Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Now I've done it.... again #4?

You ladies almost sound like you are encouraging me...

I am really close to actually doing this. I am soooooo tempted!

I keep asking myself this question "Will this get you closer to your goal of reconciliation?" Not sure. Might cause a fight over there, at least discomfort and ruin their weekend. However, they will ban together to hate me--not good.

Then I ask myself, "Are you sure you want reconciliation?" I'm not really sure anymore. We are doing just fine without him. In fact, we do better with no contact then we do with some contact. S2 stops asking for him. He actually gets upset if he hear's H's voice and says "No no Papa. No Papa". He gets really worked up sometimes When he does see H and H leaves, he is abandoned all over again. He starts acting out for a few days, asks about him constantly, and is just super emotional and insecure. I hate limbo back and forth stuff for me, but I especially hate what S2 goes through. S9 is soooo ecstatic that H is no longer here. D never really bonded with him. I know eventually S2 and D are going to want their father, but I am wondering if I really want him back.

Here's my con list:

1. He lies (not just the A. He has broken S9's toys, sold S9's videos, and destroyed other property of S9, then denied it).
2. He cheats (the A)
3. He steals (S9's videos)
4. He has physically assaulted both S9 and myself
5. He has emotionally abused S9
6. Now he subscribes to Adult Entertainment Websites
7. He has abandoned his children

Pro list:

1. Ummmm........
I used to have a list, but I don't see those things existing anymore. They were replaced by all of the above.

So why don't I just seal the deal? Why don't I just give one last piece of my mind?

Because I am a bigger person than that? I really am not sure that I am. I am really fuming today. I think smoke is actually coming out of my ears.

Seriously, the only thing that is stopping me is that I am not sure if there are any possible legal reprecussions. Can it be considered harrassment? Can I get in serious trouble? I don't want to jeopardize custody with my kids, not that I think H wants them full time, but still.

Don't do it, don't contact her or him. It won't feel as good as you think it will when you are done and yes, it could cause some serious problems. Probably not with custody issues, but H could really backlash and be more angry with you. YOU are the better person, YOU are above giving them the time of day. YOU are carrying on and living a morally sound life. Do not get involved.

HUGS!!!

I am scared to make a list because I feel the cons would take up pages and I would be stuck on the pros, like you.

I agree with LWB. don't do it. It won't get you anywhere, and it just shows both of them that they have power over you. Turn your back on them.

Thanks, lwb. I forgot about that aspect--that I might feel crappy and regret it after (like when I left that nasty v-mail about the porn...).

OK, that does mean something. Living a morally sound life. That is the real difference here. Sure, he might be out having fun, but he is the one really giving up a lot here. All I'm losing is him, and I just finished saying that maybe that's not such a horrible thing after all.

"Feelings are not facts.....My chief task therefore, is to keep my thinking true and my behaviour sound and go by what I KNOW, not how I FEEL."

Sorry Neph....didn't mean to egg you on.

Go by what you know....live a morally sound life. You know that will make you feel better in the long run.

Wow, Casey, thank you. I'm going to post that around the house. I need to beat that into my head... over and over again

btw, everyone. I finally saw OW. She does exist, but he still says he is not having an A. He just sits at the school all day and then drives off with her. I sat outside the school for two hours on Wednesday, then confronted him once again. He still denies, but, apparently, OW is so afraid I am going to do something to her now that he has been calling non-stop. Actually, he called a lot Wed and Thur. No calls today. I would not answer his calls. I picked up once and gave the phone to S2. That's why I have been fuming. Part of me was still in denial-hoping I was imagining everything like he kept telling me, despite the phone calls and everything.

I didn't want to get yelled at for snooping again, but if I can't be honest, I can't really work through things completely. I felt I needed to do this, I really did. I just couldn't fully deal with things if I wasn't sure. I needed closure, I guess. He can't lie to me anymore. He can't manipulate me by making me think I am crazy and paranoid-that I created all of this. I finally saw her. I finally saw "them." They are a "they". They are not "just friends". Friends don't break up families. Friends don't keep men from their children.

Their R may not be based on anything substantial, but it is an R all the same. It is an R that has torn lives apart. It was weird seeing them together, her leaning on our van like it was hers while they talked on the street. It was so bizarre. I know he used to be my partner, that we used to talk and just be together. He looked like a stranger to me, just as much as she did. They were just a couple on the street trying to decide where they would go for dinner. We hardly exist anymore. I'm sure he would take a do-over if he could. Maybe I would too (as long as I could keep the kids). I just wish he hadn't toyed with me last week with the gifts. I was doing so much better. Now I'm hurting all over again, and I have these material objects as constant reminders rubbing it in my face.

I want to throw this computer against the wall, but, alas, I will not (at least not today).

Acutally Neph,....the whole quote is as follows:

Feelings are not facts. My feelings can be stirred as much by imagines as by real causes. Between a feeling and a fact there is always some (at least implicit) thought; and the more disturbed I am the less my feelings are related to reality. My chief task, therefore, is to keep my thinking true and my behaviour sound, and to go by what I know, not by how I feel.

It is from the Blue Book which is a book of things like that. It is part of the GROW program which is a mutual help support group that originated through mental health recovery but has extended to assist anyone going through difficult times. I don't know where you are but you might like to google it and see if there are meetings in your area. It helped me greatly for about 6 months.

Neph, Neph. Um, I am not sure what to say. OK. No more snooping. Second, do not make any contact with O?W because the power thing is true. If OW does exist as you believe than any contact will make H protect her and H needs to protect you and your kids. There are ways of turning the tables so that he comes to your defense and OW is the perp.

Send a "you" message from now on.

"You must have felt very empty to leave your home and your integrity."

Do not send OW any messages. You need to be the enigma to OW. No one can compete with the wife. Wives are always the irreplaceable, beautiful, tragic, mothers with the stronghold to entice the H's back away from the OW. Wives are the favored ones of the family and the friends. Stay beautiful and mysterious. Maybe one of the reasons WS's have affairs is because WS feel they have low self esteem as if we are too good for them. Let OP suffer not knowing. Seriously, rise above that Bullshit.

It must be extremely real and enraging to see them together but they have been together in reality dozens of times already. It is meaningless. OP are not the focus or the issue. They are interchangeable nothings, pawns in aiding a MLC. If you must know they are together, than they are together. These affairs only last a while and they go out in a blaze usually. Do not assist in making it last longer by pushing them together with negativity and snooping. You are going to have to DB like crazy now.

It is good that she is afraid of you. remember you said the same thing when you were young and naive. I am sure you were lied to and so is she. But somewhere mixed in the truth is your lost H. Our lost Hs! They truly felt that we kicked them out and they sought solace elsewhere. The question is can we offer them solace now?

They are too afraid of that answer too.

Right now, I don't have DB in me. Right now, I hate him and don't want anything to do with him--ever.

However, I know that feelings change. So I am trying to just not do anything at all while I deal with my anger. I don't want to do anything I'll regret. I have been completely dark since Wednesday (not that long, I know). I haven't even sent kid pics or voice notes like I used to--absolutely no contact.

I don't regret seeing them. I don't regret letting him know I saw them. If it pushes them closer together, well so be it. He is her problem now, not mine. Let them try to "protect" each other from the imaginary threat that they think I am. I will be living my life in freedom without fear.

It's raining here. Maybe the kids and I will bake some cookies, play a few games, and watch a few videos.