Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Remembering myself, Part II

ignorance"??

First, you poo-poo'd my ideas, because you had done "so much research", and I had "so little experience".
So, I took the time to detail, that i have had experience...actual direct personal experience

In your own words, you have NO experience. Speaking from a position of such alleged authority on the subject only underscores the depths of your ignorance.

When you made a flawed statement of fact about how I[and by inference, all men] would feel about a situation, I corrected you, and took efforts to explain why and how you were wrong about it...
There was no flaw. you do not know how you would feel or react to a situation that has, again, in your own words, never actually happened to you.

Yet after all that, when it came down to being faced with absolute proof that you were wrong,...

there was absolutely NO proof that she was wrong. none. emphatically stating that there was, doesn't make it so.

and I have been paying attention.

But there is no point in trying to convince you. Its quite obvious that it is impossible to convince you of anything. Any such attempt is a waste of ascii text. I must say, it is quite plain from your signature that your arrogant, self-righteous, know-it-all attitude has done you alot of good over the years. Its wearing really thin here, too.

I knew everything about pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood before I had kids. I didn't have a clue.

I really hear you on the ED issues. Actually I think it's easier to be a woman, in a lot of ways. This is only one. Most days I have tons of admiration and compassion for men who try to make their life work. On others I can barely smother the impulse to stab them with my great-aunt Auguste's silver letter-opener.

I need a quote about the cosmic balance of things.

Dom, please get down off your high horse. I made a point of saying that my comments on ED specifically DID NOT apply to a man who has not experienced it regularly. My comments certainly do not apply to all men at all times. Your assertion that my comments do not apply to you, in fact, proves my point, namely, that a man who has NOT experienced ED as a daily fact of life CANNOT understand any more than I, a woman, can understand motherhood, even though it is a daily fact of life for millions of women. Just being a guy does not qualify you to understand what goes through the mind of a man for whom an unreliable penis is a fact of life. I, as a woman, don't even understand what it is like to HAVE a penis, but I know more about ED than you do (not more about working penises, but more about ED).

I didn't mean you are an ignoramus (but of course you KNOW that I didn't mean that); I meant that you are ignorant on the subject of ED. Now you're just being nitpicky.

As for not being gracious, just put it down to being a cranky old lady who hasn't seen a good hard d!ck in 17 years! If it was your d!ck, you'd be cranky, too!

Karen

I don't often post here but do lurk and occasionally read some posts.


I think Lil may well have hit the nail on the head re your H avoiding sex if he has had problems with the waxing and waning. Obviously there may well be lots more to your situation but this one thing sent up some similarities in my own M

Dom ....you may think you know all about ED but trust me you know NOTHING compared to Lil.

Her knowledge and advice has helped me beyond any books I've read. Thank you LIL!!!!

My own H had trouble with the waxing and waning Karen describes and did a lot of avoidance for a few years. It tended to be me doing most of the initiating ..Like you Karen and he did also prefer me on top.

Eventually after one particular episode when he "lost it" he pretty much did everything to avoid any kind of sexual contact and as I was fairly LD myself plus had been resentful that I was always the one making any kind of move eventually I stopped.

You very flippantly said well he should go see a doctor...this statement alone says you have no idea just how devastating it is for any man to admit that he can no longer function normally.

Just because viagra is available doesn't mean that a man can just pop a pill and away he goes. The knowledge that he is no longer a real man unless he takes a pill first is traumatic for many men.

In my husbands case he really hoped it would go away as is the common response. He turned to porn again Karen this is possibly why your H has done this. My H actually used viagra with porn because of the fear that he may "lose it" with me a real woman.

As for the attitude that well it doesn't or shouldn't really matter as he could still give me pleasure....that made me laugh because that was my initial response when I found the viagra in the 1st place. Totally the wrong thing to say as it DOES matter it matters A LOT.

That was just something my H was unable to do ....without an erection. Selfish maybe but thats how he felt.

There were lots of other cicumstances that had led to our SL going to zero I had an op that meant sex was painful my age 55 meant my desire levels had dropped pre menopause plus I knew my H had the ED problem.

It was the occasional failures that led to a psychological ED as there was no medical reason....however once this happens a few times and then total loss more than once it becomes a HUGE hurdle to overcome.

My own H withdrew emotionally as did I and it took a lot of time and some meds L-argenine to get to the point we are now. I consider myself very lucky that we have managed to rekindle our SL and have probably ML more often in the last 6 mnth than the last 6 yrs.

Karen don't discount fear of failure as being one of the reasons why your H feel unable to give you pleasure ....know it sounds and maybe is selfish but it is more common than you'd think.

shmagic

Okay, I'm going to be honest and not at all PC here. I, personally, prefer to orgasm with something inside my vagina. If I had a loving partner with ED, I would communicate that use of a dildo or some kind of semi-fisting might be best. Also, many women report that the moment of greatest intimacy in sex for them is the moment of penetration rather than the moment of orgasm. Women like to be f*cked for reasons beyond being brought to orgasm and it's not just a simple matter of being validated for being desirable enough to cause an erection. We are talking about basic primitive desire here. If I had the choice between never getting f*cked again or never getting oral again, I would definitely give up the oral even though it is easier/quicker for me to orgasm with the oral.

Mrs. Eddie told me pretty much the same thing... after the pills were shown to work reliably.

But she also said she'd love me no matter what, and would never even consider getting a "pinch-hitter". Thankfully, neither of us have to find out if she'd still feel that way after several years of no penetration.

Jeez. OK, maybe she should have thrown a "probably" in there, since there might be a guy somewhere who doesn't really mind an unreliable wiener and who is perfectly okay with getting a woman worked up and ready to go and then maybe it works and if it doesn't, oh well, but I've never heard of him. Practically every man I have heard of with an unreliable wiener does want to avoid the whole situation as much as he can.

This is just one of a whole series of times where you seem to confuse wanting to do something with actually doing something. (Either that, or you're just overly pedantic about the difference between "all" and "nearly all") Lillieperl never claimed that all men avoid the situation... she claimed that all men with unreliable wieners want to avoid the situation, and I find her statement very plausible.

Thank you all very much... I'm truly sorry that so many of us have first hand knowledge of this subject.

Crazy Eddie:

For many of my sexual encounters, my wiener could have been missing for all we know, cause she definitely was not looking for it. I would bet that 20% of the sex I have had over the years was just me giving her oral. Honestly, if I could have real sex twice a week, and then do other things to her on the other nights, I would be very happy with that.

I dont claim to "know all about ED".
I do claim to have more "first hand experience", with how a penis feels and functions (and associated emotions thereof) when attached to your own body, than Lil does.

shmagic, I'm glad that Lil helped you with your situation. That's great. But that doesnt make her always right, or the only one with something worthwhile to say. It's interesting, how I'm the one who posted first, about Karen's H's "waxing and waning" most likely being a problem for him. Yet you somehow take this as "Lil's idea".




There was nothing flippant about it. I made no joke about it, i put no "smiley face" on that comment of mine. I in no way detracted from the seriousness of it. Sure, i made jokes elsewhere in the post, but I didnt do any kidding about that.

Of course it's a very difficult and sensitive issue for a man to deal with. Of course it can be devastating.
My point is that when a responsible adult hits personal problems... they shouldnt curl up in a ball and ignore everyone elses problems. Especially their wives'.
They should do what they can to resolve their own problems, while at the same time meeting their responsibilities to the best of their abilities.

A responsible person does BOTH.
Karen's husband is currently doing very little about EITHER.


Me posting about what Karen's husband "should do", may seem to be contradictory to my other posts, about her not having the power to change her husband. The reason I'm making a big deal about "what he should do", is to help Karen preserve a good perspective on what a positive marriage looks like.

She cant "make" him change. But she can ask him to, and encourage him to.
She has asked him to change some things before, with unfortunately little success.... That being said, I think that continuing to discuss her situation here, can help her figure out different things to ask for, that he could be more willing to do.
Sometimes, there are 10 different ways of asking for something, and 2 of them will be accepted, whereas the other 8 will not be.
Hopefully, the "alternative to dinner" idea, will be one of them that eventually bears fruit.


shmagic, I also hope that you will post more to Karen, with your matching experiences about having to be on top all the time.