Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy More complicated than I imagined...

MCC,
Expect the curve balls and keep working on detaching. Look at the positives in what you described above. You were talking, relaxed, comfortable. This is what you need to keep doing and keep doing consistently so that she will see only good things. When she throws the curveball at you, just step out of the way. I know it hurts inside, but don't let her see that.

Forgive me for a moment while I hijack your thread...

Last night I went out with friends to a bar. Had a good time, but everyone left @ 9 PM. I was planning on staying out much longer, so I did something I've never done before. I left that bar and went to another by myself. Didn't know anyone there, just sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. Not two minutes pass and a woman starts up a conversation with me. Next thing I know, she has invited me to sit with her two other very attractive friends. How's that for an ego boost? I ended up talking / dancing with them for the rest of the night and closed the bar. Had a GREAT night!!

I told my W about what happened (I don't want to keep secrets), and she was shocked that I had done something so out of character. Not sure how this will change her attitude. Hoping she sees that I'm not just going to wait around forever.

Been there, done that.

I think your enabling and she's abusing.

Time for action on your part. If a woman is gone, she's gone but very few of them actually will call it quits. However, although she won't say it's over, all her little tiny daily actions say it is. Sorry.

If you takes the steps to officially end it, she will either agree to the divorce or come to her senses because you created the harsh reality of what is going on.

Don't spend each day wondering when things will get better like I did. Life has thrown you a curve ball. Catch it and throw it back. She probably no longer cares about how you feel, what you want, or your needs in spite of what she says...

If you behaved badly in the marriage, repair those things for your next relationship...when a marriage fails your world is turned upside down, but it is a great time to really, really take a look at your own behavior (probably for the first time in your life) and it's contribution to the relationship's failure and vow to rid yourself of those items.

Most likely, as she developed other interests you "simultaneously" developed issues that she clearly pointed out to you over and over again that you never knew you had until she was in love with someone else. That's why this is all so disorienting!

Sorry to be so straightforward....good luck.

I know what you mean HFF. I have to get better at dodging, better yet, get better at catching that ball - anticipate it before she launches it at me!

Spent the last couple of days reading Frank_D's sitch from 2005/2006 (not sure if it continues into 2007, still reading). It has been very helpful in that I've been able to get a better grip on my contributions to my marriage's current state. It has been amazingly therapeutic for me. I don't mean to imply that I feel better about myself, far from it. I know from what W has told me how my faults have brought us here. What she hasn't told me, I can see through Frank's postings.

The real things, not the fact that I never fixed the ceiling, or that I take too much time cleaning the garage and that I'm never around for the kids (that one really hurt because I am always here for them!)

I think (and that really is a "think") I have a much better understanding of how W is feeling and what has really gotten us here. One of the big ones seems to be our dependence on one another for fulfillment that we should be looking within ourselves for. Granted, husbands and wives do need to fulfill one another but we cannot be the primary source of this!

I woke up this morning still feeling the affects of the epiphany I received while reading. I had a great day.

We took the kids pumpkin picking and I felt like the old "me" again. Joking around, taking family pictures, boosting the kids' egos and really being carefree for the first time in a long time (even before our sitch began). From the morning until now I have been very upbeat (getting tired now, upbeat is fading quick!)

W, on the other hand, was in a mood most of the day. It could be anything - thoughts of still feeling trapped here, not wanting to do "family things", missing the OM and, quite possibly, not liking the fact that I can still have a great day (and will continue having them) while we are going through this.

I think I may have found the "key" to my PMA. It came to me while reading last night: I started thinking about how much easier this would be if I happened to find someone new, something unexpected and just begin again with them. I knew immediately (well, almost) that this is not what I wanted nor needed. It wouldn't do me, "them" or my family any justice. The idea isn't to find someone new to fulfill me, the idea is to fix me so I don't NEED someone to give me all of my fulfillment!

So, as corny as it sounds, the new "love of my life" is me. I thought I knew me very well but I've decided to take some time to find out what really makes me tick. What is it about me that I like (love)? What things about me give the fulfillment I'm looking for? If I'm not fulfilled by me, then I'd better damn well get off my a$$ and do something about it.

This is the thinking that got me to my carefree/upbeat attitude today. I believe it can continue but even if (when) there are bad days, I'll have this one in my arsenal to help me get through.

So this is where the alien really comes in... W has been looking for a job to help fund her exploration into a new life - pay off some bills here, get OUR stuff taken care of, and then move out once she gets some cash saved.

So she interviewed in the beginning of last week and was really excited and confident. I supported her the whole way (emotionally, spiritually and gave her directions). She was told they would let her know on Thursday or Friday.

On Wednesday morning she told me that she didn't want to take this job because she wants a little more flexibility in the schedule. She was saying that she would go back to school in January and that, too, would make it a bad idea - she didn't want to take the job for 2 months and just leave.

Then she began saying that she could hold off classes until the Fall, but she would prefer a part-time job instead.

Okay, so I told her that if that's what she wanted to do, we would need to go over our finances to figure out a minimum she would need to bring in on a monthly basis to make that all possible. We decided we'd do it on Saturday.

Friday rolled around and she got the call. They want to offer her the position - $12.50 and hour (I think min. wage is $5.85 now). We did some quick math and decided that if she did take the job, even for 2 months, we would be in much better shape in a shorter amount of time and that for those 2 months, we would certainly be able to work around kids' schedules (I work from home so I have a VERY flexible position).

She never returned the call to the company. She figured once we got the finances straightened out, she would have a better idea of what she wanted to do.

I, on the other hand, was kicking myself for not taking care of the financial planning on my own (this is one of our issues, by the way. I am NOT good at the planning but I do it because someone has to. She is much better at it but always has a reason why she can't take it on).

Anyway, Saturday came and went. I tried to sit with her but she 1) was tired, 2) was too busy, 3) wasn't feeling well and finally, #4 - made plans to play her game.

I was furious. Instead of blowing up, I had to walk away. I just couldn't believe it.

I see that I am gun-shy at the moment. I should have let some time pass and sat with her to explain why we were doing this. Why we made the plan to go over things.

I will need to tell her tonight. Why? Because the company called her on Saturday, Sunday and Today!! They left a cell phone number for her to reach them after hours. She has not called them back.

I told her tonight that she's guaranteed to have lost the opportunity at that job.

She was getting ready to play HER GAME:

Me: Shouldn't we go over the finances?
Her: I didn't know we had a plan to do that tonight.
Me: We had a plan to do that on Saturday but it got blown off.
Her: Can we postpone?
*** Cell phone rings, I have an emergency at the office. So I'm downstairs now fuming about this.

As much as I know I have been changing - slowly - and as much as I want her to see those changes up close and personal, sometimes I just wish she would just leave! I have NEVER seen her act like such a spoiled child. I know that part of it is me enabling her. Part is that she does not know what she wants. But damn it, part is just a lack of common sense, maturity and an overabundance of selfishness.

I will do this myself. I will figure out what needs to be done. I will sit her down, explain what I've done, why I have done it and why I had to do it ALONE.

God she's killing me. Somewhere in there is the woman I love. The woman I married and want (really want) to spend the rest of my life with. I'm not sure where she's gotten lost but I hope to hell I can start pulling her back out soon.

Glad you didn't blow up. Maybe she doesn't want to talk 'concrete' stuff when it comes to her 'new life exploration'. They talk the talk, but so many of our spouses don't want to walk the walk. Cheesey, but true.

I soooo know what you mean about your wife, the one you love, being in there somewhere..........

So I worked on the finances and gave her the information. We're not in really good shape at the moment so as part of the discussion I asked her to try to see if she could come up with some solutions - she's better at this stuff than I am.

She thinks she'll get a part time job, possibly get a loan to take care of some of the immediate needs, and work to pay down some of our debt.

She mentioned that she'd probably be needed to work during the week of Thanksgiving but "that's just the way it is".

I said that when she applies, she could let the "job" know that she has plans for that week and would be unavailable. Her response was "I'm not sure if that's going to work for a part time job. Worse case scenario, you take the kids to NC and I'll just do Thanksgiving dinner with my mother".

First of all, I guess I've answered my question about whether or not I want her to go with us to NC - it appears that I do.

Second, I'm having a hard time NOT being the "fixer". I was so tempted to tell her to hold off getting a job until after November so she could still go with us. On the other hand, I just wish she would say something like "I really want to go to NC. Let's see what WE can do to make that possible."

Or should I be the one making that comment? I hate this!

MCC,
I may be a little jaded on this topic, but it sounds like her heart is not really into the trip to NC. I would recommend against her going. Go and enjoy your time with the family. If she goes just because she feels obligated or because you put pressure on her, things will go badly.

We had a family vacation in August to NC. Things weren't going well at the time. W was right in the middle of the A. She was there in body but not mind. Disaster.

W just got home from dropping the kids at school. Asked if I have my 8:00 call this a.m. (I always do). I figured she wanted to talk so I told her we had plenty of time to discuss things.

Her: I think we could get a loan or maybe refinance to help pay down some of these bills. Not sure how much equity we have but we should look into it.

Me : Okay, let's see what we can come up with.

Her: I just want to make sure you understand where I'm at. I want a divorce. I'm staying her not to stay in the marriage but we ARE married and these debts are my responsibility too.

Me : I understand where you're at.

Her: I'm staying here because it's easier. I want to finish my degree. I'll never get a good job without at least getting my associates. It's easier on the kids and it will be easier on us financially. I'm still looking for a divorce.

Me : I know that you want a divorce. You've made that clear. We have to do something about these bills.

It was a little difficult for me NOT to throw out the "well, let's see what happens, maybe you need some time, things aren't as bad as you think they are.", etc.

But not as difficult as it was in the past. I DO know she wants a divorce. I'm still not accustomed to hearing it so there was, of course, a little bit of sadness to hear that but I didn't show any sign of that.

I keep telling myself that one day she'll come out of this fog but she is so adamant about this right now. Narrow-minded. She's found the solution to all of her problems and that solution is to be done with me. The marriage apparently has destroyed her life and her ability to be her own person.

I wish she was even slightly interested in saving this thing! I have so many resources I could share with her. I'd love to point her to this on-line community so she could see hope for us or even just for support.

I've seen so many situations here where the WAS is at least going to counselling - whether it's MC or IC. She wants nothing to do with any of it.

In fact, I have NO idea what she's using for a support network. She used to speak with my sister but now that she has her plan all set, there's no chance for deviation. I look at her and my brain is screams out "HOW CAN THIS BE EASIER?"

It has to run its course. For her, THIS is easier. She hasn't felt any repercussions yet. Damn it she drives me crazy.

Another day of discussion. Sometimes wish I had an office to go to outside the home!

Just discussed with W how I think that in order for me to better detach from her, and to prepare myself for HER divorce, we need to change the sleeping arrangements. She agreed and will be moving out of the bedroom (either downstairs in one of the 2 rooms we have - neither are bedrooms - or moving to the couch upstairs).

Also mentioned to her that while I know she is not interested in fixing this, there are plenty of resources "out there" to help her understand what is going on with ME, HER and the MARRIAGE. I mentioned that D is an awfully drastic step for something that maybe COULD be fixed.

Not trying to push her at all. Like I said, she has made up her mind. I want her to really start thinking about what she's planning. I'm afraid, however, that she's going to need to actually make her mistakes (if they are mistakes) in order to see that this is not a real solution.

Am I doing the right thing with this?

Do you mean making life easy for her while you do all the work? The question should be what are you going to get out of it?