Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy This is under newcomers - urgent - Part 2

GISH,
I hate to say it, but I don't think you have any say in it. You can tell her no, and she will do it any way. It doesn't mean that you approve of it or accept it. Don't tell her to have a good time, don't say anything to her. Try to be gone when she goes out and it will make it easier on you.

Just give things time and see how much you are willing to put up with to save your marriage. I know it's hard. Through all of this I've prayed for guidance, strength, calmness, and patience. I'm not saying being a doormat, but just think things out before you act.

GISH,

Your wife is in MLC!!!! Go to the MLC board and start reading about it.

There is NOTHING you can do. You can't stop her. Think of her as a 16-year-old-kid. The more you try to fight it, the more she will rebel. And if you try to explain MLC to her she'll adamently deny she's in it and call YOU crazy.

Should you worry about this weekend???? If you want. I doubt it will make a difference.

Did your wife lie to you about wanting to come back? NO... she did think she wanted to come back at that time.... but she's in MLC and she's not finished with it yet.

NO NO NO NO! Stay out of the MLC forum. Nothing to be gained there unless enabling is on the menu. Going hasn't even found himself yet.

GISH You got to calm down. You cannot control her. All you can do is control you. You cannot stop her going - the more you try the more determined she will be to go.

I personally don't think it matters which of the forums you go in. You got to sort yourself out. I don't believe your wife is a hardened MLCer - but I do believe you have got to learn to get some balls. That doesn't mean being nasty or horrid - I mean find YOU. Somewhere along this M you dissapeared into we. Your W is finding herself - to survive - and give you M any chance of survival you have got to do the same. Please.

Saffie

Thanks Saffie,
I know I can't stop her from going or control her. It's just like being in a torture chamber. She is flipping back and forth like crazy now. First she is going away Saturday and then she says she is not going. So at this point I still don't know if she is going away for the night or not? I guess I will just have to stay out of it and see what happens. Is it just me or would anyone else here be extremely jealous of their wife staying overnight at someone's house with 5 or 6 guys and she is the ONLY women there. And she's only known these people for about 4-5 months.

Admittedly, I would have issues with it. One thing I've learned about myself is that if I sit and imagine the worst, I'll go nuts.

Are you on good enough terms with your wife to explain how you feel about her plans and that for your own peace of mind, ask her to come up with an alternative? Is there anyone else that could fill in as your voice of reason (I imagine it would need to be someone that SHE has told of the plans)?

I'm far too new at this, I'm afraid, to give any sound advice. This is such a delicate situation.

Does anyone else here have any thoughts on this (and please, don't be afraid to contradict my ideas!!)

Really? Enabling? I found that reading up on MLC helped me understand why my husband was acting so strange... so I could stop trying to control the situation, stop taking it personal, and let him go... and do my own thing. (I also got hit with a lot of 2x4s there!).

I do agree with you that Gish needs to go find himself. Gish that is definitely the most important thing you can do. Quit focusing on your W.

Yes, that seems inappropriate to me, and I don't think most people would be comfortable with it.... even if there were other women there. Although there's just as good a chance things would get crazy even if there were other women involved. Maybe even more so....

On the other hand, why would a woman want to hang out with a group of guys? All they are probably going to talk about is work and sports. Ugh!

She told me tonight that she is definately going tommorow night.
She knows I am upset about it but doesn't care at this point. She really thinks it is no big deal to go out drinking and partying with 6 single guys and then crash at one of their houses. It blows my mind that she sees no harm in it. To me that's 6 chances to end up "hooking" up with someone else right after she told off the OM and wants nothing to do with him. In fact he is jealous when she told him she was going out and then had the guys at work give him a hard time for harrassing her about going out with them. WHERE THE f%^$ is the women I married 22 yrs ago? I do NOT look forward to tommorow night and I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I know I should not concern myself but I will be consumed wondering if anything sexual happened with anyone. I really can't take much more of this.

Going,
I'm replying because my H did something similar to me a couple weeks ago. It was not a party full of women, it was just a party he goes to every year. A big bash. I tried to get myself invited but he would not even consider it. Bottom line, the only recourse I had was to live with it. He knew how I felt. I was hurt that he didn't want to be with me. I know I should not have pushed as much as I did to get myself invited. I was pursuing.

In the end, I did the only thing I could do ... had a party of my own. It wasn't anything big. My sisters, great food, good wine. We had fun. It was better than sitting at home alone wondering what the F he was doing (or if OW was there).

He asked a lot of questions about it when he got home. Saw the leftover food, etc. I acted as if and told him all about the good time we had.

My H can be very independent. There is nothing I can do about it when he makes his plans ... except act as if and GAL. But it's hard as h#ll! Inside it hurts like h#ll, too.

MAKE YOUR OWN PLANS! Don't sit home alone. In the end, I was in a much better place being with, and partying with, my sisters. Do something, keep yourself busy somehow.

Joie

(p.s. We also watched a hilarious movie, which helped ... Wild Hogs.)