages, to see if there was anyone with his name living somewhere in the western suburbs, (I'd looked for OW's name when I figured out who she was, but came up empty), and whaddya know, there's someone with his last name, and his first initial who lives in the suburb practically next to mine! I'm rather confident that this would be the right place, because it's not too far from where OW's parents live, (they are listed in the phonebook). It's walking distance from my place....our place. In fact, I walked very near to there when I went to post the card to him at his parents' address just the other day.

I dunno whether to laugh or cry!

Anyway, I'm guessing he probably doesn't have the card yet, because it was sent to his parents' place, and he's not living there anymore. Hopefully he'll see his parents before he leaves for Africa tomorrow, and they'll remember to give it to him.

There were some other things he mentioned on the forum which got to me. Talking about waking up with a migraine in the middle of the night and having OW freak out because he couldn't speak properly, like he was having a stroke or something.

Or how OW's son couldn't understand why he wasn't allowed to give him cuddles when he was sick recently.

Oh, and a thread about religion, where he mentioned several reasons why he's glad he's not Catholic, which included the fact that if he was, he wouldn't be allowed to get a D, and so would have had to live unhappily for the rest of his life.

I know this is why people say not to snoop, and I hadn't done it for a while, but I just wanted to keep updated. At least now I do know that he's living with her. That's probably why his parents haven't invited me to their place, and instead they always come here whenever we get together for lunch. They probably know that he hasn't told me he's living with OW yet, and of course, if I go to their place, then I'll find out, won't I? And they don't want to tell me, because it's not their place to do so.

I just feel so damn offended to be left so in the dark about what's going on. I know that H probably rationalises that I don't deserve or need to know what he's up to these days, but that doesn't make it much easier to take.

Sent H a txt a bit earlier:
Good luck for your trip. Have a great time. Hope you got the good luck pressie. [I'd mentioned that I'd sent him something in an email last Frday] Dunno where you're at these days so just sent to your parents place.

Anyway, I didn't get a reply, so I sent a quick txt to MIL as well, basically saying the same thing, that I'd sent it to them because I wasn't sure where he was these days, so could she make sure he gets it before he leaves, as it's a going away thing, so it kinda defeats the purpose if he doesn't get it before he leaves, (and considering I actually put some thought and effort into it, I didn't want him to not get it, but I didn't mention that).

She replied right away and said she'd make sure she gave it to him when he comes over tomorrow morning, then said she'd contact me next week about catching up and stuff.

An hour or so goes by, and I get a txt from H:
"Thanks. I got the present."
Well obviously, judging by what his mum said, he hasn't gotten it yet, but was making out like he had, so I wouldn't tweak to him not living at his parents' place anymore.

I wondered if I should just leave it and he'd figure it out tomorrow morning if his mum mentioned my having checked with her that it had arrived, but then I thought bugger it, and sent this in reply:
Well when I checked with your mum to make sure it had arrived, she said she'd give it to you tomorrow morning when you go over there, but you're welcome in advance anyway. I added a on the end, so as not to come across as bitchy.

So right now he knows that I know he was telling little white lies, and he knows that I know he's no longer living with the 'rents. He done got bussssted.

I hope you didn't send H the little reminder email about D. Unless you want one why send it? It makes it sound like you want the D, and by not sending it you are allowing him time to figure out if he really wants OW or not. The reality of living with her may end up being negative. I really think your best bet is to be as dark as possible and let him figure out if the situation with OW is so great. Living with her and the child may lead to a huge wake up. The relationship is no longer in the fantasy phase, now it's time for reality. I'd give that some time. It sounds like a situation that could potentially become a big headache for him. Go GAL and have some fun!!!!

I personally think it's okay to snoop, or be aware of what's going on, as long as you don't read too much into everything, don't pull stuff out of porportion, and just think of it as informational. Basically I like to avoid surprises, but it's important not to make ASSumptions.

That doesn't mean he won't file for divorce. I'd be mentally prepared for that one. But don't remind him! Don't be a "MOM" to him. It sounds like he's living with a "mom" (and it's not even his own child!). That type of situation generally loses its charm after awhile.

I did end up mentioning it. Tacked it onto the end of the last email I sent him as a PS. I mostly used the wording that Strange had suggested, just a couple of very minor changes. I really felt the need to say something, because I was afraid he would be under the impression by now that I'm pro-D, so I wanted him to know where I stand. I tried not sound like I was pursuing, but rather saying that things were working just fine the way they were.



How much darker can I be though? We haven't seen each other or actually spoken since Christmas Eve last year, that's almost an entire year! I sent him a Bon Voyage card and included a little note about how I'd like to actually see him when he gets back so I can hear all about his Africa trip and see his photos. I haven't asked to see him since the end of January when I had my freakout after he told me about OW and I wanted a face to face meeting, even if it was with a C, so I could get the truth of what's going on.

After that I backed right off, and we didn't start having regular email contact again until my dad had a health scare several months back. I told my ILs about it, and they told H, and he emailed me to say he hoped my dad was OK, and that kinda kicked the communication off again.

I usually leave it about a week before I reply to his emails so as not to appear like I'm sitting here waiting for his replies with baited breath. Apart from the "please no D" stuff, I haven't brought up anything R related since we've been emailing again.

I can't get much more distant, or much more dark, I don't think.


It's probably coming up to his and OW's one year anniversary soon. I don't know exactly how long they've been together, but I think it's mid-Nov sometime. I've got no idea how long they've been living together.


I was on the forum he posts on earlier today. One of his buddies, (who used to also be one of my friends) has started a thread on there to document his trip to Africa. He actually titled the thread something like, "Let's follow his mid life crisis adventure every step of the way", which did make me laugh.

Anyway, I opened the thread and there's a whole itinerary for his trip in there, and right in the first post were a couple of photos his friend took of him at the airport right before he left. I just sat and stared at them for a couple of minutes. The friend is posting regular updates, including transcribed txt messages they've been exchanging.

Actually, I had a weird moment yesterday. H had left for Africa on Wed. On Thurs afternoon, I was on the bus. I had my elbow propped up on the edge of the window, and the sun glinted off the diamond in my engagement ring. I don't often sit and look at my rings these days, because it makes me sad, but I'm still wearing them....

Anyway, for the first time in however long I was sitting there looking at my rings, thinking of my H, wondering if he arrived in Africa safely, hoping he was having a good time where ever he was....

The bus had stopped to let some people on, but I wasn't paying attention, because I was looking at my rings. Then, when I looked up, someone had gotten on the bus and was sitting 2 seats in front of me and of all the people who could have gotten on that bus and sat right in front of me when I was wondering if H had arrived in Africa safely, it was an African!

That gorgeous, dark chocolate coloured skin. Almost bald, but for that thin, black fuzz. And wearing a shawl with a tribal African print. I very nearly went and asked them what country they were from, and if they had have said Tanzania, (where H was headed) I probably would have fainted.

Some (most) would call it coincidence. I call it a sign that yes, H had arrived safely in Africa, so I sent off a "Thanks for letting me know" to the big guy in the sky.


I've run through the scenario a million times where he tells me he's filing for D. One of the things I both love and hate about being a Piscean is that we're blessed with overactive imaginations. I've played it all out in my head: "I'm filing for D because OW is pregnant and we're going to get married and live happily ever after." But as many times as I've imagined it, I don't think it'll make it any easier to take if I actually do hear those words one day.

Ophelia,

Yes, that does sound like you've been dark for quite a while..... Did your husband date a lot of women before he met you? What do you think first attracted him to you? Do you have any idea of what might be attracting him to OW?

Like you, I've got an extremely overactive imagination (although I'm a Leo). I think in a situation like this it's wise to consider all possiblilities and get used to the idea that those are words you may hear.

That's exactly what happened in my sitch...okay just the OW being pregnant but it's probably only a matter of time before I hear that they are getting married. From my experience, it does make it easier. It made it easier for me to say...it's your life and you're the one that is going to have to live it. I did everything that I could it just wasn't enough. I'm walking away from this with my head held high and without regrets because I gave you all I had and that's the best anyone can do. You ruined my life with you, but you are not going to ruin my life.

Originally Posted By: runningoutoftime

Yes, that does sound like you've been dark for quite a while..... Did your husband date a lot of women before he met you? What do you think first attracted him to you? Do you have any idea of what might be attracting him to OW?

Well, we got together when we were 18, so there hadn't been much time for dating around, really. A couple of months before he met me, he'd broken up with a GF he'd been with for several months. It had been mostly long distance, and mostly unhappy since the beginning apparently. It's actually kind of interesting that he got with me after having been single for only a couple of months, and he got with OW after only having moved out of the house a couple of months (at most, I don't know exact dates) earlier. Yet one of his gripes about me was that I wasn't independent enough. Well look which one of us has been on their own for a whole year, compared to the one who can't be on their own for more than a couple of months at a time. I'd be laughing if it weren't so depressing.

As for what attracted him to me, I was fun and lighthearted and joking around and stuff. We had a lot in common. So that's how I've tried to be in my recent emails to him. Trying to push the image of the sad and desperate, abandoned wife out of his head, and remind him of the fun girl he fell in love with and always had something to chat about with.

As for what attracted him to OW, she was in the right place, at the right time, saying all the right things. She'd been through a D already, so I guess she kind of became his own personal D coach, validating everything he was thinking. So when he had me trying to convince him he was WRONG, and her comforting him and telling him he was RIGHT, it's really not much of a surprise that he ended up in her bed I suppose.

Originally Posted By: Hope_11

From my experience, it does make it easier. It made it easier for me to say...it's your life and you're the one that is going to have to live it. I did everything that I could it just wasn't enough. I'm walking away from this with my head held high and without regrets because I gave you all I had and that's the best anyone can do. You ruined my life with you, but you are not going to ruin my life.

Hopefully I'll have the strength to feel and say the same things if my sitch ever comes to that.

So, last Saturday was our 6th wedding anniversary. Needless to say, it wasn't a day I'd been looking forward to. I had to go get some stuff from the hardware store, and there's one within walking distance, so I decided to go to that one. I figured the walk might do me good. Get some fresh air instead of moping around the house and all that.

On the way back, I was (of course) thinking of H. Wondering where in Africa he was at that point in time. Wondering if he'd realised what date it was. Wondering if I'd even briefly crossed his mind on that day of all days. Wishing I could feel some kind of hope.

Then I saw the most odd thing lying in the gutter....a wedding photo! I guess someone had accidentally dropped it there. It was kinda crumpled up, and had obviously been driven over. I picked it up, and placed it just inside the property of the house I was outside, in case it belonged to whoever lived there.

Isn't that totally bizarre?! I mean, random wedding photos aren't the kind of thing you find in the gutter every day of the week, let alone on your wedding anniversary when you're lamenting the loss of your spouse!

I've been checking the forum with the thread about H's progress in Africa every couple of days, just to see how he's been doing. He had some altitude sickness, but made it all the way to the summit of Mt Kilimanjaro! There were all these people posting messages of congratulations in the thread, and I was sad that I couldn't join in.

I'd been tossing up for several days whether or not I should txt him to ask how the mountain climb went, (because he doesn't know I read the forum, of course), but always ended up coming to the conclusion that he probably didn't want to hear from me, and that it might just irritate him if I didn't leave him alone, in a "Geez, I can't even get away from her when I'm on another frigging continent" kinda way. I decided I'd just txt him the day he's due back and say that I hope it all went well and that he'd had a great time.

For whatever reason, I was feeling particularly crappy last night. Cry myself to sleep kinda crappy, and I didn't even do that on our anniversary, so I dunno what brought it on. Perhaps it's because I didn't do it on our anniversary, so it had been building up and just came spilling out.

Anyway, after I finally got to sleep, I was awoken at 4:15am by a txt from H!
"Made it to the summit if u were wondering."

I refrained from writing back that yes, I had been wanting to txt him, but wasn't sure if he'd want to hear from me, and instead just sent back a simple message congratulating him, saying I knew he'd do it, and that I couldn't wait to hear about it after he gets back.

I didn't get a reply to that, and just lay there for a few minutes.

I was wondering where he was and what he was doing and thinking when he sent the txt. 4:15am is an odd time to be getting txts, and he would have known the time difference because he's no doubt been keeping in touch with OW, his friends, and his parents while he's been over there. So why is he txting me at 4am? I looked it up today, and it probably would have been about 9pm where he was when he sent it. As far as I know, he's in the middle of his safari, so I was wondering where he's staying. I don't know if it's a "pitch a tent" kind of safari or a "permanent structure accommodation" kind of safari. All I know is that he's somewhere out there in the middle of Africa, txting me in the middle of the night, which was completely unexpected.

Then I got to thinking about the wording of his message: "if u were wondering". Has he actually been expecting me to txt him to ask how it went? Should I have? Was he disappointed that I hadn't?

Then I got thinking that perhaps I should have said something cheeky in my reply. Tell him off for having woken me up, and ask how was he gonna make it up to me with a on the end. I mean, how often am I gonna have a time when I know he's nowhere near OW, and I can flirt with him? Kinda feel like I let a prime opportunity slip by and have spent the whole day coming up with better ideas of what I could have said, (isn't that always the way...thinking of the perfect comeback way after the moment has passed?).

How I managed to get back to sleep with all that running through my head, I'll never know!

Sorry for the super long post and thanks to whoever actually read the whole thing.

I think your reply was perfect.

While I hesitate to enable this (I really think you should let the wrong number thing go at face value) if you google the phone number it will tell you who it belongs to.

As for everyone's sympathies going the wrong way...it may not be much, but you've got us here. We've got your back.