oh sure WII, cast me aside, after I gave you the best yeasts of my life! I'm taking you for all you've got buddy, I'll have your rice cooker too if you're not careful!
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
ok, this is like a fairy tale. Spouse is talkative, happy, friendly, warm etc etc...I guess the mother ship finally landed. I hope more of you find your "returned and reprogramed" spouse soon!
She has gone to OW to break it to her that they are through. Hopefully this will get her thrown out on her ear. The current fantasy is they can be "friends" eventually. I think NOT but am not going to voice anything more than "she doesn't want to be your friend" until after this discussion. Hitting that topic now will only make me look "petty" and besides OW may be about to solve the problem for me! hope hope hope!!!
I told spouse this afternoon that she seemed much more relaxed and she said: I realize I have to open up to you and stop walling myself off in order to make this work.
I see and hear things that make me think this is for real but I want to be slow. We are taking a small family trip next weekend. Thanks for all your good wishes and I sincerely mean it when I say I hope this for all of you who want it.
Last edited by stubborn; 10/16/0704:14 AM.
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
Stub, the reality is they CANNOT be friends. I made that mistake and look where I am right now, dropping my books at Goodwill! But, the question is do you sit down and make outright demands or boundaries with her? If she's serious then she has to recognize that it's not just a matter of floating back into your life, which means she can just as easily float back out! Do you say NO CONTACT? I'm torn because, on one hand, you don't want to make unreasonable (in her eyes) demands that push her back to OW but you also don't want to be a doormat who just takes whatever crumbs she tosses you as long as she stays with you. Anybody got some advice here? Off to Goodwill now, bye bye books.
Stub, the reality is they CANNOT be friends. But, the question is do you sit down and make outright demands or boundaries with her? If she's serious then she has to recognize that it's not just a matter of floating back into your life, which means she can just as easily float back out! Do you say NO CONTACT? I'm torn because, on one hand, you don't want to make unreasonable (in her eyes) demands that push her back to OW but you also don't want to be a doormat who just takes whatever crumbs she tosses you as long as she stays with you. Anybody got some advice here?
I'd be curious to know the answer to this question also.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
My H cut off OW contact there and then. I was involved - it sure helps with the healing. On here you see so many people where their spouse is still involved with OP - what are they doing - insuring they don't get left alone if the return home doesn't work? Wanting to be liked and not thought badly of?
I can understand it whilst everything is still in a state of flux but once the decision has been made to continue on with the M/R then OP MUST go. If they are not willing to do this for the M/ R I would question the returning S's commitment personally.
I know that mentally I could not have coped woth OP continuing to be in the equation.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I totally agree that they should cut all contact. I also know spouse and sometimes it needs to be HER idea...But I also realize there are things I must be firm about. We have not discussed it at length. I am a bit leary to discuss things like this w/o a "moderator/referee".
She came home crying last night and we didn't really discuss what was said. I was sitting at the computer and I heard her come in. She came to where I was and said "what are you doing?" her voice cracked and she was openly weeping. I said "nothin'' and she laid down on the bed and wept. I asked if she wanted me to give her some space. She said "I guess so". I said "I'd hold you if I thought it would help" and she said "no" so I got up and left.
After a few minutes I heard her in the kitchen and she knocked around a bit and then came into the living room with me. She stayed a few minutes and then went on to knock around some more, getting ready for morning etc...finally she told me "I'm going to get into the spa" which means "if you want to join me come now" so I did. We just soaked silently. There was some mild discussion of people who "control" your lives, referring to our daughter and the control her very existence holds over all decisions. There was some more "airy vague" discussion but lately I have the memory of a gnat so I can't recall the specifics.
She is still sleeping in "her" room. I figure that will change in time.
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
wait wait!!! I remember an interesting topic! Remember spouse took DD out to dinner w/ OW last weekend? Spouse mentioned how "smart" DD was because DD asked her "so do you see OW much?" I'm sure spouse felt a bit "grilled" but explained "yes, we get together for coffee and sometimes on my day off we see each other" (yeah, right, let's keep this age appropriate.) DD then started discussing a set of close family friends who are separated and asking lots of questions about where children live when parents split, etc etc...she went on to ask where she would live if spouse and I separated. I'm sure this all turned spouse's stomach. A very big dose of reality.
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
