Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Just found out that OW has a kid!!

Ugh! Myspace! My H used to make fun that I was the oldest girl on Myspace at 37! It was a joke. I saw in the history that he looked for his OW's myspace. She has not updated in a year and no pics, but it is her alright. Her oldest friend is 18! !18! She is a child and built like a child! 4'11 at 90 lbs, for metrics that is like a 16 year old at best!

One thing about Myspace is that I posted very cute pics of me being a happy mom with my kids at Disneyland. That is who I am and I will be out and about and happy while he is lurking in the shadows leading a half existance.

I am very sorry that your H has the need to care for the wrong person. It makes him feel liek a man, I guess. I am now reading a book called "When Good Men Do Bad Things". It may help you see why he is acting like a complete alien.

I would NEVER condone dating a married man even in the state I am now. My H has left me with two kids and a mortgage so he can play house with an almost homeless street runt punk rocker. Perhaps I would feel tempted to call an ex boyfriend who may now be married to come take his place but no way! Maybe some people are so self centered thay do not care who they hurt because they have been hurt. Although I do not condone destroying a marriage maybe it is up to us here to be the understanding sane ones. It is an immense burden for me but I try to be an friend for my H at his time of a MLC. It really sucks and I may give up soon, but not yet. You need to act like the understanding friend with all your might.

I completely agree with hopeless...try so hard not to check out his myspace twenty times a day (I did too!). It just hurts you, and provides nothing constructive. Myspace can be so dangerous (it's how I met my OM).

The IL thing is so familiar too. My MIL and most of the family didn't like me much to begin with, and my affair pretty much blacklisted me for life. (So much for forgiveness and their religion, eh?) When your husband finally comes home, make sure that you work on repairing the family situation too. My mom told me you don't just marry a man, you marry his family too. How I WISH I had paid more attention! It's so wrong that they prefer her to you (grrrr!); is there anyone in the family you're close to who could be your ally?

I'm short on time at the moment, so will post a better reply to you all a bit later, but just wanted to comment on this:


Yeah, my MIL....kind of ironic, huh? The weekend after H told me ever so casually in that email that he was seeing someone new, I ended up calling his parents place, trying to track him down, (he lives there, at least I assume he still does), and of course didn't get to speak to him but did get to speak to MIL. Of course I was a mess, and very angry, and she didn't divulge any info but agreed with me that H should speak to me about it, and even said she'd talk to him about it and suggest that we go back to our counsellor to discuss it there.

It was Mothers Day not too long ago, and I gave her a card and a present. It usually takes me forever to pick a card for someone, but this time, the first one I picked up had a pic of a crying kid on the front with the caption, "I won't, I won't, I won't!" and on the inside it said, "I won't stop loving you, EVER!" It was perfect, and she loved it.

Father's Day is coming up soon, and I fully intend to get something for my FIL.

I'm sure that it would have been MIL who suggested to H that he speak with OW in the first place. Not that she had any sinister motives, but because her son was upset and she thought it'd be good for him to speak to someone who had been through it before. No way she could have known what she was setting up.

I used to see my ILs once a week. I'd go over and help MIL in her garden for several hours, then I'd sit around with both ILs, knocking back a couple glasses of wine while we waited for H to show up and then we'd all have dinner together. Usually a roast, but sometimes one of MIL's homemade pizzas, or we'd all share in a massive seafood platter with fresh crab and prawns. I miss that SO MUCH, and the thought of OW (and her son) taking my place at those dinners infuriates me to no end.

I only see my IL's once every month or so these days, and they've never acted like they want to cut me off. They went away several months ago, and we were gonna go to a resturaunt for lunch after they got back so they could tell me all about it. MIL was a bit under the weather, but instead of cancelling on me, she suggested they just come to my place, so we sat around and they showed me all of their holiday photos. It was wonderful!

So the moral of my long and drawn out reply, (which was only meant to be brief until I ended up rambling) is that MIL is kinda like my one real ally in that family, but at the same time, she's good friends with OW's mother. From memory, my ILs actually went to OW's wedding back in the day.

So twisted!

Just wanted to add one little comment about OW having a kid...

Look what's happening with Angelina and Brad!!! Eventually the fantasy ends.... Kind of sad they made a kid together with a marriage built on an affair....

OK, so first up, gotta say that I totally cried myself to sleep last night, (which I haven't done in ages). Was imagining what I'd say to OW if I could speak to her, and ended up a bawling mess.

Seems I'm not alone in the "I hate myspace" club.

Originally Posted By: hopeless11

Sorry Ophelia that you are still going through this. I posted on one of your threads months ago when I first started on here. My sitch has taken a turn for the worse (actually I'm starting to think it may be for the better). H and I are currently waiting on finalizing the D.

Hi hopeless. I remember you! Sorry I kinda dropped off the boards for a while, but I just wasn't up to coming here every day. Had several very dark weeks where I pretty much wanted to curl up and die. Started coming out of it and now BAM, here I am miserable again. I'm sorry to hear that your sitch hasn't improved either.

Quote:

I have really cut back on trying to figure out what he is doing, saying, etc.

Something I've gotta learn to do. I just feel like I always have to figure out where he's at so that I can figure out how to ultimately get rid off the competition. My head knows that that's not exactly productive. My heart however, not interested in listening to reason!

Quote:

I really think that your sitch is a lot like mine. You can't control H....you can't control him being with OW or OW's son. You deserve better than this. You deserve to be loved for you...you deserve a faithful husband. You did all you could. You were willing to give your H a second chance...he just wasn't man enough to take it. You can hang your hat on that...better things are in store for you.

Sometimes I feel stupid for still standing for my M, because as you say, I deserve better. I'm just not at that place where I can give up believing that my H still has the capacity to ultimately be that person who will treat me better.

Originally Posted By: mkultra

I am very sorry that your H has the need to care for the wrong person. It makes him feel liek a man, I guess. I am now reading a book called "When Good Men Do Bad Things". It may help you see why he is acting like a complete alien.

Yeah, it probably does. He's magically become a "family man". He's got all he ever dreamed of and nothing could ever be better. Thanks for the tip about that book. I'll definitely check it out!

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Perhaps I would feel tempted to call an ex boyfriend who may now be married to come take his place but no way!

Something I thought just before...perhaps I should ask H if I can have OW's exH's number? Wonder how that would go down! Seriously though, I have absolutely no interest to go looking for a replacement for H, and frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if that never changes. No matter what some piece of paper does or doesn't say, I stood in that church and made those vows for life, so I'm not gonna give them up easily despite my H obviously not feeling the same way.

I've been debating constantly over the past 24 hours whether or not I should tell H that I've figured it all out, but ultimately, no matter how civil I tried to be, I'd probably just come off sounding crazy, stalkerish, angry and pathetic, so I don't think I'll broach the subject. As you say....

Quote:

You need to act like the understanding friend with all your might.

.....and getting all up in his face about his R with OW and her son isn't exactly going to accomplish that goal, is it?

Originally Posted By: prodigalwife

The IL thing is so familiar too. My MIL and most of the family didn't like me much to begin with, and my affair pretty much blacklisted me for life. (So much for forgiveness and their religion, eh?) When your husband finally comes home, make sure that you work on repairing the family situation too. My mom told me you don't just marry a man, you marry his family too. How I WISH I had paid more attention!

I'm really sorry to hear that. I love my H's family. Even though at least half of them are crazy, mixed up, or just plain bizarre people, I love them and consider them my own family now as well. It breaks my heart to think that I may not get to see my nieces and nephews grow up now.

My parents have had no contact with H. He's gotten off incredibly easy really, not having to deal with my mum, or particularly my dad, and especially my grandma!! They understand that I still want us to end up back together, so I hope that if that does happen, they will be able to forgive him and accept him back into the family.

Originally Posted By: runningoutoftime

Just wanted to add one little comment about OW having a kid...

Look what's happening with Angelina and Brad!!! Eventually the fantasy ends.... Kind of sad they made a kid together with a marriage built on an affair....

Yeah, I've heard the gossip about those two practically being splitzville. I was always on Team Aniston. Couldn't even bring myself to watch that damned Mr & Mrs Smith movie because whenever I'd see a trailer for it I'd just be disgusted about their A.

I don't understand how people who have kids with someone can throw their M away. I can't even begin to fathom how OW could have separated from her H when their son was 3 months old!! That just blows my mind.

I agree with you on the vows. Sadly, I just threw mine out this morning, literally. My H was cleaning out the garage looking for tools. He snuck in and broke in while I was out of town with the kids. That is soooo creepy that he does that! I noticed a pile of books, CDs, photos, on his workshop bench. I peered over to them. On top was a photo of me in Paris, postcards I had sent him before we dated, another happy photo of me on our honeymoon, a CD of our fave band U2, and on top were my wedding vows that I hand wrote on a place card. I cried thinking my H came home to remember that I actually do love him! He claims he is not having an affair because I do not love him. There is the proof, my wedding vows! The pile was mementos of true love, yes?

Sadly, the pile was the left behind pile. He took his baby photos and precious books and even sport clippings. That pile with my vows was the rubbish pile. The rubbish pile for me to keep or throw out. It was meaningless to him now. So I threw them out for him. I could not believe he saved all those cards and mementos and took the time to leave them in the rubbish pile for me to find.

Opheila,

Just be glad you don't have kids with him.

Statistically speaking it's VERY unlikely their relationship will last (she's probably in post-partum depression). There's absolutely nothing you can tell him to make him realize that. He will have to figure it all out on his own. If you try to talk or convince him of anything he'll only focus on you and anything he can twist as negative about you and him, rather than his own situation. Your best bet is to wish him happiness, and tell him you're glad he found happiness, and then let him go and mull over if he truly is happy, thus giving him the time and space to really focus on whether this really is such a great situation. Unfortunately it will probably take time....

That is great advice. He will not be happy for much longer. especially when realiy sets in. make your home seem like the haven and the home of the affair will look troubled after the fantasy wears off.

Well I had a couple of things happen today that perked me up a bit.

First thing, this morning I got a txt from MIL, asking how I'm doing. Hadn't heard from her in a little while, so it made me feel pretty good that they haven't forgotten me. I replied that I was "ok" and that I "miss you guys heaps", then invited them over for lunch. She replied that she'd talk with FIL to sort out what days they'd be available and get back to me. So I should be catching up with them sometime in the next couple of weeks.

In the afternoon, I finally posted the signed forms for the Property Settlement back to H's L. I had to get a Justice of the Peace to sign one of them as a witness, (as I don't have a L myself), and there are certain times when they're available at certain places like shopping centres and stuff.

So I was walking through this shopping centre, looking for where the JP was, and I was thinking, "I really wish I didn't have to do this. I don't want this Property Settlement. It just puts H one step closer to filing for D, and I don't want that to happen! I need a frigging miracle to turn this mess around!" So I was feeling pretty down about what signing these forms meant for the future of my M, but knew it couldn't be stalled any longer.

As I walked past a florist, I happened to look up from the floor, and see the displays they had set up out the front. In the middle of all these flowers, was a little board with a quote written on it. It was a little chalkboard, so obviously they change the quote on a regular basis. On this particular day, when I happened to look right at it, (I don't even usually go to this particular shopping centre), right when I was thinking I needed some kinda miracle, the quote, written in big, bold letters was:
MAGIC IS BELIEVING IN YOURSELF, IF YOU CAN DO THAT, YOU CAN MAKE ANYTHING HAPPEN.
Freaky, huh?! Almost stopped me dead in my tracks! It made me smile and hold my head up as I kept on walking.

After I'd posted the forms, I sent H a txt, (haven't sent him a txt since January!) just saying "Forms posted" because I figured his L would probably call him again this weekend to tell him they hadn't arrived yet. A few minutes later I actually got a reply! It was just, "Thanks", but I hadn't been expecting anything. I very nearly fired back with, "Well, I'd say you're welcome, but it wouldn't exactly be sincere," but thought better of it.



I'm so sorry, mkultra. *hugs* If it were me, I'd have been tempted to pack them up and post them to him with a note along the lines of: "I'm sure you've got the trash at your place as well, so if you want to throw stuff out, do it your damn self." (in case you can't tell by now, I've got a bit of a sarcastic streak ) Shocking DBing, but I'll bet it woulda felt good.

H didn't take any reminders of us with him. Like your H, he took things that were his own, but he didn't even take one photo of me.



I suspect she probably did have some form of PPD when she split with her H, but the kid turned 3 last Oct, and I don't know that PPD lasts that long. Plus, in her little profile on the site I looked up, she mentioned how she loves spending every spare minute she has with her wonderful son.

She definitely must have been messed up right after his birth though, because what sane person calls off a M right after a baby is born?


This is why I don't even think I should bring up the fact that I've snooped around and figured it out. I only did it because he wasn't a big enough person to answer my questions, but he'd just twist it around to make me look like some kinda stalker, which will make me look worse and OW look even better than she already does. So even though I itching to say something to either or both of them, or even to my ILs, I have to keep telling myself that that won't get me anywhere I wanna be! I've just gotta keep playing dumb and calm and happy and over him, (even though I'm actually none of those things).

You know how sometimes you hear a song that speaks exactly what you're feeling?

The winner of last season of Australian Idol, an incredibly talented Irishman by the name of Damien Leith will be releasing his debut album in a few days. You can listen to the tracks here. One track is titled "I Still Miss Us". I've just listened to it, and can tell that when I buy the CD I'm gonna have track on repeat!
And I still miss talking
I still miss walking
My heart just won't give you up.
I'm a shadow on the run
Waiting for the sun
I still miss us.