Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives My Wife wants out..still!!

Thanks for the feedback. Let me ask...why do I not have the right to be angry?? Also, why does she get to have a "free pass" and can take my kids away, rush for a D and start up with OM???

How amazing that the one that walks away gets to dictate what happens!! The LBS has to do nothing to make the WAS upset while they break apart a family!! God forbid that we dare bring up the M/R for fear of pushing them away!! Of course, the WAS doesn't have to be accountable for their actions since they can justify what they are doing to everyone.

In my sitch, I am the "bad guy" that ruined her life and made her unhappy. She did nothing to help nor show that she cared abot keeping our family together.

Solution...run away, start a new R and not give a damn about the lives you are affecting!!!

Meanwhile, I have to sit back and take it so I can keep the R "friendly". She does not take one ounce of responsibility for her part of the M but gets a free pass to rewrite history and be unfaithful!!!

Mark,

Yep. You're absolutely right. I felt the exact same way. DR, and the other similar books I've read, also stress that to make the M work in this situation acting on your anger will just drive your S away.

So, is being angry working for you? You are entitled to be angry and indignant at what your W has done. FWIW, I agree with you. You're W has behaved poorly. That said, you want her back or do you want to be right?

BD

Because you don't own her and never did.



You do, but it won't serve any useful purpose. If your goal is reconciliation, then angrily proclaiming how unfair it all is will not serve any useful function.



You can bring up that stuff, but again, throwing out holier than thou statements and looking down your nose because she chose to quit doesn't really do much to save your marriage. The family is broke apart. Does being angry about it help it to mend?

You are being asked to look at your goals. If you want a pound of your wife's flesh for her decisions, then continue on your present course and you'll fulfill your goal (kind of, although never satisfactorily because what you think doesn't matter that much to her). If you want her to consider trying again with you, an attitude adjustment might be in order.

Now don't get me wrong. I NEVER advocated kissing her a$$. I don't think you should. But I think you need to focus on making a fulfilling life for you and your kids, drop the anger (for your own good...because being all bitter and angry doesn't help in your growth), and stop making this a power struggle. You have a free pass also....to be a strong, happy, complete man that has his act together. To be someone that she'd be nuts to leave for some loser that would take up with a married woman. Having this process be bitter just leads to bitter divorced people.

I do not think I own her. What I meant is that she can blame me for her being unhappy and tell everyone that I am solely to blame for her less than picture perfect life. Yet, she doesn't have to acknowledge that there are two people in a marriage and she DID NOTHING!!! but wait for me to work 3 jobs. She actually believes that people cannot change but she has no problem saying "you are not the same person I married 10 years ago" How ironic that she thinks people can change negatively but not positively.

I am damn angry and I am frustrated that I don't dare say anything while she starts up with OM while we were together and can justify it with no accountability to any one. She cheated and I have to be the "kind" "compassionate" "understanding" "patient" person so she will not hate me later.

This is all about who leaves first so by being the WAS you can call the shots.

I am sure my W hasn't given me an honest second thought in weeks if not months. Why....because her fantasy man is the answer to her happiness and a better future!!!

If you want to save your marriage, Mark, you've got to let go of the anger.

Look, you have every right to feel the way you do. I don't disagree with how your feeling or the reasons that you are feeling that way. That said, is it helpful? Is this who you want to be? The truth is, you have to let her walk away because she already has. Being angry about that isn't helping you or helping you get your family back together. Let it go, man. For your own sake and sanity.

Focus on you.

BD

BD

You are probably right. She probably hasn't. And she may never give you a second thought. Can you live with that?



Nope. You don't have to be. You don't have to be any of those things. You can completely ignore her cheating a$$ and focus on yourself and making improvements in areas that need improvement. You can get your own life and enjoy it. You can practice being compassionate, kind, and understanding, because that will help you in all relationships, not just one with your spouse. Or you can choose to be an angry and bitter person that can't move past this, but then I don't think there is much hope for your relationship, even if she somehow came back.

Mark,

I saw how tormented you are lately and I wanted to give you a link to my last thread so you can see what my W and her BF have gone through since dating, living together, etc. I think it will give you a bit of hope, as well as some insight into the rebound R or the A of a WAS. It is the post dated 9/24/07 at 3:03 p.m. Enjoy!!!

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1184712&page=8&fpart=8

GD

Hey GD,

Hope you come back to comment on this...



Do you blame him? If you reconciled would you feel any differently? This is a woman that has proven to be a cheater. He probably doesn't trust her....and maybe with good reason. As you consider whether she would want to reconcile with you...you'll have to reconcile how you could ever trust this woman with your heart again.

Quick note on that JM, GD's W didn't meet the OM until after they were separated (I think after a few months). Technically they were married, but she was done.

GD,I appreciate the link. Hopefully, your R can turn around and be better than ever.

JM, why is it not o.k. to want a reconciliation when you know that you love your S and be angry and her lack of anything?
She can live her own life but running away is not the answer to the problem AND blaming me makes it so easy.

She never had a problem when we built a nice house, drove nice cars and went on vacations etc. Now, I am a "lousy provider" and as the husband and father, I am not the "backbone" of the family that I should be.

A marriage is not just "something you do" and bring children into the world just because it's the "next step". You make a family together and you work through the tough times and not make your S all to blame and make no effort to working on your M.