Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis A Snooper's Tale

No 2x4's necessary. You sensed something. When you do sense something you really have only two choices. Stick your head in the sand and try to pretend you don't or check it out. I think you made the right choice for your situation.

Trust but verify.

~ swl

E,

OK, OK, I was too hasty. But your H pisses me off. I just don't like him at all right now.

Anyway, most of what you said makes good sense to me.

"I have snooped in the past when I didn't have any funny feelings, and never found anything. I think my instincts are pretty honed now - I think I found something precisely BECAUSE my instincts were telling me something was off."

This especially makes me feel better. I agree it suggests both that your insticts are working well and that there was likely not other stuff to find before.

"- She seemed not so much to be shooting him down as oblivious and not taking the bait"

This, though, doesn't ring true to me. (1) She blew him off and did not meet with him, (2) she solved the insurance thing herself, (3) she didn't accept his invites for a date. I'd say this is definitely pushing him away. My guess is that she ran from his increasing flirtatiousness/pursuit.

And, I don't see really how she could see it as anything else. If some guy was talking about how my intensity made it hard for him to focus on driving, was calling me sweetie, giving me hugs, asking me out on dinner dates, I think I'd be hard pressed not to conclude he was pursuing me.

Also I still think you are a bit naive about H. I guess I see him having more power and agency with respect to his involvement with women than I see you suggesting in your words. His words and actions are pretty openly flirtatious and pursuing. His actions pretty darn calculated (planning dates while you are away, the careful deletion of the emails, hiding his contact with her from you as it was occuring...)

Still I can also see how it could have served as a big wake up call for H and really caused him to wake up and appreciate you a bit. Let's hope that's what happened and that it sticks.

In any case, as for action-right-now, I still think you have a good plan.

I agree with everything OT said.

This is almost exactly my story 2 years ago.

Know one thing: if your H is MLC or something like that - you DO NOT know who he is NOW. The faster you accept this, the more you can deflect some of the shock and hurt.

He is capable of anything and everything. Likely he knows what he's doing is NOT innocent, but he doesn't want to get the crap from you. He acts innocent when he's 'caught'.

He's pushing himself on another woman - he knows what he wants and what it can lead to. Trust me on this, my H did the SAME thing.

Take care of you.

P.S. maybe you were looking for a 2x4 about snooping, not going to get it here. Only a 2x4 about being more honest with yourself about H.

BUT if you are in a place emotionally/financially where you can both accept the pretty high stakes here and just wait to see how things play out without putting yourself at risk of feeling like a victim (which I think you are), then you can really afford to be very generous to H in terms of giving him the benefit of the doubt. And in general that is a good thing for an M, to be as generous with each other as possible. So, good for you :-)

Of course, that kind of generousity requires keeping yourself emotionally/financially safe and empowered. Just be sure you can make authentic decisions not fueled by emotional or financial fears.

Ah, this post explains your response to Sheila.
Actually, I love this. And this too I so agree that there is usually a point where it is easier to face the truth than to hide behind the unknown. Ignorance is bliss, but knowledge is power!

Dealing with what you know is now the challenge. You've mentioned before that you have put/are putting things in place to live your life without H if you have to. Was that inspired by some nagging feeling and not enough trust that you develop the need to snoop? Please don't take that as any type of 2x4, it sure isn't. But you've been reconciled for 5 years, and as I am someone who hopes to be there someday I wonder if the effort and pain of waiting now will ever be rewarded for real.

E...

Hehe, I'm dense. Do you know how many times I had to read that, to put together your name...?

sigh

Sounds like my xh. I would have snooped, too. (Yeah, I know...) It think if, and that's a big if, it were me, and he didn't contact her anymore (verifiably), then I would just let it go. Otherwise, a strategic talk would be in order. He obviously knows something about it wasn't right, or why bother to hide it?

That leaves me with two scenarios. One: Your H realized he was being an idiot, and decided (voluntarily) he needed to back off. (Unlikely, but possible.) Two: He didn't realize it, and either is hiding deeper or she cut him off. (For whatever reason.) I suppose my advice would depend on which of these scenarios it is...which wouldn't be obvious for awhile, anyway...

Hey E,

Maybe you should change your name to something less inviting to the curious. It prompted me to look to see who you were...

E
Good Luck, you've helped me a lot in the past few years, not sure what I would do in your sit. as I never even got a red flag!
Knowing you I know you will do the right thing for you and the kids.

Hope all is good and safe where you are!

Hmm..

i would think that the main "lessons learned" from the past, would not be "no snooping", but "no more vacations without your husband"

I cant imagine why you would possibly divide your family like that. even the first time, let alone again, given all your past troubles.
If your sister knew about the problems 5 years ago, she's the one who should be getting the 2x4, for even suggesting such a trip without your husband.


If you bought travel insurance, I would say use it, to cancel your part of the trip as a "family emergency", and get your money back.