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Forever21,

I'm just catching up with your sitch and am sorry that you have been doing this for so long. W and I have been separated for ten months now and I dont think that she will ever pull the trigger. She has her cake and is eating it too. Unlike you, I dont like living alone and have not ever threaten to file for divorce. I'm focusing on my own personal growth and feeling more comfortable with being on my own. Who knows, maybe I will have the strength to suggest myself that we divorce and she will be shaken up a bit. But, for now I'm just hangin in limbo.

Do you plan on pushing the subject of filing?

Hi hiscott,

Thank you! I'm sorry you've been separated from your wife also. I hear ya about them having their cake and eating it too. Set yourself up for success so you don't feel like a doormat. You gotta have some boundaries for yourself. I'd advise you not to threaten D. If you are to bring it up, you want to be truly okay with that before you do. Don't make threats. That will not get you anywhere. I've walked a fine line when I have said I'm done and such.

Thanks for complimenting me on my strenth. We can learn from each other's mistakes. I hope you and others learn from mine, rather than try to follow in my or other people's footsteps. Keep in mind, just because it looks like a good path to take doesn't mean you have to step in the same mud puddles or trip on the same rocks on that path. And don't forget there may be better paths for you too. I personally would not make it a goal to suggest divorce. It can happen, sure.... but I'm not sure it gets us closer to our goal if that goal is to open the door to reconciling with our S. We want to show them with our actions, not words.... just as we like to see action on their part, and don't believe what they say.

I'm glad you are focusing on your personal growth and feeling more comfortable on your own. That isn't just hangin in limbo. But I know how ya feel. Keep up the work. Don't forget to dream big, and work backwards from those dreams.

No, I don't plan on pushing the subject of filing. Not at this time. Divorcing isn't what I really want. That would be asking for what I don't want. No need for me to say anything at this point. In the recent past I thought I was pretty ready, and I wanted to let my H know that I had changed my mind on holding out on D before I took action on it... because we had made a verbal agreement in person back in the Spring to do that. He'd asked me to. I told him at that time that I could give him time, if he was working on himself. Well, he's not working on himself but he'd like me to believe he is. At this point, enough has been said and has happened that I think I'm free of that commitment. Having him served with D papers could serve as notice enough.

Thanks for posting. Take care.

Peace and love. f21

LOL. HS, you are funny. Doin' good. Hope you are too!

Okay, for my update.....

Needing to get more organized with everything in my head.

H has been trying to act loving to me, but that has been mixed with anger and anxiety when we've spoke. He really doesn't seem to be interested in divorcing as a solution. He has had ample opportunity to jump all over it but says he doesn't want to. I am pretty sure he is seeing the OW though. He has gone out of his way to make up stories so that I don't jump to conclusions. It's funny.

Last we spoke was a week ago Wednesday. I had actually called him that time, on his way to work. I hadn't called him out of the blue like that for a long time. I decided to follow up with him as he hadn't gotten back to me like he said he was going to, and I had a C appt that day. I had some things I wanted to talk about before I went to that. Yeah, probably not all that wise but I don't regret it as it was some good fact-finding. He got crabby and the convo wasn't going great, and I cut it short... told him I didn't mean to intrude on his life. He texted me later to say he was sorry and blamed his crabbiness on the traffic that caused him to get to work at the last minute. He said it was not an intrusion on his life at all, and he said a lot of other nice things. Okay. When we were talking it seemed as though he would like for me to call just to say ILY, IMY, all that stuff... so I told him that, and he said "that would be nice". I told him I had avoided doing that even when I felt like it because I didn't want him to feel pressured, but wanted to show him that I just wanted him to be happy. He said I have showed him that... but I know he could've just been sayin that. Anywho, we texted back and forth some that night... just friendly stuff.

Last Saturday night he had sent me a text acting all loving and sayin that he needed to talk with me in the next couple days about financial stuff (saying "no fun!"). Well, I got back to him a day later but hadn't heard from him again all week until this morning. I'll get back to that in a sec.

I'd called him Tuesday evening and left him a voicemail in case he was expecting me to call him. No reply. Yesterday morning, I called again but didn't leave another message. I needed to get some paperwork to him. Last night, pretty late, I sent a text to let him know I'd dropped the insurance paperwork by his bro's for him. I decided to have a little fun with that. I could have waited until this morning because it was almost 11pm when I thought I should tell him, but I figured I'd send it then and be all lovey with him. Heheeee.

In his text this morning he was all lovey again as well, and thanked me twice. Said he's "been kinda busy", lol, and "We should talk here soon. Like today. Is there a good time to call u? Let me know, ok?" Lol. He's probably working today, so he's free to talk with me finally. I hope he doesn't think he's good at this living a double life stuff.

I am going to follow my same game plan I had prepared on Sunday. I am thinking it is very likely that it is going to be a big emergency for him about the finances. He'll probably expect me to go in the back yard and harvest the money off the tree for him myself. I am going to be like.... I know, what are we gonna do? and really be lovey. I'm such a bitch. lol. Sorry, H, I don't know what to do. We really need to come up with some solutions though. I will cut the convo short and tell him to get back to me with any ideas he has.

Little does he know, I'll be on a tropical beach surfing and sunning myself over the next week. Happy anniversary to me. Today is one year from the date he officially left. Sigh. I deserve this and I wasn't gonna let our timeshare week go to waste.

Anything you think I need to be mindful of for this convo, please share it with me. I always get nervous.

Happy Saturday all!

Probably my last post for awhile. I'm gonna be on vacation in Hawaii for the next week, and not taking my laptop. Just wanted to post a quick update.

Yesterday, I was busy getting ready to leave today. It wasn't until evening that I decided to make myself available for a quick phone convo with H. I texted him to let him know I was free and he could call if it worked for him. He texted right back telling me he was on a call and that they were gonna be tied up there for awhile, and acted disappointed. I came back to say no worries, maybe another time, that I hoped so, and was all lovey, lol. He came back to reciprocate, thank me, and said we need to catch up. I ended the exchange by being lovey and said k, let's keep in touch. ILYs were shared.

This is so typical of him, but I decided this week to have a little fun with it this time rather than backing away from him and being more distant or dark. I guess it's possible I am wrong about what it is he is doing, but this way I will not be setting myself up for any expectations. This is my doing something different. I'm thinking it may be a way to prove myself wrong if I'm jumping to conclusions. Before, I would've thought this would be putting pressure on him. At this point in my sitch, that's okay if it does.

This morning it got even funnier, and more typical yet. He could've sent this same text to me last Winter. It was so like Groundhog Day, lol. It was around 8:30am, when he would have likely left work and be on his way "home". He comments how cold it is out, how he is going to be busy today all day, that he'd like to chat some real soon, he'd try me later but if no luck he'll be around Sunday and try me then (he'd most likely be at work is why, lol), till then stay warm, and a "love ya" rather than an ILY this time. I texted back almost about half an hour later to say sounds good, thanks, that I would stay warm and for him to do the same, talk soon, and "love ya too". lol.

Yeah, today will be a cold one for me for sure.... until my plane lands.

My plan is to stay consistent with this latest approach of mine, but not be thinking so much about him. I've given him too much thought lately.

Hope all of you have a great weekend, and a wonderful week. Happy Halloween! Have fun and take care of your beautiful selves. Peace and love, f21

Oooh have fun in Hawaii f21 - haha yeah I don't think you have to worry TOO much about the cold.

You sound so amazingly good right now. Good for you!!

Thanks for stopping, and for the good wishes, Nikki and HS!!!!

I can't believe tomorrow is Friday already. I've been home since Monday morning. What a week.

Hawaii was good. And MUCH needed.

On my way to the airport on the day I was flying out.... financial stress brought on by H.... Only served to make me feel even better about taking the vacation.
The day I got home..... H wants me to sign a Quit Claim for some house he is apparently planning on purchasing. Okay. First I'd heard of it, and I was the one actually trying to get ahold of him.

Huge thanks to Julie, Kim07, and my C! I don't know how I would've gotten through this week and handled it all so well without you. I feel a bit numb, but am doing pretty good.

There was no doubt in my mind the day I was flying out just how much I needed some hope in my life. I'd been struggling more than I realized. I met some nice people, and they probably have no idea the impact they each had on my life at this time. I came home feeling pretty darn good compared to when I left. I have no doubt I can get through this rough time. I am feeling hope for my future again, and I will work on building it back up.

I have had a cold most of the week, so that's not helping. I'm definitely in a fake it till I make it mode but not even trying to fake it very well. I am in one of the most negative places I've been in in a long while. Been feeling like a victim too much... I know it, and I don't like it. But it's not just a bad thing because I sense this is bringing on some much needed change. Maybe I'm simply seeing that this is a depressing situation, rather than trying to be hopeful and positive through it. My goal is to be more positive again, while not necessarily more hopeful about my sitch with H. I'm not feeling he's worthy of my DBing efforts.

I have an appointment with an attorney next week. I told H I will be using that to get more information in order to make a decision on signing that quit claim or not. He is to pay for that appt. One of his latest concerns.... "it's not a divorce lawyer is it??". He just wants me to sign that SO badly, and he knows they will likely advise me not to. According to him his loan is subject to him being married and me signing the QCD... so he asked me to wait until after it goes through before I file if I'm planning on doing that. Assuming I'm going to sign it.

Lots of assumptions on his part. He says he didn't know this would be "such a big deal", thought it'd be no problem. With how anxious he's been and with all the pressuring, it only made me grow more suspicious of his motives. I even had to tell him that via email at the advice of my C, so he would knock it off. Of course he claims that I have nothing to worry about and this is going to help "US" out, not hurt me financially at all, and that he will continue paying the bills here at our house. He already isn't doing that... Hello.

He doesn't know that I know he is most likely still seeing the OW, and he's saying they're broke up and hasn't seen or talked to her in weeks. I also know that he attempted to buy a home in the Summer and that the OW was there with him for that. He said he is going to proceed with this even though my appt with the L isn't until next week because it's crunch time, and he'd told everyone involved that I'd never hold this up. Leaving it on me to make or break it, and be the one to blame for him losing money on the deal and missing out on this opportunity of his if/when it falls through. I made sure to set him straight on that.

Also, H just agreed to go to a mediator (not for divorce, but to talk about this matter with the quit claim and issues around this thing for now). He claims he has a plan around this home purchase and wants me to hear him out, and that he wants to work on our personal stuff too. Of course he will... right after I sign that, right? There are always promises in order to get what he wants, and then he doesn't follow through. I was not willing to talk with him again without a neutral 3rd party present so I'd suggested this. I figure it should only provide more info to help me make my decision(s).

Wow... that was long. Thanks so much for "listening" if you made it through all of it.

Happy Friday!!

Hi f21-

Glad your Hawaii break was good, sometimes it's great to just chill and leave everything behind, even if just for a few days. Hope you get that PMA back where it needs to be, too.

In reading your post, something came to mind - and if I'm missing something, let me know because it's certainly a possiblity. I can't understand why he would need for you to sign a quitclaim on a property HE is purchasing, unless he was using your credit to help get the loan. Or to put it another way, there's no reason he can't go and get a loan and buy a house on his own with you being left completely out of the transaction (from a financial perspective); it would simply mean that the loan, and the property was his and his alone. If he is trying to use you as an "unknowning cosigner," then you'll get the credit liability associated with the loan, but would be signing away any physical claim to the property - a really bad situation for you should the loan default or foreclose. It just seems really fishy. You might dig in further and more specifically as to WHY EXACTLY you would need to sign a quitclaim if this is his purchase and his alone.

Good luck-
Kev

Hi f21 - first and foremost, welcome back, and I'm glad you had such fun on your trip!!!

I am really mad that your H pulled financial crap on you that tarnished it some... seems like you had fun anyway, but sorry to hear he did that.

Kev - I had EXACTLY the same thought on the quit claim issue. Glad you're seeking legal advice on that one, f21.

Happy Friday!!! And make it a great weekend, as always.

Thanks, Kman and Nikki!!!!!

More later, but YES! Exactly.

We are a community property state also.

Nice to know that you, Kman, are thinking the same thing as I am... since I know this is an area you happen to know a little bit about.

Gotta run.

Thanks again!!!!