Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Just found out that OW has a kid!!

I've been doing some research and there are some psychologists who say that PPD untreated can basically last forever, becoming clinical depression after the child has passed two years old. An untreated mental illness can be a key factor in an affair.

Very interesting, prodigalwife. I have no idea what kind of therapy, if any, OW had when she split with her H. I just can't help but think that there's gotta be something wrong with someone for them to make a snap decision to end their M right after they've had a baby, and if they're not coping with the child, then that'll put more stress on their M, so PPD seems like a reasonable assumption to make.

I was telling my brother about my latest discoveries, (haven't told anyone else in my family yet, but had to tell someone, so swore my brother to secrecy), and he was saying that obviously OW is just as messed up as H. If she did have untreated PPD, then that's probably true. She's latching onto H just as much as he's latching onto her because they're both completely messed up.

Well, it's only a matter of days now before H will be able legally to file for D. Oct 3rd, the big 1 year anniversary of the day he left.

We've been emailing still, just casual stuff, and the next time I send a reply, I fully intend to mention the D. I'm still trying to figure out the wording, but it'll be something along the lines of...

I know it's just about time when you'll be able to file for divorce, so this is me asking you not to. The last year has been incredibly hard for me. I'm doing alright at the moment, apart from dreading someone arriving unannounced on my doorstep, presenting me with divorce papers.

My last Christmas was completely miserable, and I don't want the next one to be quite as painful. It'll already suck enough, seeing as how my little brother will have just left to live in London for a year or more.

The absolute LAST thing I want or need in my life right now is a damned divorce sprung on me. It's pretty obvious that you don't feel you need one, having already moved on with Amy. So if you don't need it, and I don't want it, can you please just leave things be? I haven't asked you for anything in a hell of a long time, so I don't feel out of line asking for this.

What do you reckon? Is that straight forward enough? I'm trying not to let it get bogged down with emotional stuff, and trying not to sound like I'm begging or anything like that.

He leaves for Africa to climb Mt Kilimanjaro on Oct 10th. I've bought him a St Christopher medal, (he's the patron saint of travellers), and another little charm of a compass, which I'm going to have engraved with "travel safe" on the back. I'd like to give them to him in person, but don't know if I should push that, so I'll probably just mail them to him instead.

I do want to actually see him after he gets back though, so he can tell me all about Africa in person. It's been sooooooo long since I've seen him! Christmas Eve last year!! I want to see him again so bad it hurts.

Almost forgot to mention that I'm considering getting a haircut. Woohoo. Huge decision, right? I'm not just talking about a trim though. My hair is shoulder length right now, but I'm thinking of going for the really short, pixie style cut. I haven't had hair that short since I was about 10 years old! I'm also considering dying it, though I'm not sure what colour yet. I briefly entertained going blonde, (I'm a brunette), but I might go red instead. Redder than the usual browny-red, but not fire engine red. I'm hoping that if I do get to see H again once he's back from Africa, that such a drastic change in my appearance will shock the pants right offa him!

Ophelia,
do please sit on that email awhile, there is waaaaaaaaaay too much emotion in it at present (understandable), which comes thru very clearly at first read.

Any ideas of how I could re-word it BI, (or anyone else)? I can't sit on it for very long, because there are only 3 days until H can file for D, (we have to have been separated for 12 months), and for all I know he's already told his L to go ahead with it as soon as they're able to. So I have to send this within the next 3 days. There's no way I can contest a D if he wants to get one, which is why I want to get my request in before he has the chance to file.

Does he already know that you don't want a D? If he does, I don't see much of a reason to send the email.

One would assume he knows. He knows I didn't want the separation in the first place, but for the last few months of our email communication, I haven't brought up any R talk at all, so perhaps he's wishfully thinking that I'm over it and have "moved on" just like he did the second he stepped out of the house. I've also done my best to stay upbeat when I've seen his parents, (they still come over for lunch once every couple of months or so), and never ask them about him, so if they mention that to him, maybe he thinks I'm over him.

He sprung a Property Settlement on me out of nowhere. I didn't even know he'd been to see a L until I got the letter in the mail. I don't want the same thing happening with D papers.

Those are the reasons I feel the need to say something pre-emptive.

How's this for a rewrite...

I know that any day now, you'll be able to file for divorce. I'm respectfully asking that you not file, and instead just leave things as they are. I'm in no way prepared to face that, and you obviously don't need it, having already moved on with Amy, so could you please just leave things be? The rest of this year will suck enough already with my little brother going to live in London for a year or more in about a month's time, so I don't need divorce proceedings lumped on top of that.

If you do ever decide to file, I would appreciate it if you'd at least discuss it with me first. I don't want to have it dumped on me out of the blue like you did with the property settlement.

Is that last bit too nasty? It was really wrong the way he handled the Property Settlement stuff, but I've never told him off for it before.

Hi there Ophelia

It's hard to not put emotion into a letter or e-mail when we feel so much. However, we must not... & I think you still have too much in there.

Personally I would not write any letter at all. I know you don't want the D, non of us want ours either...However, we have to get passed the thought of the D being the final word, it is not. The D is just paper, the D does not make the person/s go away. The D does not make YOU stop doing what YOU are doing...YOU & only YOU get to decide that.

Anyway...Please forgive...But I made a few changes for how I would write it, if it is what I wanted to do.

I know that any day now, you'll be able to file for divorce. I'm respectfully asking that you not file, and instead just leave things as they are until after the New Year. You have your freedom to live your life with Amy & make the choices that you need to make, so I would prefer that you just leave things be for now. My little brother is going to live in London for a year or more in about a month's time, so I don't need divorce proceedings lumped on top of that.

Before you do file I would prefer that we talk as adults & that you discuss it with me first.

I hope you don't mind me doing that but I just thought you were making yourself sound to emotional in your letter.

Take Care

Strange

I think Strange's rewrite does justice to what you want to get across, without sounding too emotional (which I agree has to be so hard!). Even if he files, it takes time to finalize these things, and as you've heard, divorce is not the period at the end of a sentence. It's not final...it's just paperwork.

No need to apologise for rewriting my words, strange. I was hoping someone would do just that, and I like what you wrote. It's really hard to keep the emotion out of it. I've been doing that for so long now, just replying in a friendly way to his emails, not letting on that there's so much emotional stuff built up that I just wanna explode!

I do keep trying to tell myself it's "just a piece of paper", but it's a piece of paper I don't want to have to look at or think about. I don't want to have to tell my family that I've had divorce papers served on me.