Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Remembering myself, Part II

There you go, making factual statements out of assumptions again. Not a good move, Lillie. Particularly with that whole "you're not a man" problem.

I suggest you throw all those books away, and start fresh, with a "beginner's mind". Har har


"Actually", I CAN imagine my female partner doing that, and no, it would NOT make me avoid sex altogether...if i actually believed it.

Credence in this area depends on a whole lot of things.
First and formost, of course, would be how much of a nympho(*cough*) she acted like, with respect to getting eaten out. Or some other activity, if the male partner doesnt happen to be "into that".



If a woman has spent years with a man, exclusively using penis centric lines like "I want your xxx", "I need 'you' inside me", "your xxxx can satisfy me like no-one else's", etc, etc. rather than more general "making love" terms.... there's going to be a whoooole lot of rebuilding to be done, to build credibility there.

Similarly, if all they have been doing together is primarily P/V intercourse.. there's going to be a lot of rebuilding to be done, before he believes it.

That's part of what I meant, by the man needing to "feel comfortable". He has to really believe that the woman truely values sex with him just as much, if his 'little soldier' doesnt come out to play.
Ideally, there will be SOME activity besides "the ol in-out" that he already knows that she enjoys, so that her begging him, "oh, do THAT to me nowwwww....!" will be completely believable by him.


Any teeny tiny one-time slip of, "well, this stuff has been great, but I really miss your xxxx", is going to scar him for years.

The thing is, though... a man who truely cares about his wife, will give her that chance to rebuild the sexual relationship between them, even though he will have difficulty believing it at first.

Conversely, a wife who truely cares about her husband... will put in the effort from her end to show her husband that she really does value him at times when his winkie doesnt wink... even when he is reluctant and expresses disbelief about it.

Only time, and practice, will make it "real" for him.


If the guy is more caught up with what "hollywood" tells him he should be doing in the bedroom, instead of what his wife tells him.. then obviously, he's going to have problems adjusting.

May we all be blessed with spouses that focus first and foremost, on what we tell them is important to us. In the bedroom, and otherwise.

Other worries on the man's mind:

1. What if it deflates at exactly the wrong time? Like right when her clothes come off? If she's got even a hint of "body issues", that's going to hurt badly.

2. Any failure to achieve an erection might hurt a woman's feelings, as far as the man can tell. Best to avoid the whole situation as long as he can get away with it, and hope the horse does learn to sing.

3. He might even wonder if it does have something to do with her attractiveness, her attitude, or something else about her, although he'll never breathe a word of it. If it comes and goes, and works better without pressure, it'll probably work better when he's alone, which will add to his doubts.

Oh yeah, woman on top doesn't work at all unless the column is structurally sound. It hurts, and probably carries a risk of injury. At least it felt like it might the time or two I tried it without proper reinforcement.

What that says to me, is;
"here's a guy who only cares about his wife for as long as she looks good and turns him on. All the problems in the bedroom are her fault, because he is always perfect."

I pity that woman.




Daaang.. I feel sorry for you Eddie. you've missed out there's a whole lot of variations to "woman on top", and there's a few different ways to GET there, too.

For one thing, "woman on top", does not have to mean "woman is vertical".

(Dom) I suggest you throw all those books away, and start fresh, with a "beginner's mind". Har har

Oh, the irony. It's so ironical.

Dom, you've obviously got everything figured out. I have every confidence that if you can just ignore the riff-raff you'll have Karen squared away in a few more weeks. That'll free you up to start in on somebody else and with any luck at all, this forum will be unnecessary by 2009.

Thanks, Burg.


Dom, your ideas are noble and in an ideal world without flawed human beings, they would probably work perfectly. I pray that you may continue for the rest of your life in your naive, blissful ignorance. For you, life is "oh so simple." You've got a lot to learn, my boy, and I hope you never have occasion to learn it from experience. (Yes, I am being patronizing from my aging, advanced, experienced, battle-scarred place in life.)

Lil has left the building.

ain't that the truth? {sigh}

been off-line for a few days, so I've had to catch up on the last couple of pages. Dom's first comment on "what its like" to have ed, my instantaneous reaction: spoken like a guy who has never had a problem. then, forward a few posts, and...yes, that is indeed the explanation.

So, I feel now that it is my responsibility, as a member of this community, AND as an owner of this equipment, AND as someone who as actually experienced this situation, to state the following:

Lil is right.

Dom is wrong.

In fact, I'd even go so far as to say that in all the stuff that Lil has posted on the subject over the years, I haven't ever seen a single comment that was even the teensiest, weensiest bit "not true". I haven't read her books, but I'm willing to bet cash-money that they're perfectly fine, too.

Dom, a single incident in 40 years is "nothing". When it happens regularly, repeadedly, over a period of many months, to the point of actually being "predictable"...you'd see it in a whole new light.

oh, and "going to the doc" just ain't that easy. one article I was reading recently said that they estimate that 90% of the men who could benefit from some form of ED treatment, don't. Most people who actually experience this won't even speak of it, let alone "seek help" for it.
Then there are those of us for which there isn't much help available from medicine. So these pat answers, like "well, duh, go to the doc" are just extraordinarily annoying.
and "just do oral"...that isn't always an option, either. Its just not that easy.

Thank you, cac.

"ignorance"??

First, you poo-poo'd my ideas, because you had done "so much research", and I had "so little experience".

So, I took the time to detail, that i have had experience...actual direct personal experience, that you lack, and will never have yourself...

When you made a flawed statement of fact about how I[and by inference, all men] would feel about a situation, I corrected you, and took efforts to explain why and how you were wrong about it...

Yet after all that, when it came down to being faced with absolute proof that you were wrong, ... rather than having the grace and dignity to say, "oops.. I never realized that... I was wrong..." you choose to pretend like you are still right, and that I am a naive ignorant?

I would have hoped that all your "aging, advanced experience" would have taught you more wisdom and grace than that.
Someone "your age", should be able to admit they were wrong, with more dignity.

Someone your age, should realize by now, that for a woman to claim "men are this way", in the face of a man saying, "no, not all men are this way", is worse than ignorance.

I'm sure that your books on the subject of ED gave you a great deal of comfort and help during your issues with your husband. That's great. I was just joking about "throwing out the books".. Of course they have value. But thinking that they are 100% correct in everything, is foolish.
If a book tells me, "All flowers are yellow", and I find something that I know to be a flower, and it is blue.... then the book is incomplete.

ignoring the blue flower, and saying, "nope, the book is right!" is ignorant.

Good thing I'm not married to you, then. Talk about pressure!

Caring for a woman and being able to get turned on by her are two different things. Caring for her means wanting to get turned on by her and make love to her... it doesn't mean actually getting turned on by her or being able to make love to her.

Of course knowing that your partner equates one to the other, or thinking that she might, doesn't help matters.

Fortunately, in our case, a little testing on my own with movies featuring a wide variety of test subjects revealed that (a) there was still a problem on my side, regardless of the attractiveness of the body shown to me and (b) I did have an easier time, but not nearly a problem-free experience, when I was alone and no one's feelings could possibly get hurt by my failure to perform. So it was off to the doctor I went, with a definite feeling of "if this doesn't work, I'm totally (un)screwed!"

Then you havent been paying attention.

I quoted her being "not true" at the top of this forum thread section.

I'll quote it again:
She wrote,


That is a statement of fact from her, that is plain wrong.

if she had worded it as, "that sort of thing might make you want to avoid it", then things would have been different. But she stated it as an always true fact, yet it isnt true.




Show me where I said it was "easy" for karen's H to go see a doctor? I dont think I wrote that anywhere.

What I was saying was, it is his choice whether to go see a doctor, about his problem

But meanwhile, either way he decides: he should have the decency to help his wife out with the problem of her husband not fulfilling his role of sexual partner with her.