Update 2: I did not receive a call from W advising that she wanted to go ahead and file papers. Whew! I was bothered by the fact that she cries when asked about the divorce. Perhaps she is not as resolute as I thought. I haven't initiated contact with her in about 2 weeks. We did have the following text msg exchange this morning:
Me: What runs around a cow pasture but never moves? W: Oh Dear..... (that was an inside joke between us) Me: a fence. Ha! W: I love it! I'll step dad that one. Me: What does the ocean say to the boat? W: What? Me: Nothing, it just waves. W: Lol! Me: And finally. What does a house wear? W: No clue. Me: A dress! W: Ur killing me!
(end of text msgs)
My rationale was to make her laugh. We always tried to tell the corniest jokes to each other. Also, if I want to reconcile with W, I figured that I would have to be more like the guy I was when we married. I know that she expected me to be angry and upset about the potential divorce. That is precisely why I am not acting that way. If we were to argue about it, I believe that it would justify her decision to get a divorce. I may not text her now for 2 or 3 weeks. I guess I am trying to be unpredictable, make her wonder about me. Will this work, who knows? I have already tried everything else, what do i have to lose? Thoughts and / or comments?
"If you do what you have always done, you'll get what you've always got."
Whew, what a rollercoaster you are on. Makes my ride look like the kiddie ride at the park.
I'd agree that time might be on your side, but don't be too sure. The crying may simply be for grief over a relationship that's over, or it may reflect true anguish over what to do. You have to go by her actions, and right now it seems to me the one that counts is regarding the papers. As long as it's not final, there is still some hope. Don't delude yourself, though, about how much hope there may be. You just don't know until you hear it straight from her or her attorney.
I agree you deserve more straight from her. We all do. My W won't talk to me about anything emotional. Hasn't said a word about divorce, but hasn't said she wants to work together either. Four months in, she's a stone wall. It's damn frustrating at times, but I am moving forward with creating my own happiness now. It's all I, or any of us, can do. The sooner we recognize that, the better we will be.
Make it a good day for yourself and others. Create joy.
My situation is all about extremes, going from one extreme to another. I am encouraged by the fact that the papers have not been filed. However, not overly encouraged. My plan is to lay low for awhile and occasionally text her or not text her at all. No set schedule for sending txt msgs other than not doing it too often. Perhaps I will let her send me a txt. She has done so in the past. I have read up on creating attraction. While most of these books are geared towards single guys trying to pick up women, there are however, many useful concepts that guys in our particular situations can apply and some even overlap with DB'ing. The main one is being unpredictable (within reason) and being unavailable (called "giving her the gift of missing you" an interesting analogy is that diamonds are valued b/c they are scarce, if diamonds were everywhere, they would not be so valuable.)
I have found in my situation that time and space tends to soothe hostile emotions. I may go a few weeks without any contact and then send her a txt msg joke and then stop. I gauge her response for the next time I initiate contact or respond to her txt or phone call. Being positive and confident when interacting with my W is sometimes tough but if I were to come across as angry or needy, I could kiss any chance of reconciliation good-bye. She did not fall in love with an angry or needy guy. I am under no illusions that my strategy will be successful, but at least the papers aren't filed as of yet, and that is a positive.
As someone once said, "a woman will say what she thinks but act how she feels."
Thanks for the comments and / or suggestions. They are a great help in times like this. To be continued....
Please continue to share how your efforts at attraction/detachment are going. I feel we are in the same boat. I agree that we must attract them back, but I feel lost sometimes. That is hard to do, I feel, from a distance when she won't see me or talk for more than a few minutes. Mostly we email some basic logistical stuff about our dogs.
Every once in a while I'll give her a brief description of something interesting I've read. I don't go into any heavy analysis of how I feel it applies to my life. I know deep inside that the changes I make are for myself. I know that the marriage may be over (still, she has not said anything about divorce, or even said something like she is pessimistic; she just doesn't say anything about where she is emotionally). I still have hope that letting her know about my efforts at self-improvement are registering. My therapist believes that many WAS do notice these things. What they do with them is impossible to know unless they tell us, but therapist believes they do get noticed. WAW believes I was the one who needed to change. She was right in many respects. So, maybe signaling that I'm really digging deep is my only hope. I still believe WAW and I could be good for each other, but I am getting better at detachment and am prepared to take what I've learned about myself, life, and love into a new relationship if it comes to divorce.
I will continue to share my situation with any who care to read about it. For an in depth analysis on the whole attraction thig I was referring to check out "Double Your Dating" it is an ebook that you can either order or find online. The author has some insight that seems to have worked for me.
I sent the txt msgs before I would call as it is a little flirtatious and it lets me gauge her demeanor and dependnent on that, I may or may not call. I send txt msgs randomly and I think that helps, remember that unpredictability is a good thing, at least in my situation. I believe that each positive interaction is a positive credit that may ameliorate any negative feelings on her part.
Quick Update: I sent some corny jokes to the W yesterday as I had done so previously. Her reaction was positive. However, after my 3rd and final joke, she sent me a text inquiring as to how I liked my new place. Since I can't send txt msgs from my phone (I can txt from a computer though) I called and we talked for about 30 minutes. Nothing heavy or serious and nothing about the potential D. I had her laughing more so than I have in a long time. She stated that she was glad that I called and we were able to catch up. I told her that the phone works both ways. She said she would remember that and would call to advise me how her job interview went. I was the one who ended the call. I think that is important b/c it shows that you have control. On a side note, I could always tell when she was mad at me b/c when she would get off the phone she would simply say 'bye'. However, if she were happy, she would draw out the 'bye' (think southern belle 'byyyyyyyye'. I got the longer 'bye' yesterday.) More to come....
You mentioned you have tried everything, does that mean you have tried dating others? I think that has busted divorces big time. I have not tried it but Homer says it works. It stops the WAS from seeing us as friends, siblings, enemies, whatever, and see us as desirable. Even thouh they see us as desirable to others, it creates enough of a spark to peak their interest. I just do not have the courage to try dating others but I really think it would work in my case.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I have not tried dating others as of yet although I am to be introduced to a woman next weekend that a close friend has asured me is smart and attractive. I did have a female friend visit me Friday night. Let's just say that she was wanting to take it to the next level and I rebuffed her advances. All I could think of was my W. I would have technically been committing adultery and I could not live with myself. I have always prided myself on how committed I was to my marriage. Still, it was nice to know that I still had "it." I may let it be known that I have dated, but I am still undecided about that. So far, being the funny-cool guy has yielded good results. However, I am cognizant that I do not want to be thought of as a friend. I checked out the Homer McDondal book, not sure if I am willing to pay $80.00 as of yet.
Daily Update: I sent a few txt msg jokes to W yesterday. Her response was positive although I later regretted it. Not b/c of her reaction but rather I was making myself look too available. However, today we had the following exchange via txt msging:
Her: Interview went great! Cross your fingers for me!
Me: Great news! I am not surprised. Crossing of fingers for people who need luck. U have the interview skilz & have no need for "luck."
Her: Thank you!
I supose that this is a positive development. She initiated contact with me and that in itself is progress. However, I am fearful that W may start seeing me as a "friend" and not a husband. While I want to continue our positive interactions, I do not want to end up as a "friend." (sounds weird as she was always my best friend). I would appreciate any thoughts, comments or suggestions. Thanks in advance.
Update: As I was in my office trying to drown myself in my work, I received a txt msg from W. The txt was a corny joke, much like the ones that I had sent to her. I replied to her and sent her a stupid joke and then stopped. She has initiated contact twice in the last 2 days. I am encouraged but remain reserved as I do not want to get too excited. Thoughts and / or comments are always appreciated.
"Progress, no matter how slight, is still progress."
