Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? He's on Match.com

Oh girl ((((Hugs)))) these bombs are definitely harmful to us LBSs. But in reality nothing has truly changed in your sitch, except that you may want to reevaluate your boundaries and the ML part.

At least you have a bit more info now....don't know if that helps you or not but in my sitch I'm going buts wondering if there is an OW. It wouldn't change what I'm doing a bit, but at least I'd have better knowledge of my enemy in this war, kwim?

HUGS

((Agent99))

I'm sorry.

One suggestion - QUIT looking on there. Obsessing about how many times he's logged in, when his last login was, who his matches might be, how his behavior may or may not change based on his latest login.... NONE of that is useful, helpful, healthy.

FOCUS ON YOU.

What now?

Same thing you should have been doing and be doing... focus on yourself, making your life great, making yourself whole, complete, and healthy no matter what.

Your H's profile on match.com is NOT the problem.

Yes, knowledge is good.

Before, I thought he was "thinking" about things and just "open" to going out with someone if they crossed his path.

Now he is actively looking- and I can see why he is trying to free up the weekends.

My girlfriend went thru the profile and said "He's describing you! He is soo messed up- he already has all of this with YOU! The only thing different is superficial things that don't last. The important things are you."

I don't know if anyone noticed, but my H is 44 and the search was for 25-40 year olds. He didn't even include women his age. And yet he repeatedly tells me that he isn't trying to just go out and F some younger woman.

I don't know what to say (if anything). He did say that Boldness/Assertiveness was a turn on for him. What would someone who is Bold/Assertive do? And to think, *I* felt bad for his crappy apartment complex.

Jeanette - that's a scream - why wasn't I meant to read it?!!!!

Saffie

Someone bold an assertive might tell him to grow up and act his age or by him a porn mag!!!!!Lots of young bimbo's in there aren't there?



saffie

I agree with that;to a degree. My "problem" is that my decisions are affected by H and what he does. If he came to the house today and said "You need to be out by the end of the month, I am moving some 25 year old into the house" what I would do is in that situation is different than if he came to the house and said "I'm really messed up in the head. I *do* want to work on the marriage. Let's go to retrouvaille."

So, theoretically, I could make decisions with no regard to him, but seems harder to do in real life.

Hey Agent... sorry for the shock you went through.

My thoughts on this:

yes, it's nice that he was only active "in the last week".
my gut feeling is that you should go with the "keep it under your hat".

Two positive thoughts:

he said 25-40. you ARE 40.

he said he was looking for someone "slender and toned". you said you're not.
but you could be

"curvy" can mean different things to different people. To women who have a problem admitting they are overweight, it means "overweight". However, to men, it can mean, "actually has a bust"

you could choose to be "curvy and toned", and I betcha you would knock his sox off.

If this were a "marriagebuilders" site, then it could be said that you have been given an incredible gift by this discovery:
You have been given a revalation that you are not fully meeting one of his "emotional needs". You so far have not fully met something that he deems important to him: to have a physically "toned" partner.
This is a gift, because you KNOW that it is something that means something to him, AND it's something you can meet, if you choose to!!

I would suggest that you choose to start up a gym plan. Possibly even with a personal trainer, if you can afford it.
Once you have started it (the day after, is fine), let him know. [with no reference to "slender and toned", even though I'm sure you'll be tempted ]

My guess is that, even if he doesnt show it directly.. the fact that you are showing initiative about maintaining your body well in this way, is going to be an incredibly strong attractant to him.

Heck, if he goes with you, and he's that type of guy, he might want to jump your bones right after you work out if so, i'd suggest letting the "date me" stuff slide, and take it as a bonding experience.

I could be totally wrong here... he could just have picked the "slender and toned" checkbox almost whimsically. But if I'm right... this could be a great thing for your marriage!

PS: and yeah, obviously, you need to speak your mind more directly, when things bother you. given the whole "bold and assertive" junk he put in there.
That does NOT mean that you confront him about this.
Possibly at the 3 month reevaluation stage, you mihgt choose to do that. but my guess is that if you choose to do the "get in shape" stuff, it will mean more to him if you dont let him know you read it off his profile.

Stupid attitude that people have, really... In some ways, it should mean MORE to people, if someone changes something because you let them know it is important to you. But seems like too many people have the opposite attitude.

well, wow.

That's a whole different view point.

Regarding not meeting his emotional needs- he won't let me.
Here's a blurb from his profile: Looking to meet attractive single woman who loves the night life, the outdoors, music and laughter. I really like to be around others and interact but I also like time together to explore this beautiful state and be intimate.
The intimate things just makes me sick. SICK. I like the night life, I was BEGGING to go camping, I love concerts and I LOVE to laugh. I have made all sorts of suggestions to go to various places and spend the night, etc.

Life is too short to worry about the little things that dont matter anyway. I love to travel and want to spend much more time doing that now. I also like to be outdoors as much as possible but dont mind hanging around being lazy on Sundays. Friend and social activites are also important to me and I enjoy fun get togethers and adventures to anywhere.
Ummm...Ok. Me too. But, according to him, he didn't want to bring his friends around when he didn't know 'what was going to happen with us'. I would wager big money that if it was some 25 year old he met off match, he would be more than happy to include her.
Why am I bothering to try? WHY???

yeah, i know right where you're sitting in that one, reguarding time and activities together.

Except that he IS letting you meet those ones. You get to spend a whole lot of time with your husband.
"glass is half full" rather than half empty, and all that.
you have things WAY better than many folks (including me!) in that arena.







yeah. know where you are coming from there. It's pretty disgusting when a married man says all that.

Looking at YOU again, and your past actions, as they relate to what he put up on match.com:

First off... "too much begging", o course.

[going by his "bold" thing, it should have probably been less begging, and more demanding, btw]


Then secondly...



I hope you dont get all hostile about this at me. I have vague deja vu recollections of some woman going off the deep end when I said this sort of thing before.

I'm glad you quoted that, because it screams that a major, major factor in all this, appears to be: your appearance.

it is a huge red flag, that he puts as his very first adjective for what he is looking for, as: attractive.
That incredibly underscores what I was merely "guessing" at, previously, about his unmet emotional needs from you. Now it's not just a guess, it's pretty much a proven thing.
And it could well be his "#1 out of 5" need, on the marriagebuilders scale. "attractive spouse".


My guess is that he doesnt think it's going to change, so I think perhaps he's toying with the idea of whether he wants to "settle" for you or not.

So... are you going to change it, in order to better meet his "emotional needs"?
Are you going to commit to "hit the gym" reguarly?
(and possibly dress style yourself differently?)





Because, when you dont hate him.. you still love him.
and maybe even when you hate him, too.

-------------

side comment, about me, but you might find motivating;
I wouldnt say that "attractive spouse" is even close to my #1 need... but it is certainly something that means something to me. I bugged my wife about it for years, before I finally gave up.
[eg: i like long hair.. she chopped hers, after 2 weeks of being married. ???!]

Interestingly, now that she's no longer doing it "for me".. she has chosen to grow her hair longer (just like I always kept begging her to), and have it styled more, and stuff like that...
And it makes her even more attractive to me. sigh....

So... never underestimate how powerful that sort of thing can be, to your husband.