Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? impossible situation #2

a rose, or any flowers, jewelry, new clothes, ice cream, a little lacy something from Victoria's Secret, perfume that you like (hope it's a classic), a cute card, dinner out, music that she likes, whatever.

Dom,

I haven't read all the way through your sitch so forgive me if I am repeating stuff you have already gone through, but has your wife ever sought any sort of treatment for her stress? Would she seek treatment?

saffie

hmm. i thought that women(or some, at least) disliked when they get bought lingerie, etc.
[i know that my wife specifically would hate it, if i bought her clothes]

saffie: aheh. my wife's stress isnt a disease. she piles stuff to do, and responsabilities, up on herself. THEN she's stressed about it.
But when that stuff is finally done with... she looks for more stuff to do. sad thing is, she doesnt plan very often for purely "fun" stuff. It's usually "productive" stuff. extra work stuff, PTA, and so on.

and as far as treatment, or "help" for anything: no,she's against any kind of counsellors, and even for directly physical stuff, she resists seeing a doctor.

Dom,

Your W sounds like me. Just because she piles it on and causes the stress herself doesn't mean there isn't an underlying problem.

I did just what your W is doing. Was a school govenor, wrapped up in fund raising, did quite a bit of charity work, was an ante natal teacher, have four kids, run my own part time tax consultancy business etc. I burned my candle at both ends and just kept running away from myself. I just didn't want to stop and think or look at myself or my M. I didn't like myself, (still don't much) and had / have self esteem issues. However, now that I am having help, (for me cognitive behavioural therapy seems to be working), things are much much better. My R with my H is relaxed and happy, (still have everyday ups and downs but the M is GOOD), I can prioritise much better, don't overstretch things and most importantly I am learning to identify stress factors and deal with them.

It was my H that had the A, and I had started working on these things before he told me about his A, but it was the fact that I made these changes that has gone most of the way to rebuilding our R and M. It was early on in the process of getting the therapy that I wrote to my H opening up to him about how I felt. It was that letter that prompted him to tell me about his A, (which at that point was ongoing).

One does have to recognise these factors for ones self though. It took me three attempts at getting help before I was ready to open up and be honest that I needed it. I was used to being a coper and did not want to let my vulnerability show. I now realise that it takes a strong person to show their true emotions; I used to believe weak people were the ones that did that.

saffie

I'm glad you got YOUR issues straightened out.
Yes, I know there are underlying problems. After knowing her for close to 15 years, I actually know what some of the issues are.

Unfortunately, that doesnt help any.

I hear a lot of closeness between what you say, and my W. especially the "coper" and not wanting to show weakness. But she hates counsellors. She will probably never get help. Not from "a professional". Not from me, either.

it's rather sad. i feel bad for her. i want to help her. i care about her very much, and dont want her to suffer.
but if she doesnt want me to help her, there's nothing i can do.

I'm curious, about yout statement of " It took me three attempts at getting help before I was ready to open up and be honest that I needed it."

Why did you first seek to "get help" in the first place?

I went to see my doctor and got referred to see a lay C. She was very kind but kept wanting to go over the past, (which was useless). I then went to see a psychiatrist who put me on AD's, (well actually upped the AD's I was on and added in a new type) and he referred me to see a Clinical Psychologist who specialises in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy at my request. The first few sessions with the clinical psychologist I just never opened up and then I stopped going. Then I was making myself so ill and my world was falling about me so badly that I decided the only way forwards was to actually trust this guy and really tell him what was bothering me. It was with his help that I recognised where I needed to work on myself. He helped me open up to my H which then led to my H telling me about his A. The psychiatrist then helped my H decide what to do visa vis our M. At this point I had just tried to commit suicide as I thought everything was so dark and I did need the psychiatrist. 16 months on from there I am basically fine. Off AD's and functioning. I go to see my CBT clinical psychologist fortnightly but it is to work on moving forward and learning how to prevent such things happening again rather than 'damage limitation'. I am learning life skills and they are great. I still get down now and then but I am no longer depressed or classified as depressed.

I did have to hit the bottom before I would accept help and start to bounce back. Perhaps your wife has further to fall yet. My H says it is like having the woman he M'd back. I had forgotten how to laugh and enjoy myself. I was like a bulldog with a wasp in it's mouth all the time.

Your wife can change and you may be suprised about her willingness to go for help. It's not nice to feel like that. By the way I should say that people who knew me would never have said I lacked in self esteem or confidence. I was always told I was quite scary!!!!

Saffie

thanks for the reply. still wondering what got you to START on that road of asking external people for help. I guess that would be, why you decided to go see that first doctor.

was that before or after trying to commit suicide?

BTW: my wife is "not happy", according to her. but I dont think anywhere near unhappy to overcome her barrier on asking for help.
I see her as on a plateau, where she could just continue like this for years. sigh.

Before. I knew I wasn't happy but compared to the majority of people's lives I had/have a cushy number. I am a stay at home mom, who has a busy life but like your wife chose to have that busy life. I think I was probably suffering from an empty nest - not that my children had left home - my youngest was around 6 when I started feeling I was sinking and my eldest was 13 with two others in between. I think they were just getting more independent so I was thinking about the future. I think subconsciously I was questioning what I was going to do with myself for the rest of my life. I didn't like who I was and I didn't like how I behaved. I had grown apart from my support network of other moms as most of them had gone back to work. Although 'busy' I spent a lot of time in my head by myself. Everything in my life was all or nothing. I was very lonely even when surrounded by others. It was the fact that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in that unhappy state that motivated me to seek help. The suicide attempt was a direct result of my H having the A. I was at a very low point when he told me about it - I had just opened up and shown him how vulnerable I was and then he told me that. It was the last straw. My children saw stuff they never should have. They are great kids and appear to have bounced back - I guess only time will tell.

I don't know if your wife will be able to continue like that for years - maybe she will. It didn't take much to push me over the edge in the end and realise I needed help; unfortunately though it does have to come from within.

My H had been my best friend pre children. After having them other women friends became my confidents rather than H. It just happened. We no longer had career similarities - I left that world behind - willingly - and moved into a different world. We lost our connection somewhere along the line. I realised I wanted that back. He WAS my best friend and I wanted him to BE my best friend again. I think we are just about there now.

Saffie

Saffie,

I've been reading what you were saying to DomR. May I ask what Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is? I would be interested in knowing about it. You can post on my thread if you rather not take up Dom's. I am in SSM under Almost Walked Away Wife.

Sandi2

Sandi - I just posted on your thread.

Dom - I just posted to Sandi about two books that helped me. You may want to have a look at them and if you like them leave them somewhere near your W if she is a reader. Especially if she says she is unhappy. They might just make her want to get help.

One thing I would say is ignore any test results if you do the tests in the book. My psychologist tells me they are snippets of larger tests and by themselves do not tell you anything and come out with 'bad' results for most people. (In fact my H did them out of curiosity and they indicated he needed medical help and I have to say he is a fairly level and well balanced individual most of the time). It is the principles in the books that are important. They also have section relating to children.

If you want to leave a message for me my email is posted in my profile and my thread is called Saffie's sandbox - extension (and then whatever no. I am currently on - I think it's 8 or 9 at the moment).

saffie