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Hi All,

I need some advice. The full story of my sitch is in Newcomers and is called "It'll all reveal itself eventually"

My h pulled the pin on our marriage last week in a counselling session but still wants us to be friends. We were doing street latin dancing lessons which I had been wanting to do with him for years adn he finally agreed to do it. Now he says he really enjoys it and wants to continue doing it.

However, our dynamic in the past has been to break up and then kinda get back together and at the moment I feel that it is important to treat this as a final breakup and cool the contact for a couple of weeks. I hurt and I don't want to hurt anymore by letting him have his cake and eat it too.

How do I say I don't want to do dancing lessons with you for the next few weeks until we get things settled. I hope that we can eventually be friends (and I truly believe we can be good friends) but I just don't trust that he understands what a marriage break up means. I guess I'm saying that I want to go reasonably dark to protect myself but I don't want to jeopardise our future co-parenting relationship and I don't want to cut him out of my life completely. I'm just tired of hanging off his every word and hoping that he'll change his mind and change his behaviour.

Am I being petty or am I being reasonably in protecting myself from further pain?

Little bump guys. Help please???

Do you want a divorce?

you know your H better than us -- will going dark get his attention or push him further away?

If you want to go through this whole DBing thing, you're opening yourself to an entire world of emotional pain (lots of growth to, but it hurts like hell -- at least for me).

Haven't read your sitch, but are you clingy? Have you been the one to push for reconciliation in the past? Do you need him, not want him? If so, maybe detaching from dancing lessons would be a good thing. On the other hand, that regular contact is something many of us would kill for. It's an opportunity to connect and have fun together. No definitive advice, but which one is the 180 for you?

Rushing to a meeting. Hope that made some sort of sense.

BD

What is his reason for wanting a D? Is he friendly to you when you see him? Are you living in the same house? Maybe I should go read your sitch first, but I don't think some of these S do understand what it means to end a marriage. I could have written most of your post myself, b/c my H has said some of the same things. He says we are still going to be best friends and do everything together. He still wants me to go to his family gatherings and he go to my family Thanksgivings...but not until I get over him. WTF, if you want all those things with me, then why end it?! Anyway, I sort of know how you feel and maybe it would be best to stop the dancing for the time being and tell him you need time to sort through all this. You can't just go from W to friend just like that...no one can!

"you can't just go from W to friend just like that...no one can"

I like that a lot. That's a phrase I can use on him to explain why I can't do the dancing thing right now. Not going dancing doesn't mean I hate him or want to hurt him. I just hurt too much and I 'm tired of getting confused about what he wants.

Gotta dash to the gym before work.

Thanks heaps guys. I will reply to other questions later.

Mwah!

I think some time clearing your mind will help bring things into focus. When in doubt don't make hasty decisions, do nothing. If you feel not dancing is the right choice, then don't. I would tend to think that he has to get used to the idea of life without you. Looking back at my sitch, I don't think I did this enough, I was there for her while living in the house. We are not done however, just looking back at the year in review.

Do I want a divorce?

Not really. I believe in trying adn trying. I believe that marriage doesn't always mean romantic passionate love all the time. I believe it means acceptance and honesty and openness and a willingness to be the best person you can be and respect your partner (in their beliefs, their physical self, their mental health) and support that person and be prepared to accept support from that person. I believe it is about having a right to know your spouse better than anyone else does and to actively work together to build a better life.

However, with h. His past behaviour is showing that he feels ripped off in life and wants to do his own thing. He doesn't modify his behaviour to change the things that he does that upset me.

He doesn't seem to want to work on things any more. He feels that he has tried enough. I personally thought that with the dancing, that was a beginning to coming back together.

He says our outlooks and values in life are not the same. He says we don't have the romantic love any more (der!!). He says we are dysfunctional together and are better off as friends. AS husband and wife we are constantly at each other's throats because there is so much expectation.

So, I will clarify my position. No, I don't want a divorce. However, until he decides that he wants to change and will actively work towards fixing the relationship, I don't want to be in an intimate relationship with him. I hurt too much. So, bottom line is I guess that I think we need to separate completely for a while and should probably divorce. Everything else I have done has not worked. maybe we can have a good relationship post-D.

Hi Heimlich, yes I am clingy. I have been the one to push for reconciliation in the past. He has pushed for reconciliation a couple of times directly after a bomb from him (eg after he revealed a one night stand, and again after he revealed (several months later) that the one night stand was actually an EA that included sex once and was with someone I knew well, and again after I tried to end things because I believed he was developing an EA with someone else (he denied this) and etc etc).

I think going dark for me will freak him out a bit to start with but then I think that he'll treat it as 'fine, have it your way' and go dark on me in return. I don't want that for my d's sake.

I think I have 'needed' him in the past. I'm not so sure I 'want' him any more. I don't feel good around him. I get anxious, I turn blonde.

You did make a lot of sense. Thanks for your input. That's what I love about these forums, you can get lots of different opinions and take bits of what you think will work for you. I also get to hopefully get honest opinions.

Hi not an ex yet!

He hasn't mentioned the word divorce. I don't think he really understands what he is doing. Last night he called to say hello and talk to d. I asked if he had any luck at the real estate finding a place and he said the place he looked at today was really small and only a studio apartment (which is what I thought he wanted). He indicated that he would prefer a 2 b/room place so d has a room to sleep in when she visits. I pointed out that would be a lot more expensive for him adn he agreed. He then indicated that he would probably put his name down for this studio apartment but that he would probably need to stay at our house on the nights he looks after d. He asked if that was okay and I sorta mumbled yeah. I'm kicking myself now, becuase I'm NOT OKAY with that. That's cake eating, that's going to make it just that little bit more difficult for me to move on, he will have his own space but he will be 'free' to come and invade my space. Not happy about that. should I tell him I don't want him to stay here when he looks after d? I want to be able to do my own thing, have my own time to myself when he is looking after d. If I don't want to go out, I can stay home and watch DVDs by myself. If he stays over then I won't have any space of my own. I will be open to scrutiny and his life will remain closed to me. This is the dynamic that I am sick of. I tell him everythign (at least I was, I'm not going to now!) and he tells me only the bits he thinks I need to know. This invariably means that he can just give me tidbits of info and I will think he's wonderful until the penny drops and he gets guilty enough about what he is doing and then drops another bomb on me.

He still wants to have an intimate friendship with me. I interpret this as 'friends with benefits' which I am not comfortable with. I am a one-man-woman. If he doesn't want me, I will work on myself to love myself and will eventually attract someone who is good for me.

I'll have to go read your sitch notanex.....it sounds eerily similar to mine! Thanks for your words of clarification, I didn't know how to express it.