Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Mixed Signals

Yet Another Update: Did some thinking about the frequency of my sending txt msgs to W. I have decided to only txt her if she initiates contact first. My theory here is rewarding good behavior. I sent her a txt joke yesterday in response to her sending me a joke (a joke that she thought up) the day before. It was the usual playful exchange that has been the norm as of late. Yesterday she forwarded a joke to me via email. That may sound insignificant to most but it was the first email that I had received from her in over a month. My counselor told me that the decision to divorce has to be hers. If I were to force the issue, she would feel threatened and probably say that she wanted the divorce. Time, as they say, is on my side, yes it is.

Thus far I am pleased with the way things are going.
1. We are communicating in a positive way. She is laughing.
2. No mention of divorce.
3. Each interaction we have had has given me the opportunity to demonstrate change (note: demonstrate as in not telling her I have changed. I let her discover that for herself. People are more committed to an idea that they think is their own as opposed to an idea that was suggested to them.).
4. I think I have mastered the "as if" technique. I am telling jokes, laughing and telling funny stories when W and I do talk on the phone. I keep telling myself "neediness is not attractive."

I have to be aware that there is still the real possibility that a divorce may still happen. I say this so as not to set myself up for a bigger fall than need be.

I always welcome any thoughts, comments or advice anyone would care to share.

"Progress, no matter how slight, is still progress."

Women love playful banter and women love a guy who will help bring out their naughty side. And they do have one, sometimes more then us guys. I see no harm in exchanging jokes with her. Great job with your comments to her about the interview.

Nugget,

Thanks for the insight and comments. W txt'd me today telling me she got the job. I called and told her congrats and that I wasn't suprised b/c she really wanted that job and if a person really wants something they get it (ie. they do whatever it takes to accomplish their goal), if not they just wished for it. She thanked me for my "sweet vote of confidence." She ended the call b/c she had just got to her Mom's house. Before she got off the phone she told me that I was "sweet" again. I did get the "byyyyyyee" good-bye (an indicator that she is happy).

I am having a problem with the "sweet" comments. I have a nagging feeling that I am headed straight for the "friend zone" and not the husband zone. My close friends who are familiar with my sitch say the same thing (its getting to the point that I may stop confiding in them as they are constantly negative, or maybe I am too optimistic). This is where it is difficult to not break down and demand an answer as to whether she still wants a divorce. Although difficult, I will not cave to that urge.

How in the heck do I avoid being looked at as a friend (assuming that she looks at me that way)? Go dark? Date other women (as difficult as that would be)? Stay the course? I am lost. Help!

First and foremost you do need to be her friend to build a strong relationship on, but as you already are aware of you do not just want to be another one of her friends in the long run. I have been reading a book lately that discusses exactly what you are faced with. Drop me a email at lovnceal@yahoo.com and I will send you a copy.

Gotta echo Nugget's comments here, in order for the two of you to be a happily married couple again you first have to be friends. Friendship is the foundation that any healthy relationship is built upon. Without it you are just roommates at best.

Honestly it's a concept that I struggled with because for a good while I felt like it was an insult to me and the love I have for my wife. But I finally came around on the idea and realized the truth. I viewed her still as my best friend yet she didn't view me as even a friend. So right now we are working on being friends again and it does feel good. Oh I will warn you though, the unexpected expectations can be rather difficult to deal with. What I mean is as you begin to see some forward movement you'll probably want huge leaps and her to come around and it all be better. Uh it doesn't work that way and don't fall into that trap because it'll end it all faster than you can blink. Luckily she's still around after two failed attempts at restoring friendship. So far the third is going much, much better.

Thanks for the comments / advice. My W was my best friend. I will say that recent interactions have been positive and that is a good sign. I guess that our minds will sometimes create a drama that may not even exist. My mantra is "actions speak louder than words." I have to keep that in the forefront of my mind. I am a patient man, more patient than I would have thought before all of this, but if there was any situation that warranted infinite patience, it is this one. I will not try to push things, I know that could kill any chance of reconciliation. Perhaps becoming great friends will eventually lead to a great marriage. Hey, at least she has not filed for divorce and has not mentioned it either. My cell phone is on her account. Rather than bring the billing issue up again (I had previously told her how we need to create seperate accounts) I simply deposited my half of the bill into her account.

It seems that the potential divorce is the elephant in the room that neither W or I are discussing. No news is good news, right?

Absolutely and this is a positive that you need to always keep in mind.




Now the wrong attitude to take, it's defeatist at the least. Sure there is the potential for divorce but look at the above statement, there's also the potential for reconciliation. So focus you energies on the positives!

Catfan, thanks for your input. Friends and family have told me that I am very patient. Normally, that is not the case. They all state that I should file for D and "get on with living my life." To that, I simply reply, I AM living my life (for the first time in awhile). I am not at home sitting by the phone eagerly anticipating a call from her. I am out and about. That is not to mean at bars chasing women, but rather doing things that make me happy (fishing, visiting grandfather, martial arts, ect.) I also reply that if I am will to have patience during this, the bad times, imagine how good the good times must have been for me to have this patience.

Sometimes I wonder if she is too scared to pull the trigger on the D. Keep in mind that we have already signed the papers over a month ago but they have not been filed. I spoke with W's mom (on an unrelated issue, really!) and she told me that when she asks W about us, W replies that we are communicating. That sounds like a negative reading it, but it is really a positive, trust me. She offered her sympathy to me for my sitch. I replied that I am doing great and whatever is going to happen is going to happen and I will be OK (I was well aware that anything I said would get back to W). She invited me to stop by and see her and her husband. I was happy to know that at least W has not been running me down to them b/c if she had, MIL would not be friendly to me (they are an extremely tight family). Anywho, I have decided to not initiate contact w/ W until she does so first. Gotta maintain that air of mystery, right? Hope I can overcome the urge to txt her. Wish me luck. To be continued....

Update: Went by W house after church and OM answered the door. W came out but I said that I did not know that she had company and I would talk to her later. I was devestated and shocked, but I did not make a scene. In the past I would have hurt OM, badly. I was proud that I was able to leave without incident, although I shattered my windshield with my fist (dumb). W called me to explain that it was not what it looked like. OM was a friend of her girlfriend who had left prior to my arrival. I am glad I kept my cool as it would have only strengthend her resolve to get a D. MIL told me that W stated that she doubts that she could ever find anyone who loved her as much as I did and she did not want to be on the dating scene again. Not sure what to make of these statements.

After running some errands I went back to W house. We chit chatted about 30 - 45 minutes. Nothing serious, joking and small talk. I had her laughing and I enjoyed myself. She told me I looked tan and that she thought I looked 'fine'. I left before overstaying my welcome.

I am so confused. I know that W could be lying about OM. If she is, all bets are off and I will file for D yesterday. Others here may disagree but that is something that attacks my very manhood. D papers have been signed for over a month yet there has been no talk of filing them although I have told her that if she wants it, lets get it over with. There also has been no talk of getting back together either. I know that this process is a marathon and not a sprint. Its just that I am growing tired of this 'not knowing'. Is she seeing whats out there and if she cannot find anything better, come back to me? I have no idea what I should do next. I am seriously considering filing the D papers myself and at least I will know. I am not sure how much longer I can take this.....

Why would you do that, say all bets are off? If there is another man it does not mean the marriage is over. You said yourself that you may date other people. I think dating other people for you would definitely show her you are more than friend material. I should speak because I do not have the nerve to date but I know that it does bust divorces big time. She would come running the moment she hears another person is at dinner with you and laughing at jokes that she should be laughing at!!!

Never ever strike anything in anger. That could be seen as violent aggression in court. Don't snoop or go over there if you think she has another man there even as friends. See her when it is more private. You do not want to share her. rememberyou are both beginners again.