Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? There and Back, #10

I don't know how the sex is with ow. I do know we fit really well in that regard, so to speak. he's very, um, verbal about that fact. of course, he could be the same with her, so who knows.

he called tonight to say goodnight to the kids just after we finished stories. the kids and I were giggling and having a good time when he called, so it must have sounded like a party going on. in fact, he asked what was going on. I was upbeat and happy. he asked if I was okay, I said yes, asked if he was. he said yes, again, asked if I was, did I regret anything. I told him I wished I could have taken off 10 minutes worth of conversation and added 10 minutes to the sex. lol.

anyway, that's that.

ya know what part of my rationalization was during, was remembering someone over on infidelity...I can't think who...who made it as almost a personal challenge to seduce her H away from ow. well, it made sense in the heat of battle, as it were.

I guess it is true what they say that the affair is not about the sex or even the affair partner but rather the wayward person's own self esteem. Morgan, your H hsa real self esteem issues. Don't they all. Do not beat yourself for ML to your own H and father of your children. he is confused and you can ML to him all you want. I WOULDN"T but you are still attracted to him and you two go waaayyy back. He has his reasons for not leaving the OW but if you do not want to share him then you obviously do have a few chips. Why oh why does he have so much access to you unless you want it. Remember we are masochists in these cheeseless tunnels. If ou want him for a sex buddy, by all means go for it. Use him. Do it, otherwise date someone else so that you will not be lonely. I am sure you will not because you will be thinking that no one else can hold a candle but I think he secretly likes the drama he is stirring up. I do not think it is an accident that he mentioned you caling his OW. Doe sthat confirm that they are still together? I would throw up if I saw the disgusting things on my H's cell phone. Can you imagine these young kids nowadays take nudie pics of each other and send them. F$ck them.

mk, maybe I am just a masochist. seriously. I don't think having my h for a f-buddy is a good idea at all, but somehow I also don't see myself out there just finding some random guy to fulfill the needs, so when faced with sex or no sex, sometimes I guess I just opt for sex.

its weird, last saturday night at the db meet, everyone was so appalled when I said H wanted me to look at him the other month when we last did this (the storyland debacle). I wouldn't look at him...couldn't. so this time when he wanted me to look at him, I did. I stared right into his eyes...and wondered what the hell he was thinking, if anything. why does he want me to look at him. why the connection?

I don't know, maybe I should start dating. I wonder about that. I wonder if it would be healthier, honestly. because the last thing I want is a cake-eating H. I do agree, btw, about his self esteem issues. I never would have pegged him for someone with them, but I've been slowly seeing them since this all came out. I think that is part of what it is with her...she attracts guys like flies to honey, and I think it give him an ego boost to be with her. he has a lot of baggage, a father who never wanted him for one. I would think that right there would be huge for someone's self-esteem, whether they realize it or not.

Morgan,

I think I'm the one who said I took it as a personal challenge to seduce my husband back. And guess where he is today? Yep. A good fit is a good thing. Why not be the OW and make her life uneasy? A little lipstick smudge on a shirt collar or worse, on a shirt-tail might catch her eye. I recommend the naughty panties from Frederick's of Hollywood to float his boat in a way that she probably doesn't. Sometimes a marriage does need a little new spice.

Let me preface what I'm going to say by saying that I think it would be a a bad idea to call the OW. Having said that....

OK, maybe I'm crazy... please tell me if you think I am...But I think he wants you to tell her. Why else would he mention it?

The reason I say this is that most men (including me) have a difficult time communicating verbally. We say what we are thinking in jest when, in fact, it's exactly what we want.

I think he misses you, wants you back, and is afraid to make a choice. Just my opinion...

sara, I knew I remembered someone saying that! can I ask you, are you happy he is back? really, truly happy? do you worry about him? trust him? I just don't know. I see such a long road back for us, should we even go that route (which I still highly doubt). I just wonder if I even still want it....would I be happy with him again.

mark, my take on it was he was afraid I would call her...he doesn't want that relationship jeapardized. granted, he didn't say that in august, or whenever the storyland thing was (last time we had sex). I definitely think he is afraid of making a choice either way...me or her. but honestly everything he has shown me has shown me he has chosen her.

either way, i won't call ow. I called her a few times last spring (goes to voice mail, she won't pick up), but that was when I was an emotional wreck and going off on her or essentially telling her he was all hers.

I'll tell you, my curiosity is working overtime on what was on his phone that he didn't want me to see. could be that he simply doesn't want his being with her confirmed or the like. but now my mind is wandering to places it shouldn't. I did tease him at first that was there a lot of gt hearts jc crap that was on it last spring. he said actually, no. but I wonder what is on it...wonder if its crap about me. wonder if its a plan about the future. I suppose it could be a ton of things...including them making their own plans, or having problems. could be anything. so best stop thinking about it I guess.

Yes Morgan, no matter what you think might be on his phone, you are likely to be wrong. There are just too many possibilities - most of them will be benign, but if you are anything like me, you can read all sorts of sh1t into it and make grand stories up to torture yourself with. Let the phone go. Think of it as a normal landline...it is just a piece of technology that helps you make calls. By thinking of it like that it might help stop linking the phone to h as an 'accomplice' in his infidelity. The phone does not have a life of it's own. On its' own, the phone can't confirm or deny what you think he is thinking, it will only throw up more questions than it answers and you won't get straight answers from h.

actually, part of me is tempted to start texting him on it just to drive her crazy. granted, he could show her the texts, but I could throw sexy ones his way so likely he wouldn't.

she and h texted a LOT during their relationship. likely they still do. before I found out about the affair, he texted her in front of me with me never knowing. if he suddenly started texting/getting texts often enough after work hours, I could see how it could bug her. hee.

Hi Mark, this is a distinct possibility adn something that I can see my h doing. However, it just screams 'escaping responsibility' to me and childish behaviour (ie getting Morgan to do his own dirty work). Frankly if what you are saying is true and if I was in Morgan's shoes, I would be mega peeved that he might be using me to tell the OW the bad news and therefore avoiding doing the job himself. Hardly sounds like a basis for an honest, mature relationship.

okay, another thing I am getting irritated about. he had a pair of tennis shoes in his car in a shopping bag...a coach shopping bag. I made a snide comment, asked what he bought from coach. he said they were just his tennies (well, sneakers, he's an east coast boy) and he borrowed the shopping bag from his mom.

but now, in the cold dark night, i am thinking about it...his mom hates coach stuff. she always has. not her style.

ow, on the other hand, likes it.

oh man, yuck. did he get her a new bag or something for their anniversary? bastard.

I suppose it could be one that she had at her place and he just grabbed it. yeah, I'm going to pretend that is it.

about their anniversary, btw, that was one of the things i shot at him when he was bugging me about the guys in my phone. I asked what they did for it, since their one year is this month. he looked at me and said something like this isn't a thing to be celebrated.

I'll admit, that felt nice to hear. but then again, he's a lying bastard, so for all I know they did it up right.

sigh.

okay, enough of the speculation.

watching the game, trying not to bite my nails. need to think of something else.