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I couldn't agree more!!!!

Saffie

ok, so it is not only my H, guess us moms are more protective of them.

Hi Cat,
I'm really sorry about the way things are going for you and yours. Maybe it's the way things have to go to get to the other side. Even if that's true, it sucks.

I hope MC helps, and I hope he goes with you.

As you know, I feel the way you do about It's a topic I'd like to work on and figure out. It's a tough one, and I think a real risk. My sitch is a lot "nicer" than yours, and it's hard for me. Yours is tougher. I comend you for your strength and I hope you'll be able to relax and not need to be so strong in the near future.

Here is a thought though - relevant or not - we, as the LBS or whatever label fits, are strong and facing a huge test. But our WAS is facing a huge test too. They are showing strength and risking a lot too. I just wish we were facing it together. I'm just saying, we are great people but we should beware thinking of ouselves as better than our spouses. We're different people than our spouses, facing different challenges, not better. If we feel we are better, can we put together a good and healthy relationship? Maybe we are more 'mature', 'together' than our spouse. Maybe our differences, where we are on life's path, are so great that we can't stay together. But I don't think we are better. Although you probably are,Cat!

So, here's another thought for you. Maybe it's time for you to separate from your H. I read a book titled Controled Separation, and the author claims it saves marriages. Maybe being separateed would allow your H to work on his issues, and keep you from having to deal with his stupid nastiness. I don't think anyone has to put up with rudeness (note the use of "I" statement. My opinion only). Maybe it would lower the tension level and make it easier for all of you, including the kids.

If you remember my sitch, my W and I are separated (not legally, but physically, by about 3 states). For me, it's a mixed blessing. I can be so relaxed. I'm enjoying myself. I can forget my problems for hours on end (I don't think I've made it through a whole day, but I've been close). I think the separation has really helped my W feel better. The down side is that we are separated. It's hard to work on a M/R via weekly phone calls.

Just something to consider.

Good luck, I'm wishing the best for you.

thanks LN, the idea has crossed my mind. My H has mood swings, currently, he seems better and much nicer. I have given myself two deadlines to reasses the sitch and see how things go after that.
I have moved my C session for next week, this week has been crazy at work and ccan barely even come here.

Thanks for your support I've been doing a bit better.

Cat,

Has he always had mood swings?

no, he was pretty much mellow to the point that I wish he'd so something, anything so things wouldn't be boring (jeez, careful waht you wish for!) His mood swings are long term, 2 days sad 2days happy, and his wild schedule doesn't help.

found a good old thread by muddlethrough (wherever you are MD, hope things are well for you)))))))))
A good thing to remind myself as sometimes I get impatient and feel like shaking my H into conciousnes, most times he's just spacing out, not saying anything at all or just sitting/laying there and I feel he's just buying time.

=================================

Q: My husband is essentially a good man, a good provider, and a good father. But I am not in love anymore. I believe it's a mistake to stay married for the children's sake. What do you think?

Signed: Not-In-Love

Dear Not-In-Love:

I don't think it is sufficient to stay married for the children's sake; parents have a responsibility to stay happily married for the children's sake. If you are married to a good man and still don't find it easy to be happy or loving, perhaps there is something wrong with you. You could be afflicted with anything from schizophrenia to romanticism.

Most likely, you are one of those romantic women who expects a man to make her happy. Men are useful for many things, but they are not generally kept around for their entertainment value. I've known women in your predicament who brought meaning and stability to their lives through such diverse activities as square dancing, fly fishing, and organic farming.

For your children's sake, if not for your own, find the things that will make you happy without having to run frustratingly through a variety of men, each of whom is sure to let to you down.

Cat,

I think you may benefit from some space. I'm 3 days into my seperation and the atmosphere in the house is a lot calmer. You know my sticth and you know I don't want this, but you need to think about YOU. It's not healthy living with so much tension and stress. I'm losing quite a bit of my hair, so i know i'm stressed.

I need to leave work now, hopefully will post later, I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you.

bigs hugs cos you need it.

((((cat)))

thanks hon, I will consider a S if things dont' move forward by Christmas time. I will reasses where we are and what steps my H has taken to work on our M.

Thanks for the hugs, i'm glad to hear you are using your S constructively)))))))))))

Hey lovely Cat,

I'm glad he's behaving a bit better...I know I've said it before, but the fact that you've been plunged back into the thick of it just makes me sick. I am very proud of the cool head you possess, and the wisdom you display in your choices.

I identify with the worry that he's just biding his time...that he thinks that he can get by with the least amount of effort possible. I so identify with it. I think it's a natural worry, something to tuck away and evaluate a few weeks down the line for sure, but at the same time, I think we need to be careful that we're not letting the resentment color our interactions.

I truly believe love is the answer to everything--not lay-down-and-let-him-abuse-me passivity, but love-him-as-God-loves-him charity. Sometimes I feel that the line between unconditional love and enabling is blurry. For me, the only thing to do is to close my eyes and listen to the still small voice inside...everything else gets to be too confusing.

((Hugs)) You are awesome, and you will be fine, regardless of final outcomes.