Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Still trying to win WAW back (#2)

Dave, I'm sending you an email re: the workout. I also added muscle mass in addition to losing the 15 lbs. My STBXW griped because I had put on weight. Big surprise, losing it made no difference. None of the things she wanted different about me were the problem. Now I'm trying to go back to being me.

About eating, here's what I did. It was 2-3 weeks before I could eat or sleep. I was also very anxious, so much that I was considering asking my STBXW to leave. I was concerned about that because I wanted her to be able to see my GAL changes. I talked to my MC and then my pastor about asking her to leave, custody, etc. Both were supportive of it. During my conversation with my pastor, he made mention of the me,me,me, I,I,I, aspect of the leaving spouse.

This is going to sound funny, but later I began to realize that I was only thinking about me,me,me, I,I,I, in regards to my anxiety. Not trying to listen to what God wants me to do, not the kids, or validating her point of view.

I resolved to try to shift my thinking from "I can't believe your doing this to me and the kids just to play the field," to "we are getting a divorce, I don't like it, I don't want it, but I don't want our marriage back the way it was either." "I don't like the way she was treating me, I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't respect me." "I don't want my sons to see their mother treat me with disrespect." "If she changes her mind or comes back later, great, we can build something new and better." "I can't control that." "The only thing I can control is how I act and what I do." "It's her choice whether that is enough." "It it isn't, by GALing I will be on my way back to being me, someone I respect with or without her."

This shift in thinking gave me some peace and started my detachment enough that I was able to eat. Sleep is still a little rocky. Melatonin helps me with that sometimes, but I don't take it often because it leaves me a little drowsy the next day. I still don't really get hungry often, but I can eat enough for my workouts now. Protein shakes are easier to keep down. I just mix them with water at work.

I still get anxious occasionally, (this past sunday,) but it started me down the right track I think.

Now if I could just manage to review everything I say before I say it. I need a DB filter in my head.

Hey thanks! I will give that a try. I have resigned to the fact that things are what they are and this is God's plan for my growth perhaps. I do want to have hope that she will eventually come around and we can rebuild. I do have some fear for me for the future. Maybe I'm just not confident enough in me yet. I also have a LOT of fear for the kids. So many complications and etc that I do not believe the STBXW considered or she just brushed aside and justified due to her state of mind. For her right now it's all about me me me being happy. Too bad she isn't looking at the overall picture and see the possibility of being happy with an unbroken family.

I suppose it'll be a couple more weeks until I'm a bit better from the sound of things.... Right now I want to eat. I'm starving. But I can only eat little amounts before my stomach starts to rebel. So basically I'm hungry all the time in between occasional naseau. Fun stuff....

I'm also working on not being resentful towards my wife for all the feelings I have. It's just not healthy. At times it gets pretty hard to overcome that....

One day at a time I suppose....

What types of food are you eating? Whole wheat crackers and PB should go down easy, and give you a lot of long-term energy. What about drinking fruit juice? That would at least supply some calories.

Just regular food I suppose. Lately hot pockets seems to work for those days I'm not visiting the family. I was meant to get some juices when I got groceries the other night, but completely forgot. Drinking protein shake with milk at times. But yeah, I should get some PB and whole grain bread.... I used to love cooking, especially for my family. Now I feel like I'm in a foreign kitchen with nothing to work with and no motivation to just make something for myself. Oh how I hate trying to figure out meals just for me...

I have also found that stressful situation overwhelms me easily. Like last night when my son was acting bad and I just couldn't handle it.

Sounds like learning some stress management techniques may be of some benefit...?

Have you tried yoga, meditation, anything like that before?

Well let's see. Had a fight with the W last night. I show up and my S start having meltdown and not wanting the W to leave for her T session. My daughter start crying as well for whatever reason. Every time I tried to give S a hug he screams he wants mommy and wants nothing to do with me. I get overwhelmed, don't know what to do. W says things like "nothing has changed, it's still the same, I'm not doing anything" Granted she's having her period and she's cranky and she's late for her appt. Like there is a thing I could do. Made me angry, said I'm so tired of her blaming everything on me and always making it my fault. She gets angrier, starts threatening lawyers and etc. I get mad and say some things I shouldn't have blaming her for the whole situation. It ended up with her flipping me off and drive off to see the therapist.

Surprisingly I got the kids calmed down and we had a nice night hanging out. No problems at all. I even gave my son a haircut and a bath without too much trouble. Talked to him a little bit about his meltdowns.

So when W finally came back she calmed down, and we talked. She finally admits after taking to the T that she has an anger problem. Her temper just flares so fast. And that just triggers me every time and I panic. The odd thing is before I panic because I'm afraid I would lose her, now....I just panic. I just don't like people being upset with me. She said she'll do everything she can to not overreact because it's not good for the kids. I said I'll work on not panic and then get emotional and loud.

Of course her conclusion is that since the kids behave ok when we are by ourselves that we should just see the kids individually and not do things as a family. WTF??? You've got to be kidding me right? The kids need stability and family time now more than ever with what they are going through. I told her that this co-parenting will be harder than anything she'll ever imagine, and that if we don't stick together and help each other with the kids we are doomed. It was hard as it is when we were together, and she thinks it's going to be easier when we aren't is way beyond me....

It sounds like you guys are both all wound up, and just setting each other off. xh and I did this stupid dance for months.

Oh, I know about the panic thing. I do it, too. Trying to break my habit of just freaking out and hanging up on him. (Did it again just a week or so ago. Ugh.)

Ok, here's an idea. Try laying aside the blame. Think about it this way...it's not all your W's fault. (I know how badly you want to point the finger and say "But she left!!") You're both people who made mistakes. Right now, you're just escalating each other. So...why not be the first one to stop that cycle?

Try focusing on the positives instead. What do you like right now about your W?? She is going to a T. She has said she will go to Retro. Those two things tell me that she's not totally closed off from you. What else is there that's great about your W?

DaveJ,

I also understand the panic response, but you have got to stop it. When we first separated, I was pathetic and paniced frequently. At time, I did it in front of the kids. She hated it and I now know that it drove her further away. Be strong. be confident, and most importantly, be patient.

I've been panic'ing for years. Probably even before we got married. Totally conditioned by her. Every time we have a major fight she always threatened to leave. I'm really trying, but it's hard. Like last night she threatened lawyers, which really made me mad. Especially when she said we do not ever want to go down this road. When she gets angry she says things that just pushes my buttons.

The thing is, when I calm down I forgive her. I let things go. No matter what I love her and I can't be mad at her forever. For her, she's been storing them up for years.... I just don't get it. Why can't some people just let things go. I guess if she end up with somebody else, I wish whomever that is luck. I doubt many people would be as "patient" with her anger.

I'm not so happy with her T. Instead of encourage her to be patient and see how things progress because it takes time to heal, she pushed her for resolution so now she can go out and date. The T has never been married and has no kids, I just don't think she has a clue what kind of pain the family goes through with something like this.

I have a little hope for Retro, but I don't want to set myself up for disappointment again. She said so her self at the moment the door is closed, but no one knows what the future holds.

So she's doing it to push your buttons. Okay, then, stop letting it push your buttons.

I understand about the panic thing. My last job had me soooo jumpy about everything. (I quit because my boss would, quite literally, yell at me daily.) A year and half later, and I'm still working at unwinding that reaction. I also have a good friend who suffered from panic attacks for years. It takes time, but you can unlearn that reaction.

Don't worry about what her T may or may not be telling her. Out of your hands.

Again, they all say it's over. That's just the alien talking.