Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? There and Back, # 9

I'm so proud of you Morgan. You are handling this as well as I knew you would. Just keep being that light house. You will stand strong even if the storm does come.

I will be keeping you in my thoughts, sending supporting energy. Now who's not making sense?

You can do this. Its hard, but you have done so much all summer and fall. Its hard to tackle, but you have the right attitude. If tears come, let them fall. I am thinking of you today.

Morgan,

May you have a happy 10th anniversary day.

May this day be as a birthday to you; may it be filled with joy and peace for you, as recompense for your efforts to sustain your marriage over the past 10 years.
Whether your husband chooses to recognize that, doesnt matter.

We recognize it.

Have a wonderful day

hey all,

thanks so much for the support. I'm doing okay so far. cried a little this morning while the kids were at school, reflected a little, vegged a little, moped a little. went to cvs and almost bought H one of the stupid "troubled relationship" cards that hallmark now puts out, but thought better of it and put it back.

took the kids out to lunch then off to a pretty park for a bit of running around/reflecting. we just got home and I'm doing pretty well overall. doesn't mean I won't fall apart a bit tonight, I most likley will, but really, am doing okay. better than I expected.

I have to say it must have been very weird for my in-laws. they are card people...they don't just send one card for an occasion, they send a few of them. must have been weird for them not getting them for our anniversary this year. I know our separation has been hard on them in general. and I'll tell you, it was weird getting the mail today with nothing in it. trust me, I didn't expect anything, just weird.

I have a feeling next year will be much easier. hopefully by then I will be nicely detached. a friend of mine recently told me he finds himself glancing back occasionally, not staring backwards. I like that. moving toward that.

for the first time since we were married, I did not watch our wedding video/look at our album on this day. and ya know what, I'm fine with that. I looked at them a month ago or therabouts, gave them kind of a last farewell, and tucked them away. wasn't sure if I would feel like pulling them out today after all, but I don't.

thanks for being there, guys. it really does help.

Morgan -

I am sorry you are going through this. BTDT. I ended up getting my wife a small gift for our anniversary in Sept. She told me to take it back to the store.

We all deserve better.

Try to stay busy, and vent here if you need to!! We will listen, and we care about you!

thanks, mark.

I remember your present for your wife. didn't realize she told you to take it back. wow, what a jerk. but you tried. at least you tried. you have been such a rock, I really admire all that you have done to try to save your marriage. you are yet another man who reassures me that not all men are lying, cheating, jerks.

I looked at anniversary cards after we talked about it over on your own thread last month and wow, hard to look at all the cards about love and support and such, knowing how my marriage turned out. that's when I found the "troubled relationship" cards. that makes me sad, that there are so many situations out there like ours that hallmark has a category for it.

(holy crap, phone just started ringing and the caller id is singing that my sister is calling. wow. wtf.

I have 2 sisters...one, who was the first person I called when I found out H was having an affair. she has seen me thru a lot, been there in ways that were so supportive I don't know what I would have done without her. my other sister I told about a month later...she's very judgemental, wasn't sure I wanted anyone to know about H's affair at that point, etc. anyway, after spending the summer calling her and trying to just be friendly, and getting nothing in response...I'm talking one word answers to anything I asked about her life, no iquiries even as to my kids and what they were up to, I finally decided to just stop calling. this has nothing to do with the affair, or me telling my younger sister first, its been a pretty rocky relationship since my parents brought me home from the hospital as an infant...she never quite recovered lsing her only child status. anyway, its been about 2 months and I have never heard from her, and wow, she just called.

no, I didn't pick up. didn't feel like it. don't really feel like talking to anyone I know irl today, to be honest. just enjoying hanging out with my kids).

but I digress....just got back from a looooong walk with the kids. I live in a huge neighborhood and we walked all over admiring all the fall/halloween decorations. was fun. again, seems like keeping busy and spending time with my kids is what is really helping me today. I'm still doing good.

2 hours till H gets here. definitely heading out to run some errands...target hasn't seen me in a while, I hear it calling. always something needed there. and will keep me out of h's way.

I'd just like to not completely break down in front of him tonight. that's my goal. if I feel like I'm going to, I'm going to try to remember Care using the, "I need x right now" and hope that helps both diffuse my emotions and whatever is going on.

I will be open to anything he has to say. and I'll try to accept the fact that that might be nothing at all. it will hurt either way.

Morgan,

I've been quietly following you sitch for a while, but could resist giving support on this one. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It's a particularly hard day to remain strong. I hope that you can avoid him when he gets home. I'm nine months into my separation and when my 16th anniversary came around, I purchased tickets to a Shakespeare play (which she loves) with hopes that even if she didnt want to work on our marriage, she would at least go to the play with me. She didnt want to and I gave the tickets away.

You are are good person. Stay strong.

thanks hiscott. appreciate the support.

and that folks, is that. he's gone now, I'm home and crying my eyes out. god he is such an ass. he really is. if I have to hear one more time about how this is hard for him to, I may bodily throw him thru a window.

he came in and all was okay, a little weird at first, the kids were all over him and I took off to target after saying hi. he pretty much avoided looking at me. I got home when I thought the kids would be in bed...would give him plenty of time to get home to watch the game and all. no such luck, they were still reading stories. finished them up with all 3 kids on me and him glaring at me every once in a while.

put them to bed, he went downstairs while i was still in with d3, and I breathed in and out a few times, geared myself up, and walked downstairs.

it was fine at first. he asked how I was, I said good. fine. I tried to be breezy about it, but he was immediately all over that. I told him as good as I can be today. but I didn't say it in a mopey way at all, just a matter of fact one. I told him again that I had told him today would be hard but I really am fine. the kids and I were busy all day...I spent it focusing on my blessings. He thought that was a shot at him. he always thinks things are shots at him lately, and they very rarely if ever are. I told him no, that no matter what happens, they were the blessings of our marriage. he actually said he was surprised I felt that way. ummm...they are the most lovely, adorable children on earth, of course they are blessings. (no, I didn't say that).

he started to come down on me about how I don't talk to him anymore, and how I'm so not normal because I can't just talk to him like a person and such. I just looked at him, and remembered care, and said that I needed him to understand tonight was hard for me, and that I appreciate the space, and by next year most likely things will be very different...I'll be able to make chit-chat/talk about our lives and such. he got mad that it would take a whole year and started yelling at me, in a nutshell I'm a big loser who can't just be "normal" to him.

I got a little snarky, I'll admit...told him ya know what's going on in my life? today is my 10th wedding anniversary and my husband woke up in some other woman's arms. then I told him to just go home to her, I didn't want to do this tonight.

I stopped there. he went off to the bathroom and i went downstairs to fold laundry, hoping he would just leave. I started to cry but checked it when I heard him approach. that's when he started in about how hard this is for him. not in a gentle, understanding way, more in a, how dare I be hurt or upset, don't I know this is awful for him and its all about him way. ass. I told him calmly that I did get that. I do understand that this is hard for him. he told me he didn't believe that. I told him absolutley I did...that 10 years ago when we were married he was full of hopes and dreams, too. and his were disappointed in the end.

don't really remember much else that was said. he finally left and I lost it. that damned keening, wailing cry. heartwrenching, gutwrenching cry that just takes my breath away. thankfully not a regular part of my life anymore, but here it is today.

anyway, thanks for all the support today. I will get thru this. but my god, it just sucks so much.

the sad thing is, I want so badly to send him an e-mail. I want to ask him wtf does he want from me??? what does he expect? friendship? I am trying here to be understanding and empathetic and a whole host of things for him, why can't he understand that I can't be his friend while he goes home to her every day.

oh god, she'll comfort him tonight if he's upset. I want to throw up.

there should be guys you can just rent to hold you for a night. I know that sounds weird, but I would give a lot for someone to just hold me right now.

I think you did good, Morgan.

When he was being an idiot, you told him, straight up, where things really stood: that on your 10th wedding anniversary, he was being a total schmuck.

I dont understand, why YOU were quite so understanding, about "this being hard for him". That's one of the most ludicrous things that "they" seem to universally come up with: that "this is so hard for them".


How can they possibly expect sympathy for abandoning all common decency, by betraying their spouse and their children??
It's beyond me.