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Hey Heim!

Thank you so much for the ebooks (all of them). I cant seem to stop reading!

C.

Heya Heim,

It sounds like my favorite butterfly is diong OK. I am glad to hear that your W is showing you some compassion.

So how is the S in the larger sense? I have not seen you update for a while. Just know that lots of people care for you and are pulling and praying for you.

--Chris

I guess thats all of our lessons for the week...stop the pursuit. I am trying to get to my personal email so someone can send me these fabulous Homer reads. Right now I only have work access and they block everything...those joykills

The kid stuff is so tough. I have to listen to the "I want to go homes" "I miss my Daddy" "I don't like it here" and she is only 4. I imagine it gets worse if they are older. I try not to take it personally and chalk it up to the transition. Although it still sucks and makes you feel rotten as a parent. And yes, when I come to get her and she runs over screeching that she missed me so so so so so much with hugs and kisses I can't help but feel vindicated from all the little digs she makes otherwise.

Chicki,
NP on the books. I've got more if you want 'em.

I've expressed to W many times that I'm not interested in staying together for the girls (not lately, mind you), so she knows that. I'm coming back to baseline with dealing with their reactions. No, don't want to guilt her into coming back for the girls, but if she were to try for them, yeah, I'd be OK with that because in a few months I have a feeling that that would be the reason I would continue to give it a shot. I was thinking on the drive back from Baltimore that I no longer consider her a trustworthy person. She has broken my trust with both the A and with deciding not to share her unhappiness with me BUT sharing those feelings with others. If she were to say in the next 15 minutes, "BD, I love you. I'm afraid I'm making a mistake," I'd be happy, of course, but also extremely nervous about how to overcome the pain we've inflicted on each other. I think we can and I'm willing to try, but . . .

Until this past Sunday, neither D had acted affected by the separation with W. I know she most likely perceived as blame/presure (and there was a little of that if I'm going to be honest here), but I wanted to let her know that this is really affecting them and this is what I'm seeing and to please be extra careful of her feelings. It wasn't like I was going GUILT GUILT GUILT if you know what I mean. Hell, i feel guilty about what this is doing to them because of my role in all of this.

Being away from her, to answer your question, Chris, is allowing me to think a bit more rationally about her -- not all the time -- and how the way that SHE acted contributed in some ways to my depression and lack of confidence in myself. I've not though a lot about that, but there's some trust issues there as well. When I needed someone to lean on and support me, she tried, but ultimately didn't. Then she decided to quit; not once, but twice. Both times without telling me how she was feeling. I tried not to dwell on that for a while, but those feelings of abandonment/disappointment/distrust will be hard to overcome. She's going to have to earn that back.

Anyway, time to go retrieve the little buggers.

BD

Wow, Heim that last post could have come straight out of my head! I know what you mean about losing the trust and being nervous if she were to come back now. As much as I want that with my H, I don't want it like this. He is undependable (is that a word?,it sounds funny) and self centered right now and there is alot of hurt that we both still need to sort out.
Hope I didn't come off as uncaring earlier, I just see so much of myself in your posts. I see how what I am doing is pushing my H away and it seems so obvious when I see someone else doing it, but I can't figure it out in my own sitch. Does that make sense? Anyway, have fun with your kiddos!

Heim,

You can either allow W to treat you with decency, normal care and concern, and NOT have it result in you building expectations and thus increasing the pressure you are putting on her, OR you can allow it to build your expectations, increase the pressure you put on W, and drive her away further.

Simply because someone treats you decently does not mean that they are considering a romantic R with you. W is treating you decently because you have given her space to do so and she is a caring person. Full stop.

What e books? Can I get in on it?

Not an ex,
No worries. Most of the time after I slip up, by the time I've posted it here, I've already 2x4ed myself. Keep the comments coming.

I really was taken aback by the reality of watching the girls adjust. They are adjusting and I know that they WILL adjust and be OK. Knowing that and living through it are two totally different things though. Feeling better about that day by day, like everything else. Hang in there WAW. I think I've mentioned it, but I don't even remember my parents ever being together except when I got dropped off -- and I usually walked in the house by myself. I was 4 too. Odds are, your D won't remember much of this and it will just become her normal. I know it sucks, but hope that helps a little.

OT, thought you were going to give up on me. Doing the best I can to give her the space from me that she wants. The longer I'm separated (hard to believe it's only been 4 weeks this Thursday); the easier it becomes. Now, the question is, after being treated like a mushroom for so long, how do you keep from having expectations when a little sunlight falls on you I know that you're right about my W and I'm doing my best to keep my mouth shut about any R stuff.

Mandy, I think I have your email somewhere, but to move things along, email me and I'll happily send you what I've got.

BD

Thanks!

Took the girls to Chuck e Cheese for their school night there (some percentage of the proceeds go to their school). I don't get headaches, but, good lord, it was loud in there. Anyway, girls had a blast. W came by to stuff their sleep aids (a largish Spongebob pillow and a cat pillow) in the car and to give them a hug. So she comes in, tracks them down and gives them both a hug and a kiss. Then she kindof lingered around me. I wasn't being rude, but wasn't leaping all over myself to talk to her. Made a little small talk -- school photos, ideas for Casey's bday on Sunday, other stuff. She was still hanging out. So, asked her about her day. Usually just get a "fine" or "good." Ended up having about a 10 minute conversation. I paid attention and asked questions instead of just uh-huhing and 'faking interest' like I used to. Anyway, nice positive step, I thought. WHo knows, maybe she was just in a good mood from getting laid by OM. Who can say.

As she was about to leave, we were standing kind of close and she kindof made a face. I said, what, my breath stink? She was like 'nah, feel like mine does. cottonmouth." I thought for a second, then said effe it (similar to what CVA wrote about Nomo earlier, how did you act around other women - confident and flirtatious), so I said, "well, I could give you a kiss and give you my opinion." Got a head shake but a genuine laugh, so, not bad there. Somewhere toward the end, she touched my arm. Hadn't done that in, oh, a few weeks. I touched her arm/side a few times toward the end as she was leaving.

Anyway, longest non-kid conversation in quite a while. She even asked me about my trip to Baltimore on the phone in the afternoon.

Backing off. No expectations.

Have kind of a invitation from someone (of the female persuasion) to meet for drinks/coffee. Thinking seriously about it.

BD