Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Just getting started peicing it back together 2

She needs to see that I will let her spend all she wants on whatever she wants and not freak out when she spends hundreds of dollars on her credit cards and not have the means to pay for them. I am not sure that I can sit back and watch her put us in financial trouble.

Jersting, its about finding a suitable median my friend. Think outside the box a bit on how you could resolve this without causing financial hardship, or limiting her too much.

Ian

I am always in favor of balance and compromise. However, I do not believe you are responsible for funding her "retail therapy". Having a crisis in your M is not a legitimate excuse for spending yourself or your spouse into penury.

As I stated before, if she or your children have legitimate needs, find ways to help that do not enable bad habits. If she simply feels she needs that extra pair of pumps to feel better about the situation, then I am considerably less sure unencumbered largesse will move either of you to a better place.

sfa, I have been trying to find that "suitable median" for 13 years and I have not found it yet. When I was not being controlling over our finances she was going behind my back and getting credit cards I did not even know about and charging them to the limit. I figured the math once and I had paid off over 80 grand in credit card debt within 12 years we were married. I have no hard feelings over this but it is time for it to stop. Maybe with me it can not stop so she is going to have to stop some how on her own and figure out if it is me causing this for her or if she is doing it to herself.

hey, just throwing out my first thought........

but divorce and bankruptcy can cure over spending on credit cards.

don't give her the money to pay them off. Tell her when she gets so far in debt that she can't pay them back herself, you can file for divorce and bankruptcy- then she won't have to worry about credit cards for a few years.

Yes, I'm in a sarcastic mood- coffee hasn't set in yet.

A quik update... Now she wants us to have a talk because Tuesday she called me and told me she didn't know what to do because she is out of money and don't know how she is going to pay her bills. I told her that I was sorry to hear that and I didn't know what I could do for her. Since then when we talk she is very cold and wants to know what I want so she knows which way to go. I told her it didn't matter what I wanted for the direction she needs to go. I said that she should do what she wants to do no matter what I want. I have not talked to her since then and I figured I would not let her get a chance to have a talk about where we are as far as our marriage is concerned right now. I have to start taking care of myself and if I give her any more money it is going to put one hell of a financial strain on me. Is it wrong of me to not give her any more?

No, it's not wrong. She needs to see what she has gotten herself into and how it's going to be from now on if she doesn't come back. Obviously, you don't want her coming back just b/c she is financially strained, however, she needs to start seeing reality!

Hang in there & just continue to work on YOU!

I don't think you are responsible for funding her freedom. That was her choice and I agree with the statement that she needs (for her own benefit) to understand the realities of life. I also agree that she needs to decide what is right for her. The fact she is "cold" now that the flow of money has stopped is probably a signal about where she is at right now.

That having been said, I don't think there's anything wrong with asking her, in turn, what she wants. If she's willing to entertain the idea of getting back together (and you're willing as well), then agree to begin counseling. Don't get back together or start giving her money again, but begin working on the relationship.

This would have to happen for both of you to make progress and it would also be a good way to judge her commitment to the possibility of reconciliation. If it's about the R, then she'll agree and stick with it for some time. If it's about the money, then she'll likely decline right up front or bail after a short while if the money isn't immediately forthcoming.

Hang in there. Hope you had a pleasant Thanksgiving.

Had a great Thanksgiving. Today my lawyer called and said she had made contact with her lawyer and wants this done. She told him the amount she wanted and he expressed that to my lawyer. I guess she didn't want to work on us, she just wanted me to pay her bills and when I didn't she found light at the end of the tunnel to pay her bills by doing a seperation of marital property. My lawyer told me if I wanted this over all I had to do is quit giving her money. He is a friend of mine from before and he new my W. Looks like he knows what he is talking about. She told me she seen no other way of getting herself out of the debt she had created. I suppose if that is her stance then apparently there is no other way for her to do so. I am done bailing her out once and for all.

I don't know about you, but I always wanted to believe the best in my STBXW and found it hard whenever the unpleasant reality of who she now is was proved beyond a doubt. Sadly, it is not an uncommon occurrence. Like me, perhaps your sitch is winding down.