Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done Divorced but CANNOT "move on": Urgent Help Needed!

Hey DMW. Hope you had a good weekend.



I realized my being "helpful" really meant I didn't think xh could do those things. I got the impression from your posts you might be thinking the same way.



Absolutely. The thing here is, that if you don't completely back off, you're just confirming the idea that you're irrational and don't get the hint.



That sucks. Again, there's nothing you can do about it now. This may take a lot of time, by the way...

I'd even suggest not bringing up the subject with the kids. Don't talk about your xw at all. The point is, you want to completely drop the rope.

Whether or not you succeed in getting your xw's attention, doing these things will help you and your sanity.

There is much profundity in this simple observation of yours. My XW has never been allowed to "sink or swim" on her own, because I had always been so quick to jump to her aid at the first sign of any trouble ahead. I had become so sensitive to her history of abuse and mistreatment that I was determined to protect her from any and every possible source of suffering, pain, or injustice. (This must have been a subconscious decision on my part, because I really don't think of myself as a "controlling" personality. On the other hand, I remember being warned by her/our therapist that the roles of "rescuer" and "victim" can be reversed quickly and unnoticed.)

So, like it or not, I get to find out how well she gets by without me. Either she gets hurt--which I had always tried to avoid; or, she learns to fend for herself just fine--which means that she doesn't need me, after all. (Damned if she does; damned if she don't.)

Move on but don't give up. That is what I was trying to tell you. Go dark, very dark. Read the LRT and apply it to your sitch.

As someone said earlier, pursuit is what I see from you and as Michele tells us in DB and DR, pursuit doesn't work. That is why I asked you what you were doing having sleep overs at your XW's house?

You have to let her sink or swim on her own. Work on yourself as someone else said. Be mysterious, get a hobby, go to the gym, sign up for night classes, join a club of some kind, whatever. Just don't persue her.

That means no calls, no e-mails, no texts, no snooping, no grilling the kids for info on her. Sometimes going dark shows them that you can live without them. This can, not always, lead to them becoming interested in you all over again.

Deadman, we are in similar sitches! Your W has found a new rescuer and therefore you are all bad. It's black or white for these kinds of people. My W too had a very emotionally deprived childhood and was an adult way before her time, now she wants someone to rescue her and know her every need. I, like you, was that rescuer initially but this thing called life, kids, etc got in the way of my being all there for her, now she's found someone who is much better at focusing entirely on her. Your W has found her "special" someone also, in her lawyer who has violated all ethics to "be with her", how romantic (puke!). We both have to let them sink or swim, it's hard to do when you still care but, again, sometimes the toughest things to do give the best results. Take care.
Oh, btw, both of us need to look at why we need to be rescuers? It ain't all about them!
Last point! Love is not about being "needed", it is about being wanted by someone who doesn't necessarily "need" you, much healthier, I think nayway!!!

There's another option. You both learn how to let go of these roles, move away from the drama, and possibly start a new, more healthy R down the road. (That's my goal for myself at the moment.) You don't 'need' someone; you don't 'need' to play protector. You should compliment each other, not take turns playing rescuer.

I know that's why I'm trying to do. I just wanted to show xh life could be 'better' than what he'd gone through as a kid. In the process, I suddenly ran everything for him...you know, to 'protect' him from himself. Blech.

At first I found his 'needing' me for everything very sweet. Then, ironically, I would often find myself feeling resentful of his overwhelming neediness. It was suffocating.

And I'm tired of playing this game.

You know what?

xh is finally fully supporting himself. For the first time in his life. He's going back to school. He's doing well. And I am sooo happy for him! I'm hoping, at some point, that means we can reconcile into a more balanced, less see-saw kind of R. If not, that's okay, because I honestly want to see him happy and healthy and doing well.

Just as I had made peace with the prospect of a l-o-n-g stretch of time incommunicado, the past 3 days have brought more contact than I was prepared to deal with...

You would think that 3 weeks of solitary confinement would have been plenty of time for me to reflect upon all my failed attempts to salvage my R. During that time, I have received priceless advice from my "advisory panel" here at DB.com, and I have read scores of other books, articles, and blogs. So on Monday, when faced with a familiar problem situation, how did I respond? Like Pavlov's dogs, I slobbered when my XW rang my bell.

I saw two missed calls from XW on my cell phone Monday morning. It's probably a good thing I didn't hear them; I don't think I could have resisted answering on the first ring. Before I could give in to the temptation to call her back, she called again. She had a simple request and the call was brief and businesslike. She wanted me to reschedule our S12's Parent-Teacher Conference because our D17 was in bed with an asthma flare-up and my XW was suffering a migraine.

Before I could even contact the school, XW called back to ask me to phone in prescription refills for D17's asthma inhaler and her (XW's) Zomig. Soon thereafter, she called again within an hour to ask me to take D17 to the doctor. I received calls several times during the day. Each conversation was about either S12's schooling or D17's medical situation. The early conversations were cordial and brief, but by late afternoon, she was almost crying from stress and pain.

[I had seen her this way frequently during our 18 year marriage. When she was three, a softball-size benign tumor was surgically removed from the base of her skull. Although the tumor never returned, scar tissue and swelling have been a constant source of pain. During our time together, she was diagnosed with myofacial and transgeminal neuralgia, similar to an electrical "short circuit" within the primary nerves of the jaw. The symptoms were indicative of absessed teeth, so she endured multiple root canals which brought no relief from pain so severe that sufferers sometimes committed suicide in years past.

The onset of these painful episodes were unpredictable and rapid. I have seen it occur after she would sit too close to cold air from a car a/c, or from sleeping on a lumpy pillow which impinged upon a trigger point on her skull. Only a strong narcotic analgesic would dull the pain, and on many occasions I would literally carry her into the ER for an intramuscular injection of Demerol. (The relief was a mixed blessing; because my XW was allergic to codeine, she traded her pain for nausea and vomiting.)]

Although XW has primary custody, I am a responsible father. So, I took our D17 to the pediatrician Monday afternoon. On the way back, we stopped at the pharmacy to get my XW's Zomig. Unfortunately, I was told that they were temporarily out of stock. So I called XW to explain and ask whether I should have the Rx transferred to another nearby pharmacy.

She said, "I never asked you to pick up my medicine. I just asked you to call the refill in for me. I planned to get it myself, or else ask my Dad to go."

The only thing I could say was, "Oh. I guess old habits are hard to break."

Then, she cut the call short because she had to get ready to eat dinner at her sister's house, where her mother was visiting from out of state. (She must have begun to feel better after we left her.) She didn't even thank me for going to the trouble to try to help.

[Breaking news: While I type this, my cellphone is ringing. My XW is calling from home, but I don't answer... Doesn't look like she left a voice message, so I won't know what she wanted for a while.]

Yesterday at 7:40 AM, XW called again. (Sounded like a full-blown "panic attack" this time.) She was hysterical because our S12 had refused to get ready for school, and had run into the back yard after telling XW he hated her. She tells me that he has been combative and disrespectful ever since I brought him back after spending most of the previous week with me. (The implication being that I must have influenced him in some way to revolt against her.)

Recognizing the trap she laid, I refused to bite. Instead, in a strong but calm voice, I asked her to take the phone to our son. I told him that we would have a much longer talk later about his behavior, but for now, he absolutely must cooperate with his mom and go to school. After a tearful explanation about Mom yelling at him and falsely accusing him of hiding his shoes to avoid school, he finally calmed down enough to apologize to her.

Later yesterday morning, XW called back. Although she had calmed down, she was still in confrontation mode, blaming me for not putting S12 to bed earlier when he stays with me. I reminded her that last week was "Fall Break", a school vacation, so I did let him stay up later. But I had brought him home Sunday afternoon, so she was responsible for enforcing his bedtime since then. She complained that he had "dark circles under his eyes" from lack of rest when I brought him home. She said she put him to bed by 9:00 Monday night, but he kept getting up for various reasons, and wouldn't go to sleep until after 11:00.

That is the point at which I would usually throw a zinger at her, like "It sounds like he needs a full-time Dad in the house." But, I remembered what you guys said about 180s and trying something different than what hasn't worked in the past. So I said, "I'm sorry that you have had such a tough week. I know how worried you get when (D17) is sick. And I will have a serious talk with (S12) tonight about his temper. He knows that I will not allow him to disrespect either of us."

She replied, this time in a friendlier tone, that I needed to be careful about making comments regarding our R when S12 is within hearing range. (At least she backed off her earlier insinuation that I had deliberately brain-washed him against her.) At this point, I remembered reading in one of Michelle's books that couples tended to rehash the same old arguments repeatedly during a troubled marriage.

In the past, I would have become defensive, denying to my XW that I had been carelessley talking in front of the kids about "off-limits" subjects. I had been down this road before with her. Last time we had this argument, I had told her that S12 was plenty perceptive enough to understand what had happened between us without me trying to influence him. I said that she underestimated him, and that she seemed too eager to blame me anytime either child makes a comment about missing "Dad".

Well, I knew that approach had been futile in the past, so I stopped myself this time. Instead, I asked X whether she thought I should find a family counselor for our son to talk with. Her answer was noncommittal, so I told her I would ask around at church for a recommendation. She didn't object. I ended the call quickly, being sure to leave her on friendly terms.

Next, I need a critique about last night's face-to-face encounter at her house. But I'll post that later...

(Sorry to be so long-winded; I sometimes write just for the cathartic relief.)

Told ya she'd call, sooner or later.



Normal. Don't expect it. Just shrug it off--she did ask in the first place. That's a good baby step. Remember, right now we're just aiming for cordial interactions. (Even if they are business-like!!)



Awesome job with validating! This is a great habit to get into.



She is absolutely right. Sometimes kids pick up on unsaid things, or even just your feelings. You may even be saying/doing things without realizing it.




In my experience, xh and I have arguments and viewpoints that will never be resolved--because we are two different people. I have learned that this is okay, to be expected, and not necessarily a bad thing. The trick is to learn how to redirect these fights or let them blow over.

I see a lot of positives here. Keep at it!

DMW,

I'm glad you at least listened to some of the advice. It may have been put harshly, but it wasn't wrong.

You are mistaking, "moving forward" and "moving on", as giving up. You seem to think that if you acknowledge that you will more than likely (yes, more than likely) never be with your XW again that it will happen; that somehow if you keep wishing and hoping for it to happen that it gives you a better chance. No one said to give up hope or give up. What was said to you is that you have to move forward. You do. If your wife was dead, would you lay down and die also? Yes, grieve this loss, but don't make the mistake of not using this opportunity to better yourself. Look at the things you did wrong in the relationship. Look at how you communicated poorly. Look at how your life currently is. Isn't there room for improvement? Isn't there more that you want out of life? You know, DMW, that moving on doesn't mean you can't ever be together again. It means that you are going to take this time to be complete on your own. Your wife never had the ability to complete you/make you whole. You need to be satisfied with your own life without her and then be willing to share your wonderful life with her, if she later wants to, and if you still want her. There are people that pine away for years and years after divorce and just waste those years that could have been spent on more meaningful and fulfilling pursuits, like bettering who you are or enjoying life a little more. Life is good DMW. Take the time to discover it. I know you think you'd make the ideal partner for your wife, but you're wrong. You aren't ready for a relationship with her....because you haven't done the things you need to do to have a fulfilling life without her. If she came back now, she'd be driven away again because nothing has changed.

Awesome job validating - and excellent job telling son he needed to behave. I think you did everything right. Good job.

Ellie

Sorry, but that is not something that I'm willing to acknowledge, at least not this early in this process. Not (as you suggest) because I feel the need to "wish and hope in order to improve my chances." No, the reason I won't make such an admission is because I do not believe it.

Understand, I'm not relying on blind luck or simple wishful thinking, or some delusion that I know how to "beat the odds". I actually, sincerely believe that my XW and I are just not that far apart! I'm certainly not naive or blind. Only a fool would not recognize the reality of my situation:
. [1] She left home and refused to return for an entire year.
. [2] Despite my best efforts, she filed for divorce--which has been legal for more than another year.
. [3] Finally, she filed a complaint in Family Court to keep me away from her.

Based strictly upon those facts, most men probably would put the whole painful experience behind them. But then, there's the rest of the story... (I love how Paul Harvey says that.) The rest of the story includes the fact that my XW was treated for 10 days at an in-patient mental health center for a "dissociative disorder" about 10 years ago. Several neurotic events precipitated her hospitalization, including the advent of irrational fears of abandonment, and delusional beliefs that I could not be trusted--yet she took near-strangers into her confidence, and was victimized as a result.

The other mitigating factor is that during much of the preceding two years, we were on very good terms. As in, I lived with XW and kids for several months during our separation and again after the divorce was final. Most of that time was harmonious, even including occasional LM. It was during one of the most peaceful few months that we had experienced since XW first walked-out eons ago that I learned of her on-line dating profile and subsequent parade of new man-"friends".

Oh, and there's also the events of this past week--culminating in tonight's bizarre scene in my XW's bathroom. She asked me to bring her a cup of iced tea into the bathroom while she took a hot, leisurely bath. She asked me to stay and talk to her while she relaxed in the tub. This, just weeks after testifying in Family Court that I represented a physical threat of violence to her!

Do you begin to see why I believe that ours is a unique situation?


Absolutely. After all, I have nothing but time on my hands now. I have already decided to enroll in grad school online. No better time than the present to earn an MBA.


I do believe that you've hit on something here, in spite of yourself . You're right, but at a much more fundamental level than you realize. What I have not mentioned in any of my posts so far is that I have been unemployed since this past July.

For most of our marriage, I was employed and well-compensated by The Boeing Company. In 2002, Boeing merged with another aerospace mega-corporation, McDonnell-Douglas. As occurs after most such mergers, there was significant duplication of workforce, policies, and facilities. As a result of corporate "streamlining", hundreds of positions were eliminated or outsourced--including my IT job of 15 years. I was laid-off in 2003, and life has never been the same since.

That layoff threw our lives into a long, stressful, period of financial instability which ended in a Chapter 7 bankruptcy. The market for the career field in which I worked (IT Support) bottomed-out, not just in our city but nationwide. Corporations slashed their in-house Tech Support staffs, instead "outsourcing" the work to the lowest-cost contractor. Many of the jobs simply left for Mexico and India. Those that remain are taken by "independent contractors" who work by the hour for "job shops". There is virtually no employment security; instead, short, closed-ended (30 days to 6 month) "assignments" are the norm. Gone are benefits like health insurance and retirement plans.

This chaos has been a major factor in our marital problems. My XW needs stability and predictability. We had lived comfortably (not extravagantly) for 16 years. Payroll direct deposit every other Friday like clockwork. Living within our means was not difficult, since we knew exactly what our income and expenses were. We automated most of our bill payments. My XW knew how much she could spend on niceties for herself and the kids, and we always took at least one annual vacation.

Contrast that scenario with today's sorry state of affairs: I'm constantly searching for contract assignments which aren't too far from home to be profitable. (Most contracts don't provide reimbursement for travel expenses.) My intermittent "cash flow" crisis would stress most people--especially a housewife trying to keep the kids fed and utilities on.

So, I have no illusions about how to "attract" my XW back to me. It's simple: Go back to school, then grab myself a decent paying salaried job as quickly as I am able. Now, do you understand my sense of urgency? I hope and pray (frequently) that I can stall my XW from hooking up with her lawyer/lover, or the anesthesiologist who just recently contacted her, or the guy who owns his own insurance agency. Those candidates fall far short of "the ideal partner for my wife" in so many ways! But, I'm not sure I could blame her for taking a long, hard look at each of them. Because when we start comparing checkbooks, I'm the one who doesn't measure up.