Well my friends another thread has locked up and my M is still going to end. I think the only thing holding up my D right now is that my L is on vacation again for a few weeks.
This past Friday my W recieved my counter to her L's proposal for D settlement and my W flipped out. In it my L asked that we share our girls one week on and one week off. I honestly had no idea that my L was going to make this request.... I think my L is trying to create some leverage for us since I was fine with the agreement that my W and I came to. I do know that my L was going to try and get a few more over nights for me with my girls, I guess this is how she is going about getting it. Either way I trust my L and do not trust my W or her L.
Since we had the blowup at the house where my W was throwing things and yelling....we came to an agreement that there would be no D talk in our home. So Saturday morning we went to a couple house from our church to talk about D. Well the guy house we went to did something totally unexpected. He gave my W the most convincing case as to why we should not be getting D and need to try to reconcile. Well that set my W off and she was pissed that he even tried. Even though it was fruitless I respect the man for trying to do what was right. We ended up meeting for over an hour with me not saying much. I told them that I could not say a whole lot and hoped that they could respect that. But what I did say was that I have instructed my L to have my girls best interests at heart and mine. Then when questioned by my W about our kids custody I told her that we talked in the past about how I felt about custody and she knew where I stood and I mentioned that her L is playing games and told her to figure it out. I cannot tell her that my L is trying to create some negotiating power because it compromises what my L is trying to do. Well the guy who's house we were at figured it out and told my W that Scott does not trust your L and knowing Scott he will do what is right in the end. I was relieved that he was able to sense that with me saying so little.
Now fast forward to Sunday night.... DD call me to say good night. D5 was crying on the phone missing her daddy. I talked to her for a little while and then D2. After I hung up my W called me back 15 minutes later telling me that she was going to tell D5 that she could not have her puppy because I was unwilling to take care of it. I told my W that that was inappropriate and that if she was not planning on keeping the puppy she needed to tell D5 that it would be to hard to care for the puppy between to homes and leave it at that. Now this puppy was bought by my W as a way to distract my DD's of all that is going on. I asked my W not to get it and told her if she did get it she would have to take care of it because I could not. Now that D is almost finished and my W clearly does not want this dog she is blaming me as the reason for getting rid of the dog. I hate this.........
So that is how my weekend started and now yesterday because of problems at work I spent 10hrs in my parents basement working. I guess my weekends hightlight is the fact that the Bears won and the conferance call that I was on that night did not last the entire game.
That bring me to today. I work for a bank so I got the day off, but D5 still had school??? I was able to have a lot of one on one time with D2 which was fun. Though since I was off D5 was excited for me to see her get off her school bus.. This meant that I had to sit out front of my W's new house and wait for her. That was kind of weird but not really that big of a deal.
Wow this is becoming a long post..... I will shorten try to put an end to it. I spent the evening with my girls and had fun. But for whatever reason I was in the dumps.....
Scott, I'm so sorry that she is so adamant about the D. You keep on standing up for what you believe in, those girls. I can tell you are a wonderful father. Let your L do all the dirty work, that's what you pay him for. Don't let her pull you into an argument.
You come on here and vent all you need to. That's what we are all here for, to support each other. Make the post as long as you need, we'll still read it.
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Yoyo, Mark, LWB, NCB....thanks for your support.....
No new fireworks to report between my W and I. Still a bunch of the same old stuff. For example my W emailed me yesterday about us possibly meeting with our L's. Then at the end of the email she said that I need to do what is right for our girls because they are ready to move on..... Really.....My D's want to not see their daddy on a daily basis - I don't think so. She still seems to be wrapped up in her world called "Its all about me".
Another example of my W's me behavior occurred last night. Typically D5 has soccer on nights that my W works, so she has not been involved in D5 soccer at all. Well yesterday D5 had a game and would have been the perfect opportunity for my W to go and watch our girls game. Well she chose not to go and decided to go bra shopping instead. I think this hurt and disappointed me more then it did D5....but I think it shows what really is important right now to my W. BTW, her reason for not going is that she did not want to freeze while watching the game. This was said by the same woman that would go to my baseball games while I was in college in the early spring when the temperatures were barely above freezing.
One thing I have been thinking about lately and would love to hear all your thoughts on is this: "Are we(LBS) really 50% to blame in our failed M's?". Now I am not saying that I am perfect and understand that my M was between my W and I. We both have done things to each other over the years that we could have done better or in a more loving way. But is the WAS personality one that is more inclined to waiver and run. Are they addicted to the new in love feeling and does it really matter if we were the perfect partner or not. I still claim 50% in the my M's downfall....but I am starting to wonder if I should really be claiming that much.......Call me an idiot, whack me with a 2x4....just interested in everyone's thoughts about this in general....
Oh Scott, I think about this daily. Am I really THAT much to blame for the rockiness of the M before the A? Obviously, H could have said "NO" to the A and really approached me to tell me we were in serious trouble. So, I won't take any blame for that. He never once told me how unhappy he was until after the A started. Coincidence? I don't think so. I think he did a bit of history twisting to justify what he was doing.
Like you, I am not the perfect wife, far from it. I've been selfish in the past, and I realize that. But I feel now that I didn't do many of things he claims I did. Problem is, H doesn't see it that way, and that is what matters when it comes to fixing things. I know what I did, but he won't hear it. No amount of debating will change his mind at the moment, so I don't even try.
Your W really missed out on a nice memory by skipping the game. I see what you mean about you being more disappointed than D. I suppose that's good because we want them to be hurt the least. I can't believe she is justifying pushing the divorce by saying the kids would be better off. Classic defense though, textbook.
I pretty much feel the same. Did my W ever come to me before her A and tell me we were in trouble - Nope. It was the exact opposite that occured. Through out our M all I heard was how much she loved me and our family. Now the story is much different. If it was really that bad how could I have been expected to change or better our R without knowing there were problems of this magnitude. If what my W now says is true, I was on trial the year before the A and did not even know it. If she really tried why did she not fill me in... I know none of us are perfect...but I also know/feel that none of us deserve this.... I try to look at the positves. This has been a time of great pain, but, it has been a time of personel growth for me. I still have two precious daughters that adore me and I them.... I won't lie the loss of my M hurts like he!!...but knowing the burden this is going to be for my girls and not seeing them daily hurts even worse now.
Journaling: Today was pretty good for the most part. I did get an unexpected phone call from a church friend whom talked to my FIL. I guess my FIL is concerned about the damage that the L's will create and wonder if I was willing to drop the L's and just use a mediator. I explained to him that this was out of my control now that it is in our L's hands. As far as I know, because I am not the one who filed, my W would have to stop the D and fire her L for this to occur. Then my L would have nothing to do as far as this D. Then we would have to start the whole process over again with a mediator. I told him that I just didn't see that happening. I told him that hopefully once we all sitdown we can work through any of the issues that are there. If not then it goes in front of a judge. He agreed that was what at this point should probably happen. I also mentioned to him that it seems to me that people are trying to make this easier on my W and nobody is telling her that this is the bed that she made and needs to lay in it. That actually frustrates me.
Now tonight started off with me picking D5 up from my W's friends house and bringing her to her soccer game. Once we got home we just hungout coloring and then watched a movie on the floor of my family room. Then while putting my girls to bed I was sadden by the thought that my time with my girls at my house fulltime is starting to run short. While putting D5 to bed I finally teared up. My D realized right away that this had to do with them moving out. She real is an awesome kid. I hope that I did not screw up or say anything out of line. I at first just kept telling her that I was sad.....In the end I end up telling her that her mommy did not want to be married to me anylonger and there was nothing that I could do about it and that I was sorry for that. I reassured her that neither of us were going away and that we both loved her and her sister. I just now worry that I came off blaming my W for all this and put a burden on my DD that could have been avoided. I was not expecting this to happen...it just did.
Did my W ever come to me before her A and tell me we were in trouble - Nope. It was the exact opposite that occured. Through out our M all I heard was how much she loved me and our family. Now the story is much different
Wow Scott. So true. Here's a small example. We bought a new Trailblazer last fall, to be my car. I felt bad, because it was my 2nd new car in a short time, and H always bought used cars for himself and kept them up on his own. I told him so, that I didn't need a new car at all, didn't care. He signed the papers without me, saying I deserved this car, he wanted me to have it, etc. NOW, he says I always got what I wanted, and he suffered with second best so we didn't go into debt. It was a marriage of convenience for me, and I was selfish. UGH
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I reassured her that neither of us were going away and that we both loved her and her sister.
This is the most important thing you could say. I think you did super well, dealing with them. I feel so bad for dads who don't choose this, want to be involved, can't bear being away from them one single night. There are sooo many dads out there that walk away, and here you are, wanting nothing of that. SO not fair.
There are sooo many dads out there that walk away, and here you are, wanting nothing of that. SO not fair.