Your H has probably been a classic conflict avoider, perhaps also passive/aggressive, he stonewalls and clams up rather than discuss a problem. Let's just say he is emotionally challenged/handicapped.
Your H was probably raised in a strict environment and was not comfortable expressing his feelings or he was shot down when he did. He learns to stonewall and keep silent rather than talk about what is wrong. Read Scott Wexler's book on Passive/aggressive behaviors and you will discover how your H was complying on the surface, but internally he was storing and accumulating resentment over his whole life from childhood on. Right now he is like an alter personality. For years you only saw his nice side, now the other side is out in full force - he's selfish, nasty, competitive, narcissistic, etc.,etc.
And I think this is true for a lot of us: prior to MLC we lived with and accommodated [because we loved them] a fairly difficult person.
Along the way I think our playfulness got eroded, and the bomb and aftermath gave the final hammer blow. Then there was teh long and painful period of geting up off the floor, and finding who we were.
Now we have to learn to play again. And I mean play, enjoy ourselves without thought of self-improvement. Kids need to play - through play they learn and grow, and express themselves.
I have started doing ballet and ice-skating. I also play the piano but that, for me, is very different, because I am committed to it. The ballet and ice-skating are FUN. I feel different about me, my body, and my spirit, by doing something that has no goals [no exams, tests, objectives]. I will never perform or compete. I do it for the sheer joy of living.
What I am saying, is, however busy you are, do something playful. If you have small kids, 'play' with them even more than you do. we need remedial silliness in our lives to complete ourselves and heal, IMO
What do others think? Any ideas for playing? Most of us are busy and many of us dont have much spare cash.
It really does feel so good to just play and be silly. We used to do that as a family. But now, even though my H is at home, we don't all do that together. It is walking on eggshells when he is home and trying to keep up with housework, work, homework, kids sports, etc. all the time. At least H still goofs off with the kids by himself every so often.
I am going to make a point of taking time out for playing and being silly with each of my kids at least once a day. H can join in the fun, or just watch us have fun!
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
Angelica- This is a great post (as I think all of your posts are). I feel like somewhere I have forgotten how to have fun and how to learn and explore new things. I am trying to think of some things I would enjoy doing and I am even having difficulty coming up with anything. Between marriage, work and kids I feel like I have lost myself. I was just thinking yesterday that I need to find some new adventures and new interests. I seem to keep coming up with excuses for everything...that's too expensive or this is too time consuming...stuff like that. I wish I had a passion for something...I am trying to find that something...I hope it will come to me.
Speaking of playing, my kids and some friends went out to dinner the other night. On the way home, we drove post a "pumpkin patch" and decided to stop because the kids thought it would be fun to go on the jumpers. Keep in mind that my kids are 14 and 16. So, they seemed to be having a great time running up and sliding down on the jumpers, so I decided to join them. I had a blast. I don't think I have laughed that much in a long time.
Hi - I wasted some time thinking about what I had a passion for -then I just decided to focus on what was available and realtively inexpensive and might be fun. We are talking playing here, not career choices!
What you did with your kids is exactly the sort of thing I meant. What about drumming, or salsa, or learning Italian - NOT for a certificate, but for the sheer enjoyment of the playing.
Perhaps someting you wanted to do as a little kid and never did?
OK - just had an ice-skating lesson. It was such fun!! Mid-term break in London so lots of nice kids zooming about, and being VERY kind to all the old people doing their best not to fall over.
A great class full of nice people of all ages. I am shattered now though. Started doing 'lemons' but cannot skate backwards yet.
