Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? impossible wife?

morgan: I dont think that I make it difficult for her to back down: I dont sit there gloating.
However, in HER mind, she may think I am. In fact, she has accused me numerous times of being judgemental.
She has a lot of things that she accuses me of, IN HER MIND.
ie: "you did .... just to hurt me".
Of course I didnt. but there's no way I can prove I didnt. So then she holds tightly to that as being "true". ANd then the "fact(in her mind)" that I did that to hurt her, self-generates more negative from her about me.
Me "being judgemental" is one of the negative masks she puts over me, yes. I'd love ideas on how to shatter that mask.

still trying: I havent gone all the way as far as you've said, to agree with her when she goes to extremes. But any time I agree with her that I've done something wrong on smaller things... she seems to just take it as justification that "I'm the bad person".
[which seems to be REALLY important to her: to keep me as "the bad person", which somehow excludes her from being "the bad person". that seems ultimately important to her]

I have apologized out the wazoo on things.. I dont rememeber her ever saying anything along the lines of "well you're not so bad".
The only time she seems to backpedal, would be when I repeat things that she's saying to see if thats what she means, and sometimes, she backs off a little.

But defend ME? that seems like a foreign concept to her. she doesnt defend me to herself, her family, or her friends. just the opposite. She has majorly distorted the truth to everyone about me, to the point where some of her relatives, whom I got along with, now refuse to speak to me.

PS to Sara: unfortunatley, my estranged wife, is totally against counselling, retrouville, or basically anything that either "has counsellors" [she "doesnt believe in psycology", even though she's a teacher and all her teaching methodology is based around psychology], or "has rules for her to follow".

(I guess because having to measure her behaviour against rules, would put her in a position of "being wrong" sometimes, so much be avoided at all costs?)

I feel your frustration about what the WAS and the harm of the denial. My H actually said that he did not see how his affair had any effect on his children. He said that to me, a daughter of an adulterer! he knows from my first hand account from childhood how damaging it was for me to grow up with a man I did not respect and how I had to know there was an elephant in the room even as a teen.

Ugh, but alas we must use mental jujitsu if not for ourselves but for the weak threads of our own marriage. It is just more win win win if we do as Homer says. I have used that technique accept when it comes to the KIDS! I can never agree that what he has done does not effect my KIDS!!!

seriously, if I had a nickle for everything H blamed me for, and for each time he told me kids are resilient, and for each thing he refuses to take responsibility for, I'd be a very, very rich woman.

That is hard. I understand. I believe that my WAW spent years holding back her frustrations and avoiding conflict. Those days are gone. She has an amazingly low tolerance for anything that I do that is not exactly in tune with her wishes. I have found that running around trying to please her and constantly appoligizing satisfies neither of us. So, I have been avoiding her and those kind of conversation. If she starts to rant, I sit there and take it, but usually refrain from responding. I'm hoping that there is a pendulum swinging, and eventually she will level off to some balance between advocating for her self and respecting another’s opinion.

I've been there...totally agreeing, and it doesn nothing more than stoke the fire of the beast an makes it worse.Every sitch is different.