Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? There and Back, #10

okay, have to laugh. my 5 year old made a list today of his favorite songs. I think I need to tuck it inside his baby book. lol. god I love this kid.

fins
rock star
volcano
cheeseburger in paradise
walk through the fire
barroom blitz
thunder road
ooooh child
grapefruit and juicyfruit

I could hang out with him, no problem.

Hey, Morgan. It sounds like you are doing an awesome job prepping yourself. I still think it is appropriate and ok to request a written outline of what he intends to discuss. It is a fair and reasonable request. There is no reason why you should be taken off guard. There is no reason why he should be able to prep and come in with his guns blazing. I see a pattern with your H. He makes it a point to take you off guard. At least he set up an appt for this talk, but I, personally, don't think he should keep the agenda secret. If it is about D proceedings, then he should forwarn you. If it is about kids and OW, he should forwarn you. No matter what.

That's just my 2 cents. I hate being taken off guard too. Knee jerk reactions are my forte

You are right. Your H is missing so much. Mine too. I know they love their kids, but sometimes I wonder if all this is what they are running from anyway. My H seems pretty content to not have to take any responsibility. The cute little fun stuff is small change to sacrifice next to the work required to be there full time.

We are seeing through our perspective, not theirs. We could not/would not be where they are, which is why we are not.

oh yeah, neph, this is what he is running from. he actually said to me the other day that his IC (who he no longer sees) never helped him with what H sees as his real problems...his confusion about me and ow, and his confusion about the kids...wanting them, but not wanting them. he has made no progress, all of this is stuff he has told me over and over.

as for the agenda, I did ask in an e-mail what specifically he wanted to talk about, but he never answered. so I'm going to use it to my advantage...I'll use it to buy me time if I need to. just need to remember, and be very clear, that I am allowed to ask for time to process this and get back to him on my own time. again, it will be huge for me to do this, and not kneejerk or try to fix things/troubleshoot/defend myself right then and there.

Morgan, I did read that having babies can really put a lot of stress on the WAS. As long as aging and job stress.

Am brain dead. I meant along with those other factors.

So, therefore, the "the kids need you in their lives" angle is fruitless. I see my H make a b-line for the door the minute juice is spilled, there is a tantrum, or any slight disciplinary issue surfaces. He just can't handle it.
How is he ever going to be able to come back here? He can't last more than a couple of hours here, and that's with me jumping through hoops making sure there is no pressure. Real life has pressure. Real life has spilled juice and cranky kids.

Sorry to high jack, Morgan. I feel where you are coming from.

yeah, h knows that the kids need him $ wise, and a certain amount of time wise, but he figures he's well covered with things as they are now. and don't forget, kids are resilient...he truly believes none of this really affects them at all.

I have a lot of wishes for things being different, but hey, it is what it is, and I have to meet it head on. I'm feeling a bit better...finding my feet. isn't changing the train wreck that is coming, but its changing how I react to it, hopefully. I'm going to treat saturday as an informational meeting, as opposed to one that should see any resolutions. H likely has a very different agenda....quite likely he has the whole thing worked out, whether its about getting his own place or fully going the divorce route. doesn't mean I have to agree to anything right then and there...hopefully. I need to keep saying it in my head, that I am allowed to have time to process this and get back to him.

again, time will tell. only a couple of days to go.

heading to therapy this morning. will see if th has anything else that can help me prepare/feel ready for whatever is coming.

so here is a question. if H confronts me on the man/men he thinks I am dating, do I tell the truth? I have told him in the past that I am not dating anyone, but haven't said that in a while. at the same time, I've never said I was dating anyone, either. have never responded when he asked questions about anyone, just told him it was none of his business.

so do I tell him the truth if he asks? or keep saying its none of his business?