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You know what to do. Make a question and dialogue about it.

I hope you have managed to get rid of your headache.

He seems to be trying to fill some sort of void - maybe try dialogue about that if you don't want to get specific about this woman. could talk about this being a vulnerable time etc and worrying that one could easily get attracted elsewhere.

About the bikes... It's good to have things to look forward to and dream about. I hear you loud and clear about the finances and prioritising but perhaps you could say to your H that you need a long term plan so he feels that in the grand scheme of things you will both be working towards the goal of getting the bikes. I enjoy talking to my H about plans for the future...in some ways it's more exciting in the looking forward stage than it is in the 'having' stage.We also talk about when the kids leave home and retirement etc...it makes me feel there is a future together. When he was having his A we had stopped talking about things like that. We seemed to stop all meaningful dialogue.

Someone once said to me that happiness is not having what you want but wanting what you have. I know that's not happpiness in it's entirity but not wanting what you have is quite hard. Mind you can still want what you have and more......LOL

Saffie

Thanks all,

Its very hard, because this women I know he can't see as she is far away, but you know i am sure she is looking for something to, as her h works away from home for long periods of time.
There has been nothing to bad in the conversation, but it is just how involved in talking to each other that bothers me, saying goodnight to each other every night, and talking through out the day, its just not right.
I can't continue to do this, I had a pretty good melt down yesterday, I just feel so much that everything is on top of me, and no area of my life has a settled, calm feeling, I worry all the time, and usually I am not a worrier.
My H is being super nice to me, and says that he wouldn't be doing all the retro thing if he didn't want the marriage, I truly don't believe he sees what he is doing as wrong.

That's not the point, limbo. The point is that you don't want him to contact her and that should be reason enough. If it was turned the other way around and you were contacting OM and your H asked you to stop......that would be reason enough. He should see it that way....and if he doesn't....then that should tell you all you need to know. If he doesn't truly know the harm in it...then ask him how he would feel if it was the other way around. If he says he would not mind it if you had a male friend, then I think I would be tempted to tell him that if that was the case, I could find one. No.....on second thought, don't do that.

I find it hard to believe that the man truly doesn't see the harm in it after you nearly broke up over an A! It sounds like a lame excuse to me. Anybody that is married should have enough sense to know that it is wrong to have "friends" that are of the opposite sex and expecially when the S is not included in that friendship. I wonder if the OM's H knows about their friendship. That is the red flag right there! When the S is not included or even knows about the "friend".....then I would get suspicious real quick! I know I'm old fashion.....but human nature hasn't changed. You better take it as a warning, IHMO, that he is up to his old tricks.

I wonder if he is having a MLC. The bike is what made me wonder. Forty something.....women....now a bike! Is there other things that might indicate he is having a MLC? Maybe you told us at the beginning of your thread, if so, sorry that I can't remember. I should have looked back first.

I sure hate it sweetie, but you should not have to put up with this. Have you thought about contacting the woman yourself? Maybe she would let you know how she feels toward your H and if it is just friendship or not.

Hi all,

Well it certainly was an intresting night!!

When H got home I talked to him about these conversations he had been having with this old friend. Especially when I looked when I got home and in it, he is now trying to move her to another email, and she is telling him that she feels like they can really talk, and she can tell him anything.
I tell him this is really worrying me, as its just not appropriate, he get really angry says he has done nothing wrong, just catching up with a friend after 20 years.
We go around on his for awhile, and he says its over once he finds some place else to live he is leaving.
So I tell him that is his choice, and decide I want to go for a drive, which I do and tell him, I call home while I am out, only after about 20mins or so, and he has gone, tells my D he is leaving and doesn't care where I am, while I am on the phone with d my Mum calls screaming at me, because D has called her and told her its happening again.
I try calling h, to no avail, I go home and try h again, this time he answers and says he is coming home.
We go around this again, he doesn't see what he did wrong, and wount cut himself off from friends, he has done nothing wrong, and is not sending this women any thing inappropriate, and he makes sure he doesn't word things in ways that could be considered in appropriate.
He says he wants to stay, we leave it at that for awhile, and I call my Mum as I had yelled at her pretty good, because she basically was saying it was all my fault.
So she tells me D tells her that everyone is trying to please me and I just keep yelling and screaming at everyone.
So I call h out and say I think I should leave, I am screwing the kids up, and nothing he does is good enough for me, its obvious, he tells me he doesn't want me to go.
But we keep coming back to the same thing, and he wount give up friends.
So here we are this morning, still basically the same, we did hold hands a couple of times in bed but nothing more...
This morning I told H I don't think we should get matching tattoos yet, we are supposed to go tomorrow, he wasn't happy.
So I sent an email, and said that I am sorry for everything that has happened, and that I hope we can work this out to something we are both happy with, emailed back and said that he knows we can and we should still get that tats as it shows our bonds.

So what do I do, what does this mean?!!

You don't get tattoos with names on!!!

I don't think you can tell him not to contact someone - that's like showing a red rag to a bull - but I do think you can ask him why he has a need to be in contact with this woman? Explore the subject that way and see what his reply is. If he has this need to talk to others then why? What is not satisfying him enough that you don't fill that gap for him. maybe he is just really sociable. My H wouldn't be that friendly with another woman unless something was going on - I know that - but not all men are the same. Maybe he is frightened of getting older and not being attractive to women anymore, maybe if she is an old friend she reminds him of when he was young and that makes him feel nice. If he isn't wanting any R with this woman and cares about your M then he should be willing to explore these issues.

It might also be worth telling him - if he doesn't know - how many M's are ruined by Friends Reunited and that there are sites out there that are designed to help people split others up so that they can get with them again, (old flames etc), which is why this sort of thing is quite frightening.

saffie

Thanks Saff

My H always had other women as friends,and I never had a problem with it, I had men friends, this is why I didn't flag to the ow, he had told me a few times he went out to lunch with her, it never bothered me because he had always done things like that.
And even now I wount have a problem with this, however it just is going beyond norms in my book, they talk all day everyday, and have seemed to done this since they got in touch again a couple of weeks ago. And with the way that things are you would think he would realize this just isn't appropriate.
Maybe I am blowing this out of proportion, but it just doesn't sit right.
I did ask him if I wasn't giving him something he needed and he said no.

Have you tried asking him what talking to her does make him feel? why he particularly likes talking to her? Does it remind him of his youth?

It would be interesting to know why he likes talking to her, and why SO much. You could say to him that you are confused as to why you feel it inappropriate but you do. Try exploring this issue as an exercise in observing/ exploring feelings as opposed to accusing one another. A bit like a debate.

saffie

I would go back to the "If the situation were reverse..." If you had the A and now were back trying to make it work AND talking everyday with another OM what how would he feel. Tell him how this makes you feel in light of all that has happened...

So sorry you are here - you have come so far to take two steps backwards right???!!!! Keep the faith - sometimes these things happen for a reason...

Try and have a happy Tuesday!

HB

Thank you both!!

I will try both of the your suggestions, its just really hard, I truly don't know what to do for the best.
I feel like this is going to be the breaking of the marriage, he is so set in not giving up friends, which is not what I am asking.
By the way, the tat we were supposed to get is called a celtic love knot.