Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done Divorced but CANNOT "move on": Urgent Help Needed!

Exactly. Very well put. I wish I had been so clear and succinct.

Can you do what you wrote? I know it's hard....getting started is the most difficult part. If you start doing things on your own or with friends, it gets easier.

I hope I can do it. I know it's time for changes in myself, but I still seem to be "stuck in place". Because I am so analytical, I'm still obsessing about the 'how', 'when' and 'why' of my blunders of the past few years. I have a pretty long list of my mistakes, but I just can't understand how any--or all--of them should have been egregious enough to force my XW to walk out.

I know, none of that matters anymore; it's all water under the bridge.

I have to begin blazing a new trail now. Although I'm unfamiliar with it, I know it leads to a beautiful destination. So, I must be willing to hike it alone in hopes that others will eventually follow and join me.

Heh. I have this exact same problem. (Must be some sort IT personality trait, lol.)

I had to think a minute on why I felt you were coming across hostile. I believe it was your arguing point-by-point about how your actions were misinterpreted. (Incidentally, I used to do this, to...) Anyway, not sure what my point is, but I wonder if your XW occasionally has the same kind of incorrect assumptions? In which case, perhaps you could approach these types of conversations differently? No real point...just thinking out loud...

Wow, I would have been terrified to go in that house, let alone in the bathroom again. (Obviously you weren't comfortable either!) Just the thought of having that restraining order hanging around...ugh... Is there any way she could bring your son to your place when he has homework trouble? Or some other sort of neutral arrangement?

And yes, I agree, she was seeing if you were still interested. I'd say you got her attention--which means continue to stay reserved.

Hi Azhira.

From your comments, I think we may have several personality traits in common (too bad for you ). I also have noticed that many of the better IT workers tend toward ratiocination. (That's why many of us carry the title, "Analyst".)

I attended college on a debate scholarship. I have always enjoyed the verbal jousting of a spirited discussion. The word "argument" holds no negative connotations for me. Debate is an intellectual exercise on a par with chess.

My XW does not share my appreciation for the fine art of rational discourse -- which is absolutely fine; many people don't. Most women I have known prefer to talk about how they feel about something, rather than what they think about it. (You are evidently an exception to that broad generalization.)

Anyway, early in our R, I frequently (but unintentionally) antagonized my XW by failing to recognize that I had pushed her too far. What began as a friendly conversation often ended as an emotional "fight". I remember her telling me that, "Just because you may be more articulate than I am does not make you right." At that, I would laugh good-naturedly, to show that I had no animosity toward her. She tended to misinterpret my laughter as condescension, which often only made her furious.

I finally decided that I would rather "lose" an argument than sleep on the couch.


Yes, but I'm not sure that it would be any better for my kids. The Family Court Judge's "final" ruling on my XW's temporary restraining order surprised me--especially considering how much I paid my "highly-recommended" lawyer to represent my interests. He removed the supervised visitation provision, but left in place the restrictions preventing me from having any contact with my XW. (My attorney's spin on this is that the judge did not believe my XW's assertions that I represent a threat to her or the kids. On the other hand, he granted her wish to be protected from any potential coercion or harassment from me.)

I am prohibited from initiating any contact with my XW. That includes making any personal appearances at her house. The judge's order actually stipulates that all transfer of children must take place at a particular sheriff's department precinct HQ. So, to follow his ruling to the letter, I can't pick my kids up from school or from my parents' or in-laws' home or even from church. Neither can I deliver them to my XW at any of those locations. The rationale, according to my overpaid attorney, is that the judge was protecting me from potential false charges from my XW by ensuring that all interactions between us occurs in a well-lighted location with uniformed law enforcement personnel present, 24/7.

This plan is a logistical nightmare. Besides, there is a 24/7 parade of criminal suspects being booked and incarcerated at our official rendezvous point. You can imagine the scene: bleeding, loud, cursing drunks, prostitutes and meth-heads stumbling into & out of police cars. (Think "Cops" uncensored.)

Any suggestions?

Please pardon my long note below. I know you folks have enough to do, without slogging through all my ramblings...


Ellie, I'm not very happy with myself right now.

My XW had called me three times yesterday. She wanted me to know that she has been immobilized by a week-long migraine. Our 17 year-old daughter is also in a lot of pain, apparently resulting from an ovarian cyst or some other urological problem. Because my XW can't drive with a migraine, she had not taken our S12 to school yesterday.

Last night, my XW called to request that I come help our S12 with a research paper. His rough draft was due today, and he needed help organizing, editing, and printing it. (XW is not at all computer-savvy, even without a migraine.)

Despite my failures and shortcomings as a husband, I try to be the best father I can be. I have never missed a single dance recital, awards ceremony or Little League game over the past 18 years. I have always tried to make myself available to help with homework and school projects, as needed. (This commitment began when my wife started grad school 14 years ago. I wrote many of her papers and curricula for her M.S. in Education. She was very appreciative back then; even joking that she should add my name beneath hers on her diploma.)

So, last night I drove the 20 miles (one way) to her house. While I'm there, I usually try to make myself as useful as possible. That used to include a long list of general maintenance and home-improvement tasks (when I was still welcome as a "live-in" ex-husband, prior to August of this year). Now, my visits are short, so my tasks are more limited in scope.

Anyway, our D17 brought my XW's cellphone for me to repair, explaining that its battery would no longer hold a charge. During the process of cleaning the brass contact plates and testing the integrity of the battery, I powered the phone on, with the sincere intention of checking its rated charging voltage.

Well, that phone in my hand was as dangerous as a fifth of Jack Daniels in the trembling hands of a struggling alcoholic. After determining that the phone was now charging correctly, I gave in to the temptation to "snoop". I scanned the numbers of her incoming and outgoing voice calls, noting several from a new guy with a local cell phone prefix.

Then, I checked her incoming and outgoing text messages. That's when I felt the wind knocked out of me. I literally couldn't catch my breath as I read the words my XW had sent to two men she is dating. "Tony" is her newest squeeze. "John" (who lives about 90 miles away) is the attorney she spent a long weekend with only 3 weeks after he responded to her online dating profile (in which, incidentally, she described her "perfect match" as a "Christian gentleman with a clean lifestyle").

I had been under the impression that XW had cooled her feelings toward "John". But, according to her text messages, "Tony" had expressed his disappointment that my XW had made plans to visit "John" again. He had written that he ("Tony") must have misinterpreted their relationship, and that he apologized for assuming that she liked him ("Tony") as something more than a "buddy".

XW had also sent several brief but romantic notes to "John", including the dreaded "ILY". (More than two years have passed since I last heard those words from her.) I noted that most of the notes had been sent or received in the wee hours of the morning. That's significant to me because my XW is notorious for her farmer's sleeping hours. She is in bed by no later than 9:30 virtually every night. It's rare for her to stay awake all the way through a late movie.

The volume of messages she sent these two OM was significant to me too, because I had never been able to elicit a response from her to my text messages--even "back in the day" when we were still married. She insisted that she despised having to use the awkward numeric keypads to type long text strings. I guess she must have learned to deal with those limitations long enough to make her feelings known to her new beau.

So, here's my question: How do I handle the situation the next time she calls for my help? [At least she is astute enough to no longer make an appeal to my loyalty to her. Just a few weeks ago, she knew that all she had to do was ask, and I would bring her a take-out order from her favorite Mexican restaurant; or I would call in a prescription refill, pick it up, pay for it, and deliver it to her bedside.]

I don't want to be taken advantage of, but I still feel an obligation to help when my children have a legitimate need for assistance.

P.S., Right after I discovered her love notes, I returned the phone to its charger, turned the lights off, and promptly left without a word to anyone. More than an hour later, my XW called my cellphone (which I ignored). She called again a few minutes later, and left a voice message. She sounded surprised and a little annoyed that I had left without telling anyone "good-bye", and without helping S12 complete his rough draft.

Within the past half-hour, my phone rang again, this time with my D17's number in the caller ID. I should have known better. It was my XW, asking about my mysterious departure. I told her the truth: that I had snooped by reading the text messages on her cell phone. I was very calm. Even though I had been hurt (again), I actually apologized to her. I told her she did not owe me any explanation whatsoever; that she was entitled to date anyone she chooses, without any guilt or defensiveness.

Her reply was one of denial. She said that I must have read our daughter's messages to one of her several boyfriends. She (XW) even claimed that "John" didn't own a cellphone. (If that's true, I don't know what to believe about what I saw. D17 has her own newer phone, with a full alphanumeric folding keyboard; so, I don't know why she would have used XW's archaic vanilla phone.)

Although I was caught off-guard, I knew better than to react like I did that fateful night in her bedroom last month. Then, I was emotional, accusatory, judgmental, and full of righteous indignation. Tonight, I was a calm, cool, polite gentleman. I expressed my sympathy for her marathon migraine, then wished her a good night. Instead of anger, she was speechless! She whispered "good night" and then hung up. I detected a touch of sadness in her voice. What's up with that?

Deadman,
Sorry about your discoveries, I know it feels like another kick in the gut BUT your W is no loner yours and she will see who she chooses, you must accept this. If you feel because of your discoveries that you want to stop being the person you were before towards her then you are punishing her and being vengeful, understandably. Where you only doing the things you were doing previously to win her back? I would continue to do what you have been doing if you feel that is what a good person would do, regardless of her dating activities. Now, if you feel that it would be helpful to the sitch to change your strategy then it is appropriate to do so BUt don't change due to a need to inflict some kind of pain, punishment or revenge...it's not the way to go! Again, I understand and know how much all this must hurt. Take care of you right now!

I can understand why you snooped. It was probably just too big of a temptation. Read what you wrote about your path just a couple days ago. That's still your route. You focus on your own personal improvements regardless of the dating habits of your XW.

I check this site every once in a while. I happened to see Just Me's post and read a bit. I'm the other half of Just Me.

I certainly appreciated all that Just did for me while we were apart. He was easier to talk to and be with than when we were married. We'd both agree on that. I was the one who left. Everyone kind of blames it on a person or that a walk away spouse left for someone else but that's not always the case. I was talking to someone online and was in love with that person who never revealed their identity to me. In other words, I was duped pretty good but I bought it so I guess, in essence, I duped myself. Regardless, Just's kindness and work on his own life spoke often to me. The thing was, I wasn't willing to give him much of a chance because I was hung up on someone else. After I let that go, I was able to try again with him. I'm not sure if he could have done much by way of getting me back except for the things that he did do. It wasn't until I was ready that I could actually try to make it work with him. I'm by no means saying I'm a great catch and it was all up to me and I'm all that. I am saying that I couldn't see anything with him until I
let go of whomever. It was something I wanted to do for a lot of different reasons.

I think that you are doing the right thing by being there as best you can be without being walked on or used or whatever. I was skeptical of any "improvements" he was making in and for himself because I thought it might be a tactic to bring me back only for it to be the same all over again.

I will say what I thought of any Divorcebusting advice to start dating while separated. To me, it meant that I didn't mean much to him and only confirmed those notions that I had before I left.

Indigo6,

Are you reading this......?

I love you.

Me

okay -
I know how it hurts to read that junk when you snoop. BUT - there may actually be a (tiny) silver lining to this cloud. The silver lining is that she didn't want you to know those were her texts.

If she were 100% gone, she'd be more likely to express anger at you and say it was none of your business who she talked to. Instead, she seems to want to cover her tracks - most likely to keep her options open with you.

Now - what to do next? I would:
A) Avoid talking about the cellphone again. Steer away from that conversation, or if she insists on bringing it up, just say you really don't care to talk about it right now.

B) Go a little bit dark. Not in a mean or pouting or punitive way; just enough to let her worry a little about losing you. Don't answer your phone much. Be "busy" more often. If she ropes you in to help S12 with his homework again, go to a library or coffee house to work with him. If she asks where you've been, just make up something you have been "busy" with.

Ellie