Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? There and Back, # 9

locked up yet another. gee, lwb, think you have the magic touch still. lol. j/k link: there and back # 8

wow, is it dark and rainy today! still, hoping it will rain, rain, rain, now, and then be fine for the weekend so those of us meeting up aren't walking around boston in the stuff.

good day planned. gym this morning, then after S5 gets done with school, going to put together "boo" bags. do those of you with little kids do this with your nieghbors/friends? last year was our first year, although I remember my sisters and their kids ( a bit older than mine) doing it. sooo much fun. very cute. and i know the kids will have fun with it.

other than that, well, its a rainy day...will read stories, maybe watch a movie, play, probably bake something. didn't quite finish my book so if the kids are occupied, I might just go ahead. I should do some housework today...but I might put it off till tomorrow. shhhh.

Morgan--
It sounds like good plans for a rainy day. I looked at the weather--it doesn't look good for no rain...
What time are you getting to the city? I think my friend is going to come in with me; we'll take the kids to the aquarium during the day on Saturday, then she'll take them to the movies or something while I meet up with you all.
I'm off to work...

hope I don't jinx it, but right now they are calling for the rain to end by friday. fingers crossed. cool/windy over the weekend, but (knock wood) no rain. so we'll have bad hair from the wind, but won't be drowned rats....I'll take it.

I'm so glad you are coming, donna. the aquarium is so much fun! an alternate, if you haven't been, is the science museum. very fun. we are members and go often.

meant to add, H just called and he's coming by tonight, so guess I'll have to sneak a little housework in after all. lol. will hold off on the gym till tonight while he is here, so guess that will be the trade.

oh god. just got this e-mail from H.

By the way…S5 told me last night that they need to find a new Daddy that will live with them all the time. Obviously I was crushed and did everything I could to not break down in front of him. I am not telling you that to upset you or look for sympathy as I guess I basically deserve anything I get. But I was somewhat speechless and didn’t know how to respond so was wondering if you could mention to your therapist at your next session and ask for any suggestions on how to deal with.

okay, H just wrote me that he would like to borrow oprah (I mentioned I had taped it and it was about dealing with divorce/children). I have yet to watch it, because I just don't have the heart to yet. I will, just haven't. I told him he could borrow it.

for those who watched, is there anything on it that is not good for me to have him see? does it present divorce as okay and such? not that I think divorce always is a bad thing, but I really am not sure him watching a show that shows divorce as super cool and such to be a good thing right now. I know parts of it were hard, from what I've heard (kids who were abandoned by their mom), but for the normal, everyday divorce stuff, I guess is my question. is it okay to give to him, or should I say it didn't tape or something?

Wow, I can't believe S5 said that to him??!!! Let me know how that unfolds. That is heartbreaking for your son, a little bit sad for your H (I am siding with your son's sadness a lot more, of course). I hope the rain lets up.

Sorry about your locked thread.

I didn't get to watch the whole thing, but there were some very poignant interviews with the 2 kids who's mom left. They were crying, years later, for them. The doctor told them that yes, they deserve to have 2 parents in their lives, but as long as they had this one wonderful dad, they would be alright.

It was definitely something that would make WAS's uncomfortable, I think...unless they only hear the positive message sent to those LBS's that they can help their children alone. That is what my H came away with after the mandated parenting course.

{{{{{morgan}}}}}

thanks, donna. I guess I'm going to give him the tape. if he further helps him justify his actions, well, he'd figure out how to do that anyway. and if it maybe helps him dealing with the kids even a little bit, that might help, too. we'll see.

lwb, it is hard to hear, but its almost good that he finally hears some of it...I get it daily. still, it sucks that my kids are in so much pain and having to go thru this at all.

I forwarded H's e-mail from this morning, re: s5, to my friend (a therapist, not my therapist, so she says things very differently than my therapist would or she would to her own clients). I thought I'd go ahead and post her reply to me, in case any of you are dealing with kids and it might help. some of the stuff is obviously personal toward my situation, still, keeping it in.

Ugh - that hurts...

First, let me make some suggestions. When the children say things like that the first thing to do is repeat back to them what they said - word for word helps - but when you say it back to them you phrase it as a question. IE...so you need a new daddy to live with you all the time at the house? Then keep quiet and let him talk - this way he can clarify what he means. If he simply says "yes" it is helpful to say something like - "It seems like you have been thinking a lot about this." Again, let him talk. And again, if he simply says "yah" say, "This seems to be a really hard time for you. I am wondering if you are feeling sad or mad about not having a daddy live with you all the time." By now he might be willing to talk more.

Okay - so let me put in my two cents about therapy for the kids...it doesn't have to be long term - but clearly I am thinking that it wouldn't hurt. Just a thought (not yelling at you as much as I am yelling at H).

Now for the yelling...I KNOW THAT H IS TRYING TO BE GENTLE AND FORWARD THINKING (OKAY, I DON'T KNOW BUT i CAN GUESS IT) BY ASKING YOU FOR HELP...BUT DON'T YOU FIND IT A BIT CUMBERSOME AND ANNOYING THAT WHENEVER THERE IS A PROBLEM HE ASKS YOU TO SOLVE IT? ...ASK L (your therapist) HOW TO HANDLE THIS? WHY DON'T YOU HUSBAND DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH AND HANDLE IT...FOR PETES SAKE, BE A MAN...L IS YOUR THERAPIST MORGAN, NOT HUSBANDS OR THE KIDS...I AM SLAMMING ON THE KEYS I AM SO PISSED OFF AT HIM...............

OKAY, I am a bit calmer. Seriously though. I just can't stand how he is choosing to f#ck up people's lives - kids included- and then not take any responsibility. Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. I swear Morgan, it gets harder and harder for me to send prayers his way- but I still will do it because I know it is what you want...but gosh darn it, he needs to take some responsibility. He could certainly call a therapist, go see a therapist...oh here I go again. You get the point.

Ugh, very frustrating. Really, he can't be THAT good in bed, can he? And if he is maybe you can't really blame ow:) Just kidding.