Sooner, I've definitely been in your wife's brain! In particular since becoming a mother, I feel like I fail everyone. I think you're on the right track trying to let her know how wonderful you think she is. Someone who feels reasonably good about herself can usually be a more giving person, wanting to spread the good feelings around. Maybe it seems like it is hard to convince her when you tell her directly. Let her overhear you tell someone how terrific she is. It seems like maybe your H really believes it if he tells someone else. She'll ultimately need a positive self-image which can stand without support, but knowing and really believing that you think she's wonderful can be an excellent boost until that happens. Knowing, now, that my husband really thinks I'm pretty special, even with all my flaws, makes me want to do all kinds of wonderful things for him.
Jeffo, I think I understand what you mean. It's about sex and yet it is about so much more. If my husband had sat back, crossed his arms and said, "So you want someone to listen to you. Well then talk. I'm listening." I doubt I would have felt very good about that conversation. Technically, I would have gotten what I asked for, but I wouldn't have gotten the sense of intimacy that I really wanted to come from talking. I think when your wife says, "So this is about you wanting more sex," it is similar to what could have happened with my conversation with my husband. So when she says that, your answer is "No. It isn't just about that."
Is there a chance all of this seems to be coming out of the blue to your wife? You've had this sense of dissatisfaction, attraction to another woman, and have found SSM (I hope I'm not getting you confused with someone else.) She hasn't. It all seems strange and sudden. She's wondering what's going on. Possible?
Very perceptive, MPT. I like your conversation analogy (and I might have to use it ).
Quote: Is there a chance all of this seems to be coming out of the blue to your wife?
Yes, there's a big chance. I suppose it's a bit surprising. Like an "overnight success" who worked for ten years to hit the big time. This has actually been going on for a long time, but I've only recently been able to articulate what's wrong, thanks, I think, to SSM...
Thanks, but we're not there yet...we've come a long way since even last week simply by communicating. Amazing what a little honest talking will accomplish.
MPT - Sorry it's taken me so long to thank you for your latest response. I'm still trying to come up with ways to make sure my wife knows how wonderful I think she is, but I'm not having much luck. It doesn't help that we got into an argument on Saturday (which eventually worked it's way into the sex argument). However, for once it didn't get out of hand - as compared to the usual sex argument anyway. It actually may have helped for once - later that day my wife sat beside me a couple of times while we had people at the house and she blatantly TOUCHED me! No, nothing even remotely sexual - just sort of leaning against me - but for so long I've felt that she does everything possible to avoid even brushing up against me, that I definitely noticed something different when she touched me. At least I felt like she was making an effort. Hopefully that will continue. Please keep me in mind - I appreciate any advice that you can give me.
Poe - Thanks for your comments as well. I took a look at marriagebuilders.com today and it seems to have some good information. I'll certainly spend some more time looking through the site when I have a chance. With regard to marriage counseling, I've suggested it before and my wife acted like there was no way she'd go to counseling - nor did she think it would do any good. I've also considered going by myself, but as of yet I haven't checked into it. I can't get too excited about going to counseling sessions alone, but I don't doubt that it would be helpful.
Quoting sooner1992: I'm still trying to come up with ways to make sure my wife knows how wonderful I think she is, but I'm not having much luck.
Not much luck with coming up with ways or with convincing her or not much luck with seeing much positive benefit? If it is the last one, just remember my suggestions come from my situation. Try something else if they don't work. IF it seems like she has gotten used to you telling her she's great, you could always try not telling her quite so often. Then maybe she'll start to wonder why. I'm just throwing out suggestions.
I hope her leaning up against you is a sign of improvement. Can't say we had ever reached the point of my avoiding touching my H, so I don't think I have any insider view on this.
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