Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Now We're Separated... Learning My Way

I’d encourage both you and your W to take your time and to not rush into anything. Again, your separation has just begun. Both you and W will hopefully take this time to self reflect and to grow. Who knows how each of you will feel in six months. I can tell you that my W is hugely conflicted, vacillates on what she wants, and how she behaves.

Take this time to better understand yourself and what you want. I’m sure that you love your kids, but accept that you will not always be with them and enjoy that new found free time. Go skydiving, or learn to scuba, or take guitar lessons, or train for a marathon or take up woodworking.

Concerning dating, I wouldn’t recommend it either. If you do, you will be reducing the chances that your marriage will work out. It’s too early to play that card. Plus, you need time to grow. There probably are some things about you that caused the problems in your marriage. Take the time to think about those issues and to resolve them before reentering into your marriage or getting involved with someone else.

I believe that we are social creatures and long to be in a partner relationship, but it’s also important to not need that, to feel comfortable with yourself, and to know that you would be fine on your own,

Patience.

Thanks Hiscott.

While we would all like to think that our spouse is "taking the time to reflect", and otherwise doing what we would like them to do, it often times doesn't work that way. I guess that is why I was asking everyone on here.

I fully expect that she will instead take this opportunity to maximize the time she spends with the OM. Perhaps I am wrong, but my gut has proven correct far too often over the last 8 months for me to ignore it now.

However, I still take the advice you (and others) have offered up as valid. I have to remember that I'm just starting out on this phase of my life and I need to reflect and correct my own problems. Hopefully you all understand where I was/am coming from on this. It is frustrating to have defined "rules" for the period and know that the other person has proven all too often that they don't follow the "rules".

Thanks!

SteveInTN,

I know that it's hard, but try to hang in there. Who knows how W will feel/act in six months. I can tell you that my WAW went wild for her first six months of our separation. We have been separated for nine months now. She started dressing super sexy, drinking martinis, and going out several times a week. I continued to see our marriage counselor individually, but not her. Then a couple of months ago, she slowed down, started seeing a counselor, and has opened up more to me. We still may end of divorced, but what I'm trying to say is that it's likely that your W is confused and may change her tune over time. You have four kids that you both love. You cant point out the obvious, but the idea of keeping her family together might sound more attractive as the separation progresses.

Hang in there....


W and I have been separated now for nine months and for the first six months, she partied like I've never seen

SteveInTN,

I know that it's hard, but try to hang in there. Who knows how W will feel/act in six months. I can tell you that my WAW went wild for her first six months of our separation. We have been separated for nine months now. She started dressing super sexy, drinking martinis, and going out several times a week. I continued to see our marriage counselor individually, but not her. Then a couple of months ago, she slowed down, started seeing a counselor, and has opened up more to me. We still may end of divorced, but what I'm trying to say is that it's likely that your W is confused and may change her tune over time. You have four kids that you both love. You cant point out the obvious, but the idea of keeping her family together might sound more attractive as the separation progresses.

Hang in there....


W and I have been separated now for nine months and for the first six months, she partied like I've never seen

Steve

There is a thread on this subject going in newcomers

Datin Thread

This may help. But my best advice is give yourself a little time to settle in.

Dave

I agree. Call me old fashion, but I think if a couple is separated, then they should be treated and behave as such. Why is she still telling you what to do? She has lost that call. I don't believe that text messaging and phone calls should be going on unless it is something "important" about the kids. If you put her in the position to see what her life will be like without you, then she may get her eyes open, but right now....she has not truly been placed there....has she? You are still being her little puppet. Don't mean to make you mad by saying that, but it is what I'm reading into the posts.

You probably have mixed emotions about what to do b/c you do not have a clue as to what to expect from her. She is wanting to eat cake. She is trying to have you and the OM. I think she was testing you by ML and wearing the T-shirt and panties to see what/how you would react. I know what Michelle says about the sex stuff.....but like I said....call me old fashion. I would not ML with somebody I was going to leave in a day or two...but that is just me. Not finding fault with you......after all, you are a man (lol). Sorry, couldn't resist.

Anyway, I think she is testing you. If you go dark.....she may start to see the light. If the OM is getting a divorce, she may have to try him out.......so prepare yourself. However, after they see they both are "free" to be together.....they may quickly discover that it is not nearly as exciting as it was when it was so "sinful" to be together. You have to decide if you want to wait it out or just get out of the mess now and start a new life. Are you over her? Do you think you could get over her and move on with your life? You know that the kids will always be the tie that binds. So, a lot of this depends not on just what she does, but on how you feel and what you want out of your life.

I hope that you make the right decision. How are the kids doing by now? Be prepared for them to play their little "games" between you and the W. Unless they are above average kids, they will work one against the other.....for their advantage. But, hopefully it won't be that bad.

Well, take care and I do hope that your life gets much better real soon.

Hiscott - You're right. I'll hang in there. It will be tough but I think you are right about the newness of the sep. Things won't be so tough down the road. I'll come to grips with my new life and won't worry so much about it.

C_K - good discussion!

Sandi - I know you are right and I'm pulling back from that. Just trying not to be mean in the process. Much of our discussion on Monday was about just that & she has left me alone this week. I think you are right about her testing me & I am going dark. At this moment my actions are less geared towards hoping to save the marriage, instead I'm concerned with finding my own happiness.

Am I over her? Tough call, but getting less tough every day. I still love her but I had/have a lot of anger for all the hurt she caused me over the last 8-9 months. Right I DO know that I want nothing to do with the relationship we've had over the years. I'm 100% done with that. Like hiscott said, if a new one spawns over the coming months... who knows. I still find it hard to imagine how I could take a chance at ending up in that position again. As hard as it is for me to admit, I need to start over.

Am I over our marriage and having my kids around me all the time? Absolutely not. It is going to take some time for me to come to grips with the fact that our marriage has failed.

Kids seem to be doing good. I get them for the first time at "my place" this weekend, so I'm looking forward to that. I'll also know a bit more about how they are doing. I'm afraid of losing the closeness that I have with each of the four. I'm gonna have to work very hard not to lose that.

Thanks to all for the support. It is VERY comforting for me to hear from people who have experienced what I am going through.

Steve

Had a good weekend with the kids. Went without a hitch until this morning when I had to drop the four of them off at three different schools. Small bump in the road and I'll do a better job next time.

W seems to have enjoyed her 1st weekend w/o kids in quite some time. I am having a hard time convincing her that she needs to do small things like inform me when mail arrives for me. I've yet to see one shred of mail. I guess I'll just go in when I drop the kids off tonight and grab the entire stack of bills and what-not.

That is part of what I need to figure out. One minute she is so flippant and could care less about anything, the next she is different. I need to learn to steer clear of her and seriously detach from her w/o detaching from the kids.

I've spent a good amount of times over the last couple of days reading through the threads on this forum. So many common threads. The answers to all my questions are right there, I just have to take the time to read through everything. It is obvious to me that I need to do some serious detaching and "go dark". W has put me through a mini-rollercoaster over the last several days with comments & questions. Instead of thinking that I might be missing some sort of "opportunity" or "opening", I need to remind myself that these are just potential bumps in the ride I'm on. If I don't allow her to sneak the comments & questions in, or if I don't pay any attention to them, then they won't affect me.

I don't have the kids until Sunday night. I think I'm going to re-read DR for the umpteenth time over the next few nights just for some foundation work. Since deciding to separate two months ago, and doing it almost a month ago, I've sort of lost my bearing. I've forgotten my purpose. I need to rediscover that. Not sure if it will be anything more than GAL, but at least it will give me short term direction.

Just jotting down the latest...

Won't go into details but while I was 'free' this weekend I ended up doing volunteer work for my two daughter's teams at a tournament. 14 hours on Saturday and the majority of the day on Sunday. On Saturday W must have thought that I was very stupid as she asked to come up and 'help me' during the period that her OM was going to be around. She claimed ignorance because she didn't know the schedule but I had sent it to her and one of her friends (other volunteer) said she had mentioned OM would be there during that time. I told her no thanks and that she sucked... later she sent me a long text saying she was very sorry for coming across that way.

Kids came over to my place Sunday night, things have gone smooth. We are finally getting something of a routine started. Last night she had to drop D13 off after cheerleading. She came in and kissed the other kids goodnight then started rumaging through my fridge for a beer. She told me she was "going out with friends".

This AM she called my cell 3 times while I was hosting a conference call, so I didn't have the option of answering. Called her back later and it sounded like she was still in bed. She said she was just wanting to know if I needed any help picking kids up, told her no. Then I got in her ass pretty hard with all this stuff. Told her I moved out because I didn't want to know what she was doing or when she was doing it. Asked her to not feel the need to keep me informed or rub things in my face for awhile. Obviously she is much farther ahead in the giving up dept and I need to catch up.

How come our spouses can't understand that being separated doesn't make everything okay? I moved out to get the pressure off yet she is interjecting it into my life when I am away from the home. Told her that "I" was the one whose life had changed dramatically because of SEP. She is still in the house, same part of town, same friends, etc.

Strength.... Just need to keep detaching. Wish I could have NOT got in her ass about it today but I was 'irritated'.