Thanks lovelyolive. You're right about the drug addict analogy...I keep on thinking it's like she's joined a cult. SHe really is trying to make me into the bad guy, and I keep treating her how I would like to be treated. Is that a mistake? People keep saying I need to get angry, but I don't feel that...just hurt and sad. Do I just cut off contact entirely? If I don't defend myself, what do I say when she lets loose on me like that? What she's saying is warped and untrue, and I certainly don't agree with it. How do you handle someone in the middle of such venomous behaviour?
"In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage." -- Robert Anderson
I am the bad guy in our R, never mind H's affair. I am blamed for everything. For awhile I defended myself, then I stopped and just listened without speaking about it. If it gets too bad or disrespectful, I try to diffuse the situation or walk away. They are classic in rewriting history. When H first told me he was unhappy, he claimed it started 6 months ago, then the next time we spoke, it was a year ago, and so on and so on. Now he says he's been unhappy for years. News to me. You don't have to agree, just acknowledge their feelings, sometimes that is so hard.
Yeah. It's been the same way--it went from a couple of months, to a year, then four years. Could have fooled me. DID fool me. I hate the thought of not saying anything and letting her think I agree with her rewriting of history...
Has there been anything positive for you re: your R lately?
"In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage." -- Robert Anderson
Weird thing happened yesterday. She has been so harsh about getting her stuff from here and has been so mean, but yesterday she called to say she'd spoken to her old best friend that she'd lost contact with. She was very hurt because the friend told my partner she was too hiigh maintenance to be friends with. My partner then proceeded to say how selfish this friend was and how the friend would look around one day to find she has no one left. She couldn't get over how badly this friend had spoken to her. All the while I'm listening and adding pointed passive/aggressive comments about how the friend likely doesn't want a mirror put up to her and prefers to surround herself with people that say what she wants to hear,that she needs therapy but won't get it because it requires work instead of just trading in old friends for new, that people who say such nasty things are really just not happy with themsleves, etc. She saw no parallels whatsoever. I was happy (somewhat) that she called me to confide in me instead of to get something, but half of me wondered why she hadn't called the OP? She told me that I could appreciate the story because I know the history. She said she is taking an inventory of her friends to see who is still her friend...Is she losing it? Most people are angry with her for how she has handled this situation and me.
"In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage." -- Robert Anderson
Wanted to run this past you folks. My partner is doing everything with the OP that we used to do. We used to hike on such and such a mountain, and so they are now. This was our restaurant, now it's theirs. Like the OP stepped into my shoes, only to do the exact same things. Is this common? It's almost as if my partner is comparing me and the OP and gauging our reactions to the same things. Is this something that is part of the script? Is there anything I can do to deflect this?
"In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage." -- Robert Anderson
Look at it another way - the OP is doing the stuff that your partner likes to do. It's positive mirroring by the OP and it's what makes her seem so attractive. We all do it at the beginning of a relationship. The WAS likes to camp and now the OP loves to camp, too. The OP wants to live on a farm and suddenly, the WAS wants to raise chickens. The WAS has had a troubled childhood and suddenly the OP was just as troubled. See how they were meant to be together???
How to deflect it... hmmm... Good question... Maybe some others can help.. I guess you just stay positive and GAL. Are you tired of people telling you that yet???
I do GAL, then it feels empty and so I fall off the wagon, then I get back on when it's brought to my attention...guess I'm a slow learner.
She's been gone 6 weeks today. If anyone had told me 6 weeks and 1 day ago that I would be here in this state of mind I'd have had them committed.
Today I'm starting to pack her things. It's such a double edged sword. One half of me is glad to be getting it done--once she has her stuff she probably won't call anymore. On the other hand, once she has her stuff, she probably won't call anymore.... Don't know if I'm ready to not hear from her again. Friends say that she'll probably find some other reason to call. Not so sure about that. People tell me she doesn't look happy, but she sure professes to be. I realized that all my friends are in couples and they literally do everything together. While I'm pretty good at being able to do things alone, like go to a movie or dinner, I'm finding this so lonely at times. I'd call my best friend, but she's with the OP! :| Raising chickens.
Thanks lovelyolive.
"In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage." -- Robert Anderson
I do GAL, then it feels empty and so I fall off the wagon, then I get back on when it's brought to my attention...guess I'm a slow learner.
She's been gone 6 weeks today. If anyone had told me 6 weeks and 1 day ago that I would be here in this state of mind I'd have had them committed.
Today I'm starting to pack her things. It's such a double edged sword. One half of me is glad to be getting it done--once she has her stuff she probably won't call anymore. On the other hand, once she has her stuff, she probably won't call anymore.... Don't know if I'm ready to not hear from her again. Friends say that she'll probably find some other reason to call. Not so sure about that. People tell me she doesn't look happy, but she sure professes to be. I realized that all my friends are in couples and they literally do everything together. While I'm pretty good at being able to do things alone, like go to a movie or dinner, I'm finding this so lonely at times. I'd call my best friend, but she's with the OP! :| Raising chickens.
Thanks lovelyolive.
"In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage." -- Robert Anderson
I do GAL, then it feels empty and so I fall off the wagon, then I get back on when it's brought to my attention...guess I'm a slow learner.
She's been gone 6 weeks today. If anyone had told me 6 weeks and 1 day ago that I would be here in this state of mind I'd have had them committed.
Today I'm starting to pack her things. It's such a double edged sword. One half of me is glad to be getting it done--once she has her stuff she probably won't call anymore. On the other hand, once she has her stuff, she probably won't call anymore.... Don't know if I'm ready to not hear from her again. Friends say that she'll probably find some other reason to call. Not so sure about that. People tell me she doesn't look happy, but she sure professes to be. I realized that all my friends are in couples and they literally do everything together. While I'm pretty good at being able to do things alone, like go to a movie or dinner, I'm finding this so lonely at times. I'd call my best friend, but she's with the OP! :| Raising chickens.
Thanks lovelyolive.
"In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage." -- Robert Anderson
You're not as slow of a learner as I am. After about six months of living hell.. Theo finally beat it into my head that I need to GAL.. I DEFINATEL feel better about ME if nothing else
