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Confront him. But hold your temper. He has been dishonest with you telling you they are just friends and writing this love sick stuff to her. Your husband is acting childish. I would definitely contact either the presenting couple you related best to at the weekend or the post session leaders and discuss these events. Your husband is leading a double life. This is unacceptable but you must not fly off in all directions. Get help from the people you trust. You need a Retrouvaille husband to talk to him.

Well, I don't get it. Why would anybody that says they want to save their M even consider putting anyone else (especially OW) over their own W? Aren't you suppose to mean the most above all others to him? He won't give up his friends for you? Oh really? You are suppose to mean more to him than any person on earth.....even the children! This man is unbelievable! I had a gut feeling from the first that he had not been straight with you and I still think he is lying.....but then I don't know him...it is just a feeling. I'm sorry....I just get mad seeing how men lie to their W's (or the other way around) and just think they should be able to accept it and have cake and eat it too.

Don't you dare apoligize or take the blame for the fault here. You are the one that has done nothing wrong. Sure he pretends ignorance (or something) and says he's done nothing wrong...b/c he want to keep doing it!!!

Your mother was wrong yelling at you. She was probably upset b/c of the children, but she should not have taken it out on you. She probably doesn't know everything that has happen.......does she? Maybe you should discuss it with her. Surely she would not expect her D to put up with that from a H.

I live in a small town and people here just don't have friends that does not include the spouse. In every case I have ever known of personally....it ends in an EA or PA--or a D from jealousy (which was justified). M was not designed to have friends of the opposite sex. We are to cleave to our spouse and forsake all others. I've heard that vow in the M cermony means in sexual terms, but if we have friends of the opposite sex and are having dinner alone with them, etc....it will lead to having sex with them. It is a disaster waiting to happen. There may be very, very few exceptions to the rule.......very few. I can't think of any right now. I would be furious if I even thought my H was talking with another woman, much less having dinner with her. Honey, if he is wanting a private email account with this OW.....you have got to know in your heart that it means "no good".

Don't let him walk on you and don't let him make you feel that it is all your fault and you just don't trust him.....or any other games and lies he tries to pull. He may be wanting admiration or whatever from OW....but it doesn't make it right.

I agree wholeheartedly with that post.

Limbo - I am so sorry.

I agree with the others. This is something that needs dealing with. Personally I wouldn't be too worried about what they are saying actually happening - these things hardly ever seem to work in reality - but it is the need he has that is not so good. He needs to understand why he feels like this and see that he can't do this to you; that he is being deceitful.

(((((((HUGS))))))))

saffie

Thanks you all

I truly believe that h is scared to commit for some reason he feels that something better is waiting around the corner, and he can't see what he has under his nose.
It was a rough night to say the least, and I don't know truly where we stand right now. He told me this morning he is sorry and wants to stay.
But where do we go from here, and why do I love him so much, I keep telling myself it didn't get physical, but hearing that someone else is his soulmate has really hurt!
I would suggest the retro people to him, but I don't think he would go for it! Not sure how to move forward from here, and i told him that we could get past this, but am I just lieing to myself?

She isn't his soul mate and YOU know that. The idea of someone from the past is great. They take you back to when you felt young and everything still seemed so hopeful for the future. It's a romantic notion - not in touch with reality at all. I had a couple of old flames contact me through Friends Reunited and I have to say to begin with it was nice chatting to them but they were so needy and obviously had unfinished business from years back. Both were in 'good M's. I don't expect their wives knew about the contact though and after we had got through the 'and what have you been doing up until now?' phase I backed off as they seemed to be wanting to go in a direction I felt uncomfortable with. I can see if one was needy though it would be quite flattering.

My sister did get involved with someone that way and it bust up her M. She is very niaeve though and she did have an awful H. But even so she has realised that it was stupid and the guy that contacted her was a complete waste of space. It was only because she is so 'innocent' and believes what people tell her that it went as far as it did. A 'normal' person would have realised quite quickly that there was something strange going on.

For whatever reason, your H is casting around to try and fill a void. Identifying that void is the biggest thing. Who made first contact - him or her? I hate Friends reunited and sites like them. They have a lot of pain to answer for.

saffie

Limbo--

I am so so sorry you are going through another bad blow. Please do not take their soul mate talk so seriously - this is textbook material from the "How to have an A book 101..." My H's ow said the same thing she felt he was her soul mate blah blah blah. I just about tossed my cookies upon hearing this and was so enraged that I clearly said to my H that in NO uncertain circumstances that "real soul mates" just do not happen they are not "out there" waiting to hook up. I feel soul mates are made from that commitment to each other, from having children together or building a home together, surviving job losses and successes TOGETHER, from surviving health issue together and/or family losses together. You cannot be true soul mates unless you are together and a romp in the hay a few times over a period of 6 -12 mos hardly constitutes a real relationship. They are in a bubble, fantasy la la land where they do not deal with reality so how could they really even consider themselves soul mates.

You and I are so much the same. I OFTEN wonder why I continue to be hurt and how could I love my H so much still after all this. I do keep trying (as tired as I am right now) b/c 1) my kids and how much they need us together and 2) I truly believe we had a wonderful M and somehow it got way off track but maybe we can be even better b/c of the A.

I keep the faith I have had all along and though I sometimes let fear and sadness get in the way of my goals and drag me back a little I still pick myself up and plug along. My H has always said to me that anything worth having takes work, it takes effort. If this were easy everyone would be doing it. D is the easy way out (initially) but after a D the WAS is still unhappy (b/c we all know it's a problem within) and no longer has the LBS to be the fall guy.

I hope I have not rambled too much you have come so far to give up now!! Maybe you and your hubby could see a Retro couple together. He needs to truly stop the lies in order for any healing to begin...

You are my inspiration - I know you can do this!!

HB

He contacted her, along with other friends through facebook...at my suggestion!! as they are friends and family he hasn't been in contact with for along time, of course I had no idea who she was.

She does live very far away, takes days to drive or hours to fly.

As you said he is looking for something and thats what hurts.

Over the past few weeks he has told me that he could live with out me, that he deeply loves me, is that all lies? thats what is so hard because does this just kill everything that has been said and done in the last few months, or does he mean them but is confused?

Only he can answer that for you!!

I think he means what he says to you but is confused.

A cognitive behavioural therapist might be able to help him identify what it is that makes him feel this way. it might be a fear of getting older, feeling unattractive - it could be anything. If he can recognise that there is a problem and that you are there to help then that would be a HUGE first step. I think you need to see it as not a slight against you or something wrong with you and him, but a problem with him and his head. Like an illness.

saffie