Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Now I've done it.... again #4?

OK, I sent the link with pictures of the kids. I didn't know what to say except "as promised" so I will let it speak for itself. I hope he doesn't take it as pursuing. I hope it doesn't push him away. I hope I played the right card.

What's the worst that can happen? He tells me to shove it. We're already separated. It can't get much worse. At least I tried and I will keep on trying.

Thanks, again, Sara for being that loving voice in the background in the middle of the night reminding me why I'm on this site in the first place.

I am certainly the middle of the night voice. I just have trouble going to sleep.

Remember when I found that very silly and romantic email exchange between my H and OW? I left a voicemail where I giggled and told him he needed to get a private email acct or else I might stumble upon an email titled "I wub you" and I hung up giggling. You should do that. It is to the point, empowering, and it takes the heat off that you snooped. Tell him to get his own bank acct that is private or you might come across a purchase from the Banger Brothers!

Hey, I have been celibate 8 months now. I may visit a naughty site myself for some toys that were recommended on this very forum by some devoted wives!

Now that I know more about your H's background I can see why his purchase may be so disturbing to you! There is a common theme in hip hop Music where the rapper boasts that his mistress does things the wife will not do any more Sometimes that is the nature of sexuality in our culture. The wife becomes the madonna, mother figure more than the whore. We cannot compartmentalize our lives like that. You are obviously a very nurturing and loving soul. Porn is about emptiness.

you know, when I first found out about H's affair I talked daily/many times a day with my friend. at one point she was telling me if her H ever did this, she would have some fun with it, bringing stuff up and such (again, a hypothetical, who knows if she really would...but knowing her, she would). so during one of H's and my blowups (this was early on), just for her, I threw in a few choice comments about how I'm sure OW does x and x. now, I love sex...love it. have fun with it. but there are one or 2 things I have zero interest in. figured at least he was getting that from ow. He was horrified that i said it...and said, in this appalled voice, that ow would never do that.

omg, I had to laugh. it was so funny the way he said it. and this is something he sure would like, so if you are going to go outside of your marriage, wouldn't you at least make sure this was on the menu?

I had my friend laughing so hard when I relayed the conversation.

morgan!! LOL Yes, in searching for OW, they need references. "Do you do X, and can I do X?" Pathetic, really, but thanks for the laugh.

neph, Did H respond to your email by the way? I love that he contacted you last night, and I think you did well with Sara's advice (she ROCKS) and sent the link. He is lost, you are showing him a beacon to find his way home.

Neph,

Hi Honey, Just want to say sorry first for your pain, In know only too well what you going through, .. I can give you some insight that I hope will help you.. but we have some things that are different..

My h never left. When I first found out there was trouble last year, I left and took the kids with me. It was probably not the right thing to do at the time, but I had to get away, even if it was just for the night. I came back the next day and I just told him to basically stay away from me, that I would stay but I need my space. He said that was fine. He also was visably upset, maybe guilt maybe him being sorry , maybe both.

I told him under no circumstances was I going to put up with him posting a naked picture of himself on adultfriendfinder. He had it immediately removed.. duh!!

Anyways.. I can tell you that my H is very highly sexual driven. Im not. Maybe twice a month for me is good. He's more like 4 times a wk. Men are visual creatures, we are emotional ones. He used to do porn surfing which most men do.. even if they don't admit it.. I just didn't want to know about it and as long as it didn't go any further than that. My H for some reason feels inadequate with me, so he was looking for someone to make him feel that way. I guess because I did want to have sex every day, he took it personally.

Some men turn to porn because they aren't getting "enough" but actually cheating is definately crossing the line. Your H sounds very confused.. for two reasons 1. he likes the "dirty girl" and can't seperate ml, to f*****ing. 2. I think he sounds insecure.

Fantasy's are fine, you don't necessarily have to tell your spouse about them. My H likes to experiment ALOT.. nothing weird though.. just toys and stuff. bringing someone into the mix or bondage.. no way. My H isn't that extreme, but if he were to contemplate any of that, we would have to part ways or definately get help in that area by a third party.

Its also what you can deal with. Its how you feel. I tried to be more open about things and try different things and that helped a lot.. especially now there is no excuse for the behavior.

I can say to you don't snoop.. thats the worse you can do, if you find it on accident that's one thing, but don't torture yourself.

Do you know for sure that he's living with someone?
Has he expressed sorrow for what he has done to you?
Has he given you some kind of reason for his actions?

you can email me anytime hun.. tem420@gmail.com if you need to talk.

Take care and hang in there.

tal

Thank you everyone.

TAL, I really appreciate you stopping by and giving me some insight. I know he is living with someone else. He admits this, but won't say where or with who. He has told his aunt it is a male co-worker. I don't believe that for a second. I know there is OW through phone bills and him admitting they were "friends". The day after he left, he signed a 2 year contract with a new phone and only called her (20 times in one day). He has recently started to show some remorse, but does not admit OW.

For once snooping has eased my mind a little. I called on the charge. It was a trial membership started Sat 2:29 PM and cancelled at 3:02 PM. Of course, even though he cancelled, he still had access for 2 days, but he did cancel. He used a new e-mail. He has traded Altruist for Truist. Sad that. He is so lost.

Im sorry for that. and I hope I helped a little. Before you can ever start trusting him again he has to come clean. You probably will never fully trust him, I still don't, it takes a long time to get to that place, and for me I don't know if I will ever be there.

I hope you are wrong, that he is not living with anyone, but if he is, you need to detach and gal.. 20 phone calls in one day! it seems he may have an addiction, affairs often are. and yes he is lost.

Has he shown any signs of wanting to work it out with you?

tal

The phone call thing is also something the younger generation does also. It is mostly one second texting back and forth. I see it all night long in the bar. It is the dumbest thing I have ever seen. My DJ is doing that with his friends like there is no tomorrow and they are mostly talking about some football game on the TV. My H does it with his OW because she is also just 23 so he is absorbed by her culture instead of ours. It totally sucks! But we must not be so shocked as it is normal to these people. And to some extent so it the whole Hoochie trading partners thing. It is permeating their generation via TV, sports, music, it is OK now to swap mates. Look at all ther role models. I dread for these hoochies.

Tal, he showed up here last week baring gifts -first a camera then a computer. He was here all day Friday setting up the PC, said he missed "everyone" and home, was thinking about coming back, was open to Retrouvaille, but declined dinner and said he was going "home" or "where he sleeps". He was supposed to come back Sat or Sun to take the old PC to his brothers. Never called or showed. Last night was the first I heard from him. I didn't speak to him. He left a text message and a voice note for the kids.

MK, I have seen my H going in this direction for a while. Since he has started working at the high school, he has become more and more like the students he teaches in mannerisms, language, and interests. Sometimes it was almost comical, then scary, because when we would argue, he started talking "Gangster" style. The first time he started with the hand gestures and language, I started laughing. I couldn't continue the arguement, I mean discussion. However, later it just got plain disrespectful. It was pointless. I was dealing with a teenager, not an adult.

MK, how are you doing? Do you have a current thread?