Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE I was almost a WAW (and still am-- in my heart?)

Sandi2,

Thank you so much for your reply. I would say that at times I could be verbally abusive to my XW, also very distant and seemingly uncaring. I remembered her saying may times about how she "didn't feel the love". We argued a lot and her parents didn't like me. They also don't like their DIL and they can hold a grudge forever (it seems to run in the family). She was and always has been very close to her parents. It made it difficult for me, cause it felt like the marriage was a "package deal" that I didn't really ask for. I can only hope that her parents are as judgmental of the OM as they were of me. I know that sounds mean, but it will make her realize that the problems weren't just with me.

I am very surprised with the OM sitch. I know it started while we were separated and before the divorce was final. It seems to be very serious. I've read that affairs are usually very intense. We have joint custody of the kids and she has roughly half her time to spend with him. If it continues, I'm assuming at some point one of them will have to move. I can't imagine my XW would move because of the legal issues that it would involve with the kids. Knowing my luck, the OM works out of his house. I would also assume that at some time, she is going to have some financial issues. Legal fees for divorce were very expensive - probably around $10K. She doesn't make much money and is a bit of a free spender.

I really hope to turn things around someday. I haven't had any communication with her for over a week. Our kids walk back-and-forth; we live about six blocks from each other.

Thanks again for your input. If it would be easier to communicate off the board, you could email me at the address posted under my profile on this site. My brother also has a medical condition that he has struggled with for long time (ankylosing spondylitis). I haven't read that much about your condition, but it sounds like it can be painful at times.

Take Care,

P42

Sandi2,

Thank you so much for your reply. I would say that at times I could be verbally abusive to my XW, also very distant and seemingly uncaring. I remembered her saying may times about how she "didn't feel the love". We argued a lot and her parents didn't like me. They also don't like their DIL and they can hold a grudge forever (it seems to run in the family). She was and always has been very close to her parents. It made it difficult for me, cause it felt like the marriage was a "package deal" that I didn't really ask for. I can only hope that her parents are as judgmental of the OM as they were of me. I know that sounds mean, but it will make her realize that the problems weren't just with me.

I am very surprised with the OM sitch. I know it started while we were separated and before the divorce was final. It seems to be very serious. I've read that affairs are usually very intense. We have joint custody of the kids and she has roughly half her time to spend with him. If it continues, I'm assuming at some point one of them will have to move. I can't imagine my XW would move because of the legal issues that it would involve with the kids. Knowing my luck, the OM works out of his house. I would also assume that at some time, she is going to have some financial issues. Legal fees for divorce were very expensive - probably around $10K. She doesn't make much money and is a bit of a free spender.

I really hope to turn things around someday. I haven't had any communication with her for over a week. Our kids walk back-and-forth; we live about six blocks from each other.

Thanks again for your input. If it would be easier to communicate off the board, you could email me at the address posted under my profile on this site. My brother also has a medical condition that he has struggled with for long time (ankylosing spondylitis). I haven't read that much about your condition, but it sounds like it can be painful at times.

Take Care,

P42

Sandi2,

Thank you so much for your reply. I would say that at times I could be verbally abusive to my XW, also very distant and seemingly uncaring. I remembered her saying may times about how she "didn't feel the love". We argued a lot and her parents didn't like me. They also don't like their DIL and they can hold a grudge forever (it seems to run in the family). She was and always has been very close to her parents. It made it difficult for me, cause it felt like the marriage was a "package deal" that I didn't really ask for. I can only hope that her parents are as judgmental of the OM as they were of me. I know that sounds mean, but it will make her realize that the problems weren't just with me.

I am very surprised with the OM sitch. I know it started while we were separated and before the divorce was final. It seems to be very serious. I've read that affairs are usually very intense. We have joint custody of the kids and she has roughly half her time to spend with him. If it continues, I'm assuming at some point one of them will have to move. I can't imagine my XW would move because of the legal issues that it would involve with the kids. Knowing my luck, the OM works out of his house. I would also assume that at some time, she is going to have some financial issues. Legal fees for divorce were very expensive - probably around $10K. She doesn't make much money and is a bit of a free spender.

I really hope to turn things around someday. I haven't had any communication with her for over a week. Our kids walk back-and-forth; we live about six blocks from each other.

Thanks again for your input. If it would be easier to communicate off the board, you could email me at the address posted under my profile on this site. My brother also has a medical condition that he has struggled with for long time (ankylosing spondylitis). I haven't read that much about your condition, but it sounds like it can be painful at times.

Take Care,

P42

Sandi2.

Sorry for the multiple replys. This site seems to lock up a lot.

P42

ScottyMack:

Did you ASK your wife why she cut her hair? (Maybe you already answered this and I missed it.)

Hi Lillieperl, she basically said that b/c of her neck pain and such that it was too hard to reach back to tie it up or braid it.
That may be true, but i still think that if she wanted to tick me off or didnt care, she would not have cut it. BTW, i saw a website on hairstyles on my D laptop a few weeks ago after she called me from school to ask about a paper she had saved on it.
My W has been using her laptop b/c she can sit up in bed while using the computer and it makes her neck feel better.
This was around the same time she started to treat me better, so i would say this is more to get my attention than not.
Thanks

Sandi, thanks for the response. I have to be very careful not to get too excited about whats happening b/c you are correct that it may change in the future. But i would say that she really didnt start the meds before she began to change a bit.
I need to go to the doctor tomorrow for pain in my right shoulder. I have had it come and go for awhile, but now it is starting to extend down my arm.
Dont get excited, i am not having a heart attack!! lol! When i take advil, it goes away so i am thinking it might be arthritis or something.
When i see the doc tomorrow, i will ask him about my W and if she comes in the next time, maybe he can talk to her about hormone therapy. I know my doctor very well, and he would do that if i ask. I do think that menopause is causing some problems and maybe you gals out there can fill me in on what menopause does to you. Thanks

Possible42, I'm glad you responded to me and that you said what you did about the frustration etc. in the MR. That says a lot...for one thing, you are looking back at the part you did and what she needed at the time that may not have been emotional met. That is not to say she is blameless in her part.



I can kind of identify with how you feel there with the inlaws. In my situation it was like I married the entire family and like you....I wasn't to keen on the idea. I never lived up to their expectations, apparently, and always felt like the underdog. If she had the pattern of judgmental attitudes set before her the entire time she was growing up....that will be a hard trait to break away from. She could if she wanted to badly enough. If she sees this coming from her parents where the OM is concerned....maybe it will open her eyes to your situation. I can be a miseralbe life when the inlaws are down on you.

You are doing good by not making contact and just trying to ride it out. It is going to take time, but you seem to be understanding how this thing works now. After she comes out of the MLC and the "fog", etc., you may decide you don't want her back even if she were to want to get back together with you. That happens sometimes when a man changes for the better and the WAW wants to go back home to him.....he doesn't want her any longer. Whichever way it turns out....you will be a better man and a better father to your children. I think you are seeing your mistakes with them and are trying hard to correct that now. They need a caring and loving daddy b/c this is going to be very hard on them. Try not to take your frustrations you feel toward her out on them. I know I use to do that with my own children.....so I know it is easy to do when we are upset.

Keep coming here to talk with us and vent when you need to. That will help get it out of your system. People here care about each other and we want to know how you are doing, so talk often....every day if you can.

Hi Sandi2, just a quick note on whats been happening in the last few days.
My W told me wednesday morning that she was going out to dinner with a coworker that nite, and i told her to have a good time.
It was well past 8pm and she still wasnt home and I had some neck and shoulder pain, so I went to my bedroom to lie down, as the pain is much better. I dosed off and woke up late and realized that I didnt see my W when she came home.
Oh well, I figured that I would see her in the morning.
She has been leaving early b/c of her work sitch, and I missed her again thursday morning.
Went to the doctor thursday and he gave me ultram, and wants me to go see and orthopedist next week.
I just made sure when she came home thursday nite to ask her how her day was and told her that i was having neck pain wed nite and had to go lay down.
No big deal, and she started talking about her day.
She then proceded to tell me she was going away with a girlfriend for the weekend, and I kind of acted a little surprised, which I shouldnt have done. I then said that she should go and have a good time, and then i dropped the subject.
The biggest problem with her going away is that the gal she is going with and hangs around with at work is divorced and remarried, which in itself is no big deal, but everytime my W would talk about our R in counseling, she would bring up this person and how she is doing ok and that she is such a good friend and she is helping her through her difficult times.
I dont trust this friend, and I still think that if she continues to surround herself with negativity, she well never come out of her funk.
Most of the women she works with are divorced. I can only imagine that they are telling her to dump her sob H.
Oh well, one reason my W was going away was that my S was not coming home for the weekend, and guess what? He called me a little while ago and said he was coming home b/c he has to load something onto his computer, plus he needs to study, something that he probably wouldnt do if he stayed at school.
Well my S and I and my sister no less, are going to a football game tonite and we are going to have a good weekend. I have decided that whatever my W does I cant control, so to --ll with her and I will stay positive.
Maybe I am looking at this the wrong way, and maybe my W will use this weekend to recharge and want to work on the M.
I can only hope.
Forgot to mention that i talked to the doc about my W and the D, and he said that he had wished he had known before he saw her, that he would have brought up menopause as a normal conversation that he would have. He did assure me that in the 25 years as a doctor, most of the menopause problems pass and that she would probably be herself after a while. But at least, if she has to go back to him, he can bring up the subject.
Have a great weekend, and I will talk with you later.

Hi SM, I agree with you, it sounds like that friend has way too much influcence on your W. I don't know why, but we females tend to allow other women frriends to do that to us. I hope you are mistaken about her encouraging your W to D you, but I would not be surprised....it wouldn't be the first M that that was the
casef.....allowing others to influence. I think it starts out with the women talking and crying on the other's shoulder and so forth....first thing you know, somebody is getting D. Truth be known, I bet the friend's second M isn't that great!

I am glad you and the S are going to the game. You do need to GAL and not just sit by to see what your W will do next.
I hope your pain gets better and you all can really have a great time.

I know it is hard to stay positive with her going out and you are wondering what she is really doing, but try your best to keep cool and apply the DB techniques.

Talk to you later. Thanks for droping me a line.