Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? H has left have I Done the right thing

Well then it is time to roll up your sleeves and keep DBing. remember they will say they have fallen out of love and Dom is right, those are feelings and feelings change. We are actually more in control of our feelings than we know. That is why when we fake love and happiness we eventually feel love and happiness.

I am so sorry for the separation/ divorce discussion. I t feels like another bomb telling the kids. Your kids are both on eyear older than mine and it has been so hard. I feel like we are livingparallel lives across the ocean.

Read everything you can on the subject of saving your marriage but also know that you will be fine either way. Yes, you will.

About your name. It is a dissapointment but I have also felt it is something more like disillusionment. I wish I had understood how fragile a marriage was before my separation. I felt like a promise was a promise, but now I see how Rs need a lot of tending.

If this is really true, then he needs to see it for what it is. It may take weeks, or months... Sometimes we need to experience something before we can really see that it's doesn't work.

FWIW, I think you shouldn't try to talk him out of it. He'll only dig in his heels and strengthen his position. Act as if, look nice, be friendly and light. I promise, this isn't even close to the end.

He thinks he wants this. So, let him have it.

The key to that, (if he is in any way willing to listen, which he might not be), is to literally take no more than 60 seconds to say what you have to say.
120 seconds at the max.



you might consider running out and buying one of the marriage builders books, such as "fall in love, stay in love".
They are all mostly the same, just with a slightly different focus in each one; they go into the "love bank" concepts, and how feelings of romantic love, come about through how we are treated.
The point being that, if the feelings rise and fall through how we are treated, then we can feel better about others, if they treat us in the ways we really want to be treated, inside.
The book will help him identify what ways are important to him, and you on how to meet those needs.

it's kinda like the "5 love languages" stuff, but it gets more into the practical, "here's EXACTLY how you do it" kinda stuff.
For example, their books usually come with an "emotional needs" and "love busters" questionnaire, that the other one does not.

Technically, you can also download those questionnairs from the marriagebuilders website.





So anyway, if you can pique his interest in 1-2 minutes, on the CONCEPT of "romantic feelings arent random, they come about through specific causes"... enough to read either the entire book, or at least the "basic concepts" summaries on the web site... then you could really be onto something.

But: you also have to be prepared for the possibility that he will not be interested, and his mind be closed.

If begging hasnt worked... then you will probably be best off doing this in an extremely non-needy, non begging, but purely rational, detatched, "here's an interesting theory" manner.

ie: "This seems to be an interesting theory. If it is right, it could completely revolutionize our marriage, and the way we feel about each other. If there was something we could both choose to do, that would make both of us feel incredibly romatically attracted to each other again; would it be worth investigating?"

Or, if he's the debative/argumentative type, "This sounds correct to me. Do you think you could show me where it is wrong?"



However: once the 120 seconds is up: like azhira said... trying to pressure more than that, is just going to make him dig his heels in more. So I think you should let it drop after that, if he doesnt show any interest"

Thanks guys, really appreciate your thoughts.

Dom - i have googled Marriage Busters and downloaded a lot of info to read. I hope to remain positive and hopfeful, but as you pointed out his mind is closed and defiantly not interested, anything I do to save try to save this marriage with will be done alone and right now it seems a huge job and a long way off into the future.

I decided not to meet H for dinner on Thursday, i told him it wasn't that I didn't want to, that it was just a bit to soon and could we take a rain check until after the half term holiday? He said whenever i was ready. He texts/emails me everyday, not pressuring me anymore, but news about the boys.

A close friend (more mine) sadly passed away on Monday and H has offered to take me to the funeral this week to support me, i have thanked him for the offer and agreed for him to take me.

This evening the boys want to see their daddy's new home and I have agreed to take them and 'vet' the place before they stay over. That will be so hard.

In another vain, the boys and i are away for the holidays at the seaside and the boys would like their dad to visit them and stay over. My question is: is this a good idea to ask H?, on one hand I would like a happy light family day for the boys to see mommy and daddy together, and maybe away from the home things may be more relaxed. On the other hand it may be too soon for me?

MKultra - what is your stich, I will read and catch up.
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About your name. It is a dissapointment but I have also felt it is something more like disillusionment. - Could you explain what you meant?
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On a positive note, i feel more relaxed knowing he is not in the house, it is so much better having the space and not having to worry about the atmosphere and instead of waking up to his back in the morning i wake up to my son who has a smile and is pleased to see me and full of conversation. I am happy for him to be in my bed for now and I know he is happier been there.

Please keep chatting, it's good to read your preceptiona and to hear the snippets from your own stich's. Sorry its all one sided atm.

XD

Hey sweetie. So sorry to hear about your friend.

If they boys want him to come, could they ask him?

I think it would be nice for the kids to have a family day, if you two can get through it without any sort of snipping or fighting or anything. Of course, this is from the gal who hangs out on a daily basis with her xh...

seconded, on the idea of, "if the boys want him to come, and it's ok with you: tell them they can ask him if they want"

Thanks guys, will ask the boys to ask him.

Took the boys last night to H's new place, small and cosy in good condition and warm. I'm happy enough. H had all of his stuff unpacked and organised. He seemed really really happy. He must have been so unhappy with me.....?

I know it's early days and the novelty may wear off, but he seemed to be really pleased with himself, not in a malicious way. I was quite uncomfortable, I couldn't be happy for him and rightly or wrongly I didn't pass comment on the place. The boys were fine and wanted to stay.

H sent me a TM later thanking me for taking the boys over, I guess he realised I could have been really awkward about it.

It's hard to know how to behave/act. I can't go dark as he keeps phoning/emailing/txt, that will be mind games and he will see through that, get angry and it will back fire. I do delay answering him and he called me yesterday because I hadn't replied to an email he had sent to me 2 hours earlier. I know I can look my best and act as if, but acting as if is to early for me right, I don't want him to think i'm ok and have moved on.

I have read on the board that it takes 4-6 weeks for them to start missing you so that will be near Xmas in that time I have H's B'day and our Anniversary.

I guess im anxious for the future, I don't know what it holds and I want him to want me. I think it's to soon for any R talks just yet, so I have to just take it 1 small step at a time.

Maybe he's just enjoying having something that is all 'his'? You know, his style, his placement, whatever. I know that's the case with my xh. (Actually, we go shopping to pick out stuff for his place. Not my style, but it's a blast.)

The thank you message is a good positive.

Why go dark? It doesn't sound necessary. It sounds like you may just need some time to think and process for yourself. That's okay.

I still think this may be a good for you guys, in the long run. You sound a little less worked up.

Today was the funeral of my friend, H took me, V suportive, arm around me, held my hand, we talked, not really R stuff, just a little about who we had told about stich etc I told him that if anyone were to ask me at work (we both work for the same company, different ends of the campus though)I was just going to confirm the separation but say we were trying to work things out, H agreed. He stayed with me until he had to go back to work.

My XH was at the funeral and we talked for the first time since our D (13 yrs ago), it's been quite an emotional day!!!.

H came back after work this evening and had a cup of tea and has just left to go back to his new house.

I told h that the boys wanted him to come on holiday with us just for the day and 1 night, but he said no, it would be to much.

H has lent me his car for the trip, done tires, oil, fuel etc

H is taking my D shopping next week (never ever done that) for stuff for her trip abroad, he's making a huge effort with boys and been nicer and more considrate to me than he has been in a long time.

I know you will all think these are positive signs, but I know h just wants things amecable anf friendly maybe like you A i may end up seeing more of him and have a better R this way??? I pray that time and space will bring us back together??

I needed him today and he was there for me and he looked dead horny in his suit.. aybe I should text him and thank him again?

Hope you all have a good week.

Laters

XD

Amicable and friendly are a good thing. It leaves the door open in the future. (And, I think, we are both in a good place at the moment.) At the very least, even if his intentions are just friendly right now, it keeps from burning any bridges.

By the way, I think he did an awesome job, going to the funeral with you. That took a lot for him.