Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Going to talk with W on Friday (9/28). Help!

It's not my intention by sending this to try and win my FIL over my side, actually.

I feel that I honestly need to apologize to FIL for the way I acted, and the emotional pain I inflicted on his daughter.

FIL's a good man, and I hurt his daughter. I respect him, and I think I feel that owning up is the right thing to do. The reason it's a letter is because he lives 2.5 hours away...and, I don't know how coherent I could be on the phone (Plus I've totally used up my non-Verizon minutes this month anyway, so I can't make phone calls :P ).

At least, what I wrote in this post is the intention.

First of all -- does he know that W has left and you guys are separated?

If not, I wouldn't contact him until he knows, if at all. And, even then, I would go sit down with him in person. 2.5 hours on your day off (since you don't have kids) isn't that far.

There are certain things I would take out, revise, etc, if you were to send him the letter though. I don't have the time tonight to go through and address these things in detail, but really sit on this and get some more feedback before you committ to anything anyway. We have all been at the place you're at right now, and I'm with the others when they say sending the letter is likely not in your best interest.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but I feel it's best that you do.

Take care -- I'll post more later.

GD

I wouldn't send the letter. It will more than likely just infuriate your W. No one in her family needs to be a part of this process. Getting them involved, in my opinion, is one of the bigger no-no's, regardless of your intention. Save the letter for when you no longer care whether you reconcile or not, then you won't have to care if it hurts or helps your cause.

*sigh* This is really hard.

I do WANT do send the letter, but you folks're prolly right.

I suppose that W would get angry though... probably would think I'm chasing.

I still care if we reconcile.

I just feel so damned adrift right now. GAL and LRT are in motion here, but she's getting an apt and such.

The damnedest thing is, she's still nice to me - mostly, anyway. And, she said in a convo "I value you, and part of me will always love you"...crying alot there, too.

So, I'm frakkin' confused. She's moving forward with conviction but still sad about the ending of this. And she even thinks/thought that C WOULD allow us to reconcile - but that there'd be problems in the future.

So, WTF?

You are getting too impatient. She wants out, for now, and so it makes sense to get an apartment and move forward. And at each step you look at it like it's the end because she isn't moving closer to you. It will happen if it happens. My wife got her own apartment and spent almost a year in it. We divorced. That looked fairly hopeless too, but we ended up back together, and I think much better than we were before. It takes time. She and you both have things to work through. So work through them and be patient. Make the most of interactions without expectations that it means she wants to get back together. Enjoy the things that you do have.

Me

As much as it sucks, you are in a marathon if you want to reconcile with W. You must consider that reconciling will take months, possibly even years. Patience isn't a virtue here -- it's an absolute necessity! So, WTF can you do? You can keep working on your changes. Have you determined all of the behaviors you exhibited that contributed to the breakdown of the M? If so, have you been working hard on changing those behaviors? Finally, you have to understand that W will not believe those changes are genuine right now -- it will take at least 10 weeks (according to DR) for her to even consider that your changes are sticking and will remain consistent for the long run (and honestly, it will probably take longer than that). If you can keep the changes going and make them permanent, and show her that you are a new and improved person even AFTER the D, she will definitely begin to believe you have changed. Maybe then (if not sooner) she will begin to consider giving you another chance.

Also, please remember that you can't verbalize that you're changing, that you've changed, etc. You have to simply SHOW HER whenever you're around her (gaming nights will work well for this). You can't verbalize it because then it seems that your motivations to change are ONLY to get her back (insinuating that you wouldn't/won't make the changes for you because it's better for you). The changes seem artificial when you do it that way. Another way to SHOW her your changes without her being around is to SHOW them around your mutual friends. Be that new and improved guy around those who will also be in contact with her at some point. If they see your changes, they may very well comment on them to W.

Doing these things -- being ultra patient, stopping the chase, making your changes genuine and permanent over a long period of time -- will show W that you A) respect her needs, and B) have had an epiphany about yourself and who you want to be. They will plant seeds of doubt in W's head that tell her, "Maybe there won't be problems in the future if we reconciled. Maybe he can change, or already has. Maybe...". Does this make sense?

It's difficult to be patient right now because this is all so fresh for you, but you really must consider the benefit of it. Focus on you, your changes, and giving W the space she needs (and not doing things out of spite regarding the D that will come back to nip you) -- this will give you the best chance at reconciling (pre or post D), and will also make you a better, stronger, healthier person.

Oh, and please don't mail that letter. It was healthy for you to write it though -- just file it away. Journaling feelings without sending them is sometimes the best medicine.

GD

nice post GD.

Just_Me, GD -

Thank you for your posts. I'm going to read them several times over (even leave this window up for later, when I don't have a 'net connection during downtime at work, so I can read them). You've given great advice, and I really need to let it sink in.

I won't be mailing the letter.

I think that there are two things that are making this very difficult for me:

1) From November 5, 2001 to September 14, 2007, we saw or talked to eachother almost every single day. Even during summer-separation at college, we called daily, even if just to say "goodnight".

So, when W left, and we pretty much have no contact except for 1 day a week, it's such an abrupt absense it's like the suction of a large ocean-liner sinking. I try not to panic at that thought, but it's testing my resolve a lot

2) I'm a writer. The rambling length of my posts sort of reflects this. As such, I have a wonderfully and terribly (over)-active imagination. Normal folks minds deluge them with all the possible problems or things their spouse might be doing. I see them in vivid technicolor, with scene setting and dialogue (including mental talks w/ W about R stuff and material things).

In addition to that, I'm a gamer/roleplayer, so that adds to the "imagination factor".

Essentially, I have to regularly kick my brain in the ass to get it to stop churning out total crap - or, things that are almost certainly total crap Example: she's found another guy and wants to ditch me fast; totally unlike her, so I shouldn't expect it. But, here I am, seeing a guy who's taller and more physically toned then me. Stooopid gray-matter.

She's not the type to intentionally hurt me. So I need to stop thinking she will.

And I need to buckle down with the patience. And the GAL - which will become gobs easier if I get the job I interviewed for. heh. I really need to get that job, especially after this week at work. *shudder*


Seriously, guys, thanks. I really appreciate it.

-MM


p.s. for some really cool wedding costumes (we did a period wedding) check my link in my sig. . . I put it there for something of a reminder of what I'm fighting for, after I saw a similar link Nugget's sig, and I really liked the idea.

Just thought I'd quickly comment that we have another thing in common besides the age and Daily Show -- I used to teach high school English. Always enjoy meeting like-minded individuals -- I knew there was a reason I was drawn to post to you!

Your doing really well for being where you are, MN -- let that continue to motivate you to do even better!

GD

Just Me,

Yeah, I noticed we were both on the same page regarding patience after my post.



I've learned from the best!