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Good point Login! Sometimes that works better for some situations. It's probably best to try both ways; space or no space (without being overly affectionate), and see how it works. I know with my husband, if I pull away affection he'll just keep going. It won't bring him closer. Also, I'm very affectionate by nature. I'm affectionate to my kids, pets, family members and close friends... so it's unnatural for me not to show affection. However, my husband naturally seems to pull away from that. So I can't take it personal.

But every person and every situation is different so looking carefully at the relationship, how a spouse might be reacting, and also not taking it personal if they aren't touchy-feely can sometimes be helpful.

Hey Cat--just dropping by to say hey--I hope your day is going well.

it is going that';s what counts, he he

thanks for checking on me, things alright, had 2 mini arguments with H, but at least we dont' reach toxic levels anymore and dont' end up angry when the night is over.

I know you are going to scold me, but here it goes: found a chat room and few people to chat with, was IMing with this guy last night, made me laugh and had a good time. We are not planning to meet nor to say much about our real lives, we are just cracking jokes, and it felt good to talk to someone else instead of checking my phone for a txt from H that sometimes never comes.

Not looking for an EA in anyways, and if it comes down to it ( i doubt it) I will tell him i'm M and have no interest on persuing something else.

Cat,
Loafing over to see whats transpiring in the feline world. One thing I used to believe but now more than ever is that life is colored by perspective. If you have a healthy perspective, then life will be sprayed with bright, robust colors. If you have a bad perspective it will be sprayed with hues of whites and greys.
You have been carrying a good perspective and for your "Im" chats I wouldnt be the one to throw 2x4's or anything. Everyone needs nourishment and as long as you dont "over indulge" or grasp for the bad foods then all should be...shall I say beneficial.
I hope you dont mind but I am taking a siphon tube out and siphoning a little of your non toxic mini arguments for future reference.
That's all this insipid little one has to say but hope your dircetion stays the course it should,....the right one...peace

hey big W, thanks for coming over, I'm sort of floating away for a while, and yes, the chat is like a small piece of candy to have here and there, my M is the main meal and once I actually have my H at least sharing the same bedroom (2.5mths and counting) I wont feel the need for it.

Thank heaves I'm learing to keep my mouth shut and not try to win an argument, I understand that as much as I'd like, he is going to have his own take on things and I can't always agree with that.

Hey Cat,
you sound kind of positive to me. I hope I'm right. I certainly can't chastise you about your "candy", as I had mine, and a bigger piece. I think it helps emotionally and spiritually. We need to keep our spirits up during this test.

So your learning something? Like how to let an argumument go without the need to win? That's a good lesson.

Good to hear about the non-toxic arguments.

Thinking of you, wishing you the best.

thanks LN, my H is learning little by little to express himself without being defensive, and I think it is a plus that later he always is the one to talk to me again after we argue.
Off to make an @ss of myself (shiny costume is waiting for me), we are going to a halloween party tomorrow night, was able to farm off the kids to a good friend who'll have them sleep over so we dont' have to hurry home like last year, we are both looking forward to it.

Keeping you in my prayers LN, thanks for stopping by

Cat,
Shiny costumes rock! In all forms all shapes. I have always meant to ask you cat.....how old are your children? I am looking forward to taking the little one out on Halloween for his second time! Carousing the neighborhood as Batman jr. He loves it so much He has been demanding to sleep in the costume every night. I hope your party goes well and you "bob" for apples and pockets of pleasure! peace

LoL,thanks w, planning to have a blast. My kids are 9 and 4, so they are counting the hrs, yes, my little d also likes to wear her costume at home, he he, I get a kick out of it.

well,I did it again, spill my heart to H, the full load, like dumping a pile of rocks over a spider web...

Won't go over every detail, but the gist of it is that H is still in the negative (numbers) as far as healing himself and the outlook he has about our M. About us not even sharing the same bedroom, he's afraid that if he "gives in" (give affection which to begin with isnt ready to give either) it will lead to not fixing our issues and that nothing would get solved. That we argue and that by not sleeping together we will argue less (*sigh*). For the record we don't argue all that, there are weeks where we don't have a problem at all or if we do is a small one.

He still needs to learn to voice what bothers him before it becomes unbearable.
And of course I said a few things I had in me, I have this naive idea that being totally honest about my fears and thoughts will help, well, it isn't always a good idea. He admitted he did not want me to hold things in but that some stuff I said act as a double edge sword. It did hurt when he said he felt there was a huge gap between us and that he has no idea at all how to fix it.

We still ended up the talk in a non-negative way, not mad nor yelling at each other as it would've happen years ago. In the morn we both admitted feeling bad about some things said and we hugged.

Our road to a "medium" size reconciliation is a long way, I need to outfit myself for that. I was thinking this morn "what if it were a physical problem, like an accident, I would be there for the long haul.. he has a psychological problem, which is as damaging if not more, I need to be there for him for the long haul as well."

Well, that's my drama for the month, I'm still going to write my 5 blessings per day, to keep myself sane and be his safe landing, because right now I'm nowhere near being that, he's too afraid of being vulnerable again by giving of himself to me.