Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy His affair, My rollercoaster

I am so tired of riding this mental and emotional rollercoaster. My H started and EA about 3 or 4 years ago, and at the time, I told him that this was going to cause trouble, but he insisted that they were "just friends", then "best friends". He had a breakdown 3 years ago and ended up in hospital, suicidially depressed. He swears to this day that she saved his life because she was "there for him". Apparently the 15 -17 hours a day I was at the hospital, holding down the fort at home (including standing on my doorstep and listening to his ex scream at me for 20 minutes) and trying to find ways to help him any way I could, don't count. He insists on having her over here at home to visit, and I refuse to make nice, so he gets mad at me.
I hate her. She is married and will never leave her husband because he is extremely rich. She just carries on affairs with both women and my H. She sends him emails every day telling him she loves him and that he is "hers". She had a lesbian affair with one of her extended family members and nearly ended that marriage too. My H is better looking and more charming than hers. She wanted him and went after him hard.
Lately, H has been under a lot of stress because of a large project we have going on at home. He was taking some time off of work, but told me he had to work the weekend before. He went off for the weekend with her. I caught him in the lie and he admitted it, but said nothing happened. I don't believe him. I have found cards and letters and sex toy kits that she has given him with little love notes still attached. He says that he is impotent. I don't believe that for a minute. He has not slept in the same room as me for three years. Basically since he took up with her.
I hate the emotional roller coaster I have been on for the last 3 or 4 years. I swing between hope and rage. Sometimes I hate him. I always hate her. When he was recovering from his depression, there was a period when I could do nothing right so rather than constantly being yelled at, I withdrew. Lately we have been getting along better. He has been better lately, until I caught his lie. The he got depressed again for about a week. I don't know if this was an act or not. One of the things that really bugs me is that he has never said he was sorry. He has never apologized. I don't know if he wants to be caught or what, I find her love notes and other junk in the house and it seems he barely bothers to hide it. Maybe he trusts that I won't snoop. Wrong.
I have been reduced to spying, and I hate it. If he says he has to work on a day he normally doesn't, I check up on it. I have been tempted to go to her H, but I need them to stay together. I have read about half the DB book and have found that I am getting small results, but sometimes I get so discouraged. Sometimes I wonder why I want him back at all, then I remember the first 5 or 6 years we were together. It was wonderful, I never felt so loved and cherished. I want that back, or at least some sembalance of it. There is an age gap between us, but it has never been an issue and still isn't. I have worried off 24 pounds in the last 4 weeks (not a bad thing, but not healthy) I am going to GAL and see if that shocks him into paying attention.
I need help, I need advice...
ME 48
H 37
M 9 years
T 10 years

NS,
I'm sorry that you have been going through such a rough time. It sounds like you are on the right path by reading DR and following the advice. I would also suggest that you read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.

Just don't pursue, give him space. Do things for yourself and be strong.

Hugs, Yoyo

Thanks Yoyo...it just sometimes seems that things go from bad to worse, but reading the book is helping a lot. Sometimes it's just hard to be constantly rejected. We used to be able to talk, but lately sometimes I don't know what to say. I will lood for the book you have recommended.

NS,
I found that reading books helped me to keep my sanity. I would go to Amazon.com and read their synopsis. I must have about 10 books. Another book you might be interested in is "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. I also liked "When Yout Mate Wants Out" by Jim and Sally Conway. You might want to go online and find the books that you would like to read and then go to your library and check them out. I live in a small town and I didn't really want anyone knowing what was going on so I just mostly ordered them.

I agree with Yoyo - books and this place brought my life back in view.

saffie

I swear he wants to be caught. He brings home love notes and sappy cards she sends him and leaves them in his room. (he has not shared a room or bed with me since he started up with her) All her notes are of the i love you, you complete me, you are my soulmate variety. She buys him little gifts, including those of a sexual nature (toys, massage oil, lubricant) and he brings these home and leaves them in his room.
If he wants this type of attention, so be it. I left a funny card in his truck yesterday, just a thinking of you type of card. We'll see what happens.

It may not be for you.. but how are you sure it isnt for him?

how old is the OW?

a woman that is 11 years older than her man, may not be a big deal at 20 vs 30... but i would think it gets to be more of a big deal when the man starts hitting 40. (and he starts seeing more men his age, dating 30year olds)

Doesnt mean things are hopeless... but if it has become an issue for him... it would be a good idea for you to think about ways to help the situation between you.

The OW is younger than him, but not at all good looking. I didn't marry him until I was 40. Age was an issue for me when I met him, I thought he was too young, but he wanted someone who was not silly and hysterical and did not play games. The age issue has not come up since. Most of his EA has to do with his breakdown and how she was "there for him" and "understood him" since she has mental health issues of her own. I do not suffer from depression and have a hard time understanding the black hole it creates in a life, even after seeing it. His EA started with email when she was living in another part of the country.

Well, he got the card and then asked me if I meant to insult him or was it a nice gesture? I told him it was a nice gesture and he said that he was not in the mindset to expect nice gestures from me. I almost cried. Instead, I just looked at hime and said "Well.....suprise!" and went to work. When I went to work today I just kissed him on the cheek instead of the mouth, even though he was turning his head toward me. I do know that he and OW are arguing at the moment about something. He probably feels that he has nowhere to go. I spent the weekend working and made sure I looked nice and was upbeat. I think he is starting to become confused. I hope I can use this time while he and OW are fighting to attract his attention as it were and maybe he will notice that I am being nice and not causing conflict.

I would like to know if anyone has any suggestions on what to do for his upcoming birthday. Should I keep it low-key or make a big deal of it. For my birthday, 3 weeks ago, I got nothing. He did not even say Happy Birthday. He just said "I didn't forget its your birthday" and thats the last I heard about it. It didn't bother me too much, as growing up, my family never made a big deal of birthdays, but his family does and so does OW. I'm sure she'll buy him fancy gifts and mushy cards, but mushy is not my style.

He barely talks to me since I found out about his dirty little weekend away with her. I don't know if he feels guilty about going away (probably not),or lying, or getting caught. I have tried to be as normal as possible, but these one-sided conversations are getting tedious. I told him at the time that I was willing to put this behind me provided he does not do it again. In other words, I can forgive, but I will not forget. He drives for a living and I know he takes her with him on some of his trips, but I don't ask about it, because I don't want him to feel forced to lie again. (he will) I don't know what she tells her H about these little jaunts because they are overnight, so she apparently is a liar too.

Communication around here is at a low point, I can't get him to talk about anything. Any time we do talk, it's just the same old thing over and over again. It all comes down to him saying that I won't understand his depression and how I am no help if he talks to me when he is down. The thing is, he doesn't talk to me. If I ask him if anything is wrong, I just get silence...or a mumbled "nothing". How can I help, or even know what's going on if he won't tell me? All I can do is keep things going as smoothly as possible around the house while he "talks" to her.

I have put into practice some of the things in the divorce busting book, and have noticed small changes in his behavior. I will keep plugging away at it and, hopefully, he will feel comfortable opening up to me a little more.