When we told our d that we were separating we said something like
"mummy and daddy need to live in separate houses becuase we keep having arguments. I will always love daddy because he and I made you. We both love you, there is nothing that you have done to make this happen. We still will spend time with you......if you want to ask us any questions feel free adn if you want to talk to someone else about it you can talk to your teachers or rattled off a couple of people"
wish I could remember specifics...it went reasonably well. The fallout comes later.
as far as how often he comes over. I have tried to be as accommodating as possible to allow him to see dd whenever he likes, but I fear that this has sent a message that _I_ am keen to see him as well and that's not necessarily the case (I mean I am keen to see him, but it's very uncomfortable and tense for me). He seems to be keener to spend time with me than to spend time with d, yet he still wants to live elsewhere and have his own life and date other women (in an effort to better his communication skills??? - weird man logic). quite frankly, I think that sucks and shows a fair amount of insensitivity for my feelings. though I'm sure if I accused him of this he'd pull out a whole lot of things that "show' otherwise.
I think I'd prefer that he weren't there, but my guess is the kids would prefer that he were. It's something I'll have to figure out over time, I think. I'm not going to say anything right now. If the kids strongly prefer he's there, I think eventually either I won't be there, or if they strongly prefer that both H and I are there, I may be able to work that out for them.
Be sure that if you aren't comfortable with him being there at the same time as you, that you let him know that. If you put the kids needs before yours and just 'suck it up', your resentment at him being in the house at the same time as you will come out somewhere and end up blowing up. At least this is what happened to me. I was trying to be nice and making things seem normal-ish for d, but then h would get the wrong idea and put the moves on me. silly me would feel guilty if I rejected him and too cowardly to stand up for my feelings so I would pretend it didn't bother me too much and then things would get too intimate and I'd feel like I couldn't back out (plus I'd be horny by that stage too!) and so I'd go with it in the hopes that I could pretend things were okay. the problem was, that it doesn't solve any communication issues....I'm still holding onto my resentment and he hasnt' got a clue that what he is doing is stepping all over very fuzzy boundaries that I'm too chicken to clarify and maintain.
Hey Puddle and Sunny Puddle my thread locked so till I start a new one...
I actually talked to Nomo about the "routine" and when oi get my own real place how rhings will not be like they are now...it will be worse as W will not want kids at my house all the time like I would prefer. More on his response later but I am sure u all can guess it was insightful I.e. "Is it really losing something...CVA?".
Anyway, puddle, is she hot? Ibtersted but married? I jave already wrecked one home!!! But hey, I'm interested!!!
Sunny, call me, I'm already having withdrawel!!!
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
as far as how often he comes over. I have tried to be as accommodating as possible to allow him to see dd whenever he likes, but I fear that this has sent a message that _I_ am keen to see him as well and that's not necessarily the case (I mean I am keen to see him, but it's very uncomfortable and tense for me). He seems to be keener to spend time with me than to spend time with d, yet he still wants to live elsewhere and have his own life and date other women (in an effort to better his communication skills??? - weird man logic). quite frankly, I think that sucks and shows a fair amount of insensitivity for my feelings. though I'm sure if I accused him of this he'd pull out a whole lot of things that "show' otherwise.
I'm so confused.
CMC- This sounds so much like something I could have written (except H is not open about dating other women). H wants his space and time to "work out his issues" but he can come and go from our house as much as he wants and has been spending a lot of time here in the evenings, even after the kids are asleep. I want him to want to be here, but feel that he's not using the S to work on things, like he said he needed to do. Ugh, i am also so confused!
Unlike some others here, I don't think that you should tell them that you and H don't love each other anymore
And that wouldn't be true. We do, but it's not enough for H. We'll have to qualify that one, if we mention it at all.
Originally Posted By: new_attitude
they may start to think that your love for them could end, even if you word it in a way that tells them that mommys and daddys love each other differently than parents and kids do. I think that's too complicated for little kids.
Just to clarify, we told the kids at the Big Talk, and numerous times since then, that mommy and daddy love and care about one another and always will, but that we don't love each other like a Husband & Wife should. We also stressed that we loved them, always would, and that the love between mommies and daddies is different that between H&W. At times, it's also ok to say these are adult problems, adult issues that they don't need to worry about. Mommy and daddy wil handle it.
Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Glad to hear H isn't bringing the dog in. Why don't you compromise and just add one extra day of him coming over, and that day you can go have plans for yourself? That's just one day a week. Or don't change anything right now, and if the kids are wanting to see him more, then think about letting him come over more often and if you can't handle being there, try to get in a class, or church group, or something to be away while he's there.
I know that you haven't thought that H is having a PA, but I just say this only so that you aren't hit with another "bomb". It is very very likely that he's been having a PA. And, I'm definitely not saying that to make you feel worse, I just want you to be prepared for when you find out about it, or if and when it happens if it really hasn't happened yet. My H would never have told me, and would have continued to lie about it had I not, NOT believed him. oops, a double negative!
I know that you can handle anything that comes your way. You've been very strong about the whole thing. Just continue doing what your doing, taking care of yourself, force your PMA if you have to, and start having fun with your life. Don't focus on H. And you know what? No matter what there is still hope. you never know what holds for your future.
definitely get that PMA up and have fun with the kids!!!! pronto!!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I forgot to add my email earlier. crissy7399@cox.net
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Do you think his wanting to be there until the kids are in bed is for them or to be around you more? Or both?
I think this is absolutely all about the kids. H can't seem to stay far enough away from me right now, even in the same house.
Originally Posted By: Bill_S
I havent had a chance to read your other posts much but hes a very confused man.
This is the one thing H claims he is not. I have my doubts.
Originally Posted By: warm&sunny
Originally Posted By: Puddle
so he's fleeing the unhappiness he's sees coming. That strikes me as negative instead of positive. And in the meantime, he's distressed and stressed out
Ditto this also! Doesn't seem logical, does it?
Yeah, this confuses me, too. I find I'm much happier, though, when I don't spend time wondering about it. "Yeah, weird, oh well" feels better than mulling it over, which never leads anywhere anyway.
Originally Posted By: warm&sunny
You'll probably ease into something that works for both of you as time goes by.
I think you're right. No need to set everything up beforehand. We'll have time to figure out what works best. It may change, anyway.
Casey and NA: I don't want to fall into feeling that H is in my space too much. Our sitch is a bit different, in that this isn't about space or H working on anything: it's simply the first step out the door. I don't have any illusions (or any hope, I don't think) that H will change his mind and return.
So for me this is going to be all about finding something that works for me, space- and time-wise. As sunny says, we'll figure it out as we go.
H told me last night he's decided he doesn't want to share a space with anyone (no roommates), so he's back to looking at houses to rent. I'll be interested to hear how this plays out. It'll mean more money, certainly, and probably more distance, since he can't afford anything in our neighborhood. I'm trying to let that go, too, folding little origami thought swans and setting them free...
Hey CVA!
I locked up two threads in a row yesterday, including yours! Good work, Puddle. So yeah, she's interested, and according to her, she defines hot, especially when corralling kids. Unfortunately (or fortunately, maybe) Texas cancels the whole thing out for her.
I'll look forward to your new thread and reading the email you're writing to W about the house deal. You working on it?
Thanks, Nomo. I don't think the kids are too little (7-y-o, anyway) to understand that there are different kinds of love. And thanks for sending the stuff about your talk a while ago. Are you keeping this stuff, by the way? It'll make for some interesting archives someday.
H seems sure that someone who knows what we're like as a couple and as parents/family will be able to help us tailor the talk for our sitch, and maybe he's right. I don't see how that cancels out any of the things you've mentioned you said, but H seems to think they'll need less reassurance or something.
He told me the other night that his IC told him he thinks the kids are in a better position right now than many who've suffered through arguing, etc, but that it'll still have an impact on the kids. I was glad to know someone besides me had said that to him.
Hey ST! Thanks for posting.
And thanks for the reminder about the potential PA. I know it's a possibility, though I'm still doubtful it's happening. If it is, though, it won't change anything. I have no idea how I'll feel if I find out it is. I'm hoping for vaguely sad, the same feeling I had the other day when I saw the doc on his desktop with a woman's name and IM. I'm hoping if I do find out he's seeing someone, I'll be in such a good place with me that I'll hardly care!
And yes, thanks for the reminder about getting that PMA up! Today we're going to the park with our group of friends, then I have to prepare for the camping trip I'm going on with friends this weekend. I am sooo looking forward to that, even if we get rained on! I think the time away will be good for me. I've never spent a weekend away from the family doing something fun.
H went to get the dog last night and walked in while another couple was adopting it. Phew.
My guess is next week is the time we'll tell the kids and H will leave. I intend to be in a good place by then.
Last night the kids and I were snuggled in bed and I was reading one of the Little House books. We got to the part where the dog died, and I just cried my way right through it. You know how when you start to cry, you start crying about everything? There was some of that. I told myself, keep it together, you can cry later. I stumbled through, then fell asleep with the kids, and when I woke up at 10 I didn't feel like crying anymore.
Puddle Are you Britney or Lindsey? Lol! I thought of that when u wanted to keep your anonymity and u said u were not a public figure or something like that!
Jennifer Anniston. If so, I'm moving!
Hope that put a smile on your face! It did mine
C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
Puddle, Are you ... Jennifer Anniston. If so, I'm moving!
LOL! Ding ding ding---we have a winner! First laugh of the day! Thanks for that.
Good lord, can you imagine getting into an R with someone online and then finding out it's some childish, out-of-control celebrity? Yeah, that'd work out.
I promise, my picture has never been in a magazine, I've never been in the gossip pages, no papparazzi stalks me. I'm just one of the thousands of anonymous people who make their living "producing content."
But seriously, CVA? Britney? Lindsey? Jennifer Anniston? How about Susan Sarandon? You're not a teenager anymore!
