Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Depression Question

Confused-just reread my post to you the question at the end comes across to me a few hours later as a bit harder than I intended. Anyways the question frames it in an either/or false dilemma kind of way. You can certainly care for you wife's mental well being and a desire for a healthy sex life. The unfortunate thing is that the treatment of depression can have negative sexual side effects. On the good side you get to have a wife who may no longer be depressed on the negative side you can end up with a sexual desire and functioning that has been chemically altered and possibly depressed. Ultimately it's your wife's body and brain and the decision is hers as to what is appropriate for her own health. You can encourage her to find a professional if you believe that she is depressed or has issues to work on. I'm a big fan of talk therapy for individuals and couples I see no way that this would be a bad thing for the two of you to do.

Ok, I'm trying to respond to a bunch of different posts here so bear with me if this gets long.


It is no secret I can be a real ball busting beotch. I come across that way, but, I think I would astound most people IRL.
- Corri.

Come on! You're my favorite hockey mom

Maybe I was not clear in my post. In the 7 plus years that me and my wife have been together (holy sh!t, 7 years already ! ) my wife has NOT been on any medication and while early on showed signs of depression with the crying episodes, there has been nothing to speak of in the last 2 or 3 years that would lead anyone to believe she has ever had a problem.

Maybe I'm trying to get a better understanding for ME if there is any connection between her desire and her depression. Not that I can or would do anything about it. It would be up to her and personally, I'm quite happy with how things stand with her. She's the breath of fresh air that I fell in love with. She's not on any meds, she seems happy, no more crying episodes. Frankly, these scared the hell out of me. Martello wrote: There are times when you have to absolutely step away and let them be and not take on their emotions - I could NOT do this, it was and is my nature to console her.

Oh by the way, my libido works the same way: when things are stable, I am more LD, and when things are in more turmoil, I am HD. Go figure.

Actually, I did figure out why my libido works that way: When things are stable, I see my H in more of a "parental" role, and when things are more unsettled, I seem to better view him as a lover. - RJ

Maybe this goes hand in hand with her depression and maybe not. My wife grew up in the inner city of Ft. Lauderdale with a family that was not necessarily broken, just not a very loving one. From her stories, I gather that she never really new what each day was going to bring, other than instability. Her mom was an alcoholic, her dad was usually off in the Navy, which left my wife to pretty much fend for herself. All of her past relationships have all been short lived for one reason or another - - - And then some guy starts pursuing her that was born balls deep in the swamps of rural SE Michigan with a bow and arrow strapped across his back. Some guy that was tested right away by her uncontrollable emotional outbursts and didn't flinch, didn't run away, didn't abandon her. Some guy that stayed and consoled her and tried to make everything ok. I'm sorry, I like things more stable then unsettled and don't want my wife to have to travel down that road again, but have I fallen into more of a "parental" role in doing so? I don't know.

I guess my situation kind of goes along the lines of how you view your husband. I'm not sure I would label it as turmoil, but much more unsettled than now. I was in the process of building our current home when we met, we got together, moved into the new house, 2 kids later....so yes, a pretty hectic 5 years. And now that things have somewhat settled down, so has her desire. (Although my story over on HD to LD back to HD messes up the equation It's actually 3 for the last 5 days but who's keeping score right )

You sound like a really "in tune" H. - RJ

I don't know RJ, sometimes I wonder if I'm deserving of her. I put this poor girl through hell early on in our relationship due to some trust issues that I had that stemmed from my ex-wife.

Don't think for a moment that there is a pill out there thats just going to change her level of desire. Depression is much more than just a depressed libido. Living with a spouse who is suffering from depression is no easy task how much caretaking and how much you can actually do is limited. If you want to see where the boundaries between you and others are have a relationship with someone who is depressed.. I can see that if someone were in a highly "fused" relationship that a partners depression could be devastating.

I guess my question for you is are you concerned about your wife's mental health or getting laid? - Martello

Martello, No I didn't see it as coming across hard. Much of what I write comes across as being that getting laid is all that is important to me and that is not the case. My wife's mental and physical health are first and foremost on my list, anything over and above that is just an added benefit

Hmmmm.... not sure exactly what your question is for me?

As for your wife's teen diagnosis of bipolar - it's a pretty popular diagnosis these days, there are plenty of legitimate cases, but also plenty of hormone-swinging teens just trying to find their place in the world who are given the label inappropriately. Hard to know if it fits your wife or not from the little bit here.

As for how there might be a libido connection? Certainly depression depresses libido. Also many medical conditions that CAUSE depression can also cause lowered libido. For instance, hypothyroidism can cause both depression and lowered libido. (And, interestingly, there appears to be a statistical connection between bipolar disorder and autoimmune thyroid diseases.)

Also, hormonal fluctuations - in estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone - can be connected to changes in libido in women, and 2 pregnancies might have altered that.

Different methods of birth control can also affect mood and libido - has she changed birth control methods? Is she on birth control now? What was she using when her libido was good?

Don't ignore the simple fact that being a mother of two is a tiring job too and sometimes there's just nothing left to give at the end of the day. How is her libido when you take her away for a romantic weekend for two?

Ellie

Ok, I'm just going to tell you my sitch here as some insight. Think I posted to you on your LD/HD thread when you first posted it, however, I think I have some comments on the depression issue as well.

I ended up on Zoloft and now am on Lexapro. I think it helps, however, AD's are one of those things that you think, hmmmm, maybe I don't need to be on this and you quit taking it b/c you don't really "feel" the affects of an AD and then you quit taking it and realize that, yes, it was helping.

I haven't ever been diagnosed w/ "depression" really, I just have a lot of "anger" issues that I deal w/ daily. I think that's just part of my personality that I have to deal w/ though.

As far as the sex drive thing goes, my input is this and I'm going to be completely open & honest b/c I think my sitch is very, very normal and actually seems to probably be what a lot of wives are going through and there really is no "cure" I don't think except that THEY, your wife, needs to finally realize that her lack of connection & intimacy w/ you needs to be addressed and she needs to realize that she is missing out and a lot of times, there is no "bingo" moment for her so that this actually happens. In my case, we went for years just "toodling" along w/ me unhappy and not knowing why until H finally dropped the D bomb which is what turned our sitch around finally.

I got pregnant w/ our first son (now 7 yrs) immediately after we got married. I was in the military as well, but we decided I would get out so that we would not have both of us in the military w/ a child. Up to that point, I had been very happy w/ myself and of course that spilled over into my R/M, etc.

Things happened so fast and I all of a sudden was going through things I had never imagined. I had absolutely NO drive during pregnancy. In fact, it was actually "do not touch me" and I don't know why exactly this is except that for one it was very uncomfortable for me. Then after birth, first child, that is your sole & main focus.

I was not working and H was in training, etc. I was not happy, bored, etc. Things just went downhill from there. Fast forward almost 8 years and we had 3 boys, 7 yrs, 3 yrs, 19 months (well those are their ages now). The D sitch actually began last January (for me anyway).

When I was on maternity leave w/ S3, H wrote me a letter telling me he had cheated on me 3 times. Twice happened when our first son was only about 18 months and H was deployed. He had left for that deployment feeling and had been feeling for a long time rejected by me and lonely and of course felt I was not giving him any attention, just our son.

So, between that time and the D sitch, did me knowing about his A's have anything to do w/ my feelings/actions toward him? I honestly don't know. I never did go to C or anything to deal w/ those.

Bottom line, and long story short (although this isn't short), I was never happy w/ ME. I was happy, newly wed, HD, etc. and then all of a sudden living a life I had no idea was coming. Not working, taking care of a little guy, etc. Then working full-time and having 3 children.

By this time, I had absolutely no sex drive, I could honestly live w/o it. Why? No clue. At times, I just wanted to sleep. Didn't want to "do one more thing" before I went to bed. The boys were in bed, so was I. I never took the time to give my H the extra attention he needed. We never really had that 1 on 1 that we needed.

It wasn't all my fault, he didn't communicate fully how unhappy he was, but my part of it was I was not putting any effort into making sure my M was healthy.

Of course, at the time, I had no clue this was what I was doing. I will also mention that, yes, I felt a lot of resentment toward H for "where I was" in life b/c I was not happy and didn't know why and didn't know how to "fix" it.

So, D sitch happens and I realize I do still love my H more than anything, I do still find him very sexy, attractive, etc. and I want him more than anything. I realize that I have been "rejecting" him all this time and didn't realize this was what I was doing and how it was affecting him. I realized how much I was missing out on not having any sort of true R w/ my H. By rekindling this R w/ my H, I am happier and more content. I needed my R w/ my H and didn't even realize it was missing let alone that it was what I needed. I needed that "adult" relationship, not just being a mom.

Ok, obviously I rambled, but I'm hoping by letting you into my mind and how I was thinking/am thinking now maybe you can understand MAYBE what your W is thinking or NOT thinking and where she may be at. Maybe this does not even apply to your W, but it could apply to many other H's on here and where their W's may be.

I think what happened to me is very common. I honestly don't know how to fix it though. The woman needs to realize what she is missing in not nurturing her R w/ her H, but until she even realizes that is what is missing, that's not going to happen.

RedHeadWife:

Can I ask, what did you think that your husband wanted from your marriage?

I wasn't worried about or thinking about what my H needed/wanted from the M. I wasn't even thinking about what I wanted or needed from my M. I've said it before, unfortunately, the M gets put on the back burner in a lot of cases. I don't know exactly why it's the M that gets put last, but for some reason I think this happens all the time w/o us even realizing that it's happening. We just do what we need to do each & every day, and end up leading parallel lives w/ our spouse.

Hmmmm.... not sure exactly what your question is for me?

As for your wife's teen diagnosis of bipolar - it's a pretty popular diagnosis these days, there are plenty of legitimate cases, but also plenty of hormone-swinging teens just trying to find their place in the world who are given the label inappropriately. Hard to know if it fits your wife or not from the little bit here.

As for how there might be a libido connection? Certainly depression depresses libido. Also many medical conditions that CAUSE depression can also cause lowered libido. For instance, hypothyroidism can cause both depression and lowered libido. (And, interestingly, there appears to be a statistical connection between bipolar disorder and autoimmune thyroid diseases.)

Not really questions, just concerns. I understand when you say that depression depresses libido, it just seems the opposite for my wife. When we first met, she showed signs of depression but her libido was very high. Over time, her signs of depression have pretty much disappeared and so had her libido. Recently her libido has kicked into overdrive and maybe there is no connection what so ever, but if there is, it raises my concerns as to what I should be on the look out for from an outside point of view.

Also, hormonal fluctuations - in estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone - can be connected to changes in libido in women, and 2 pregnancies might have altered that.

Different methods of birth control can also affect mood and libido - has she changed birth control methods? Is she on birth control now? What was she using when her libido was good?

When we first met, she was getting the Depo-Provera shot (spelling ?). Shortly after we got together, she went off of that and it was pretty much hit or miss. (Apparently more hit than miss, as D5 was quickly on her way ) Her libido was good while on it and for quite some time after she went off. We planned D2, but her libido had already started dropping before the plan got underway Both pregnancies were very hard on my wife, so while in hospital for delivery of D2, wife went ahead and got the tubal ligation procedure done. Just as a good faith show of commitment to her and our marriage, I went ahead and got snipped as well.

Don't ignore the simple fact that being a mother of two is a tiring job too and sometimes there's just nothing left to give at the end of the day. How is her libido when you take her away for a romantic weekend for two?
Ellie

A romantic weekend for two......never heard of such a thing Not patting myself on the back, but with our work schedules, I end up watching the girls more than she does.

Thanks for coming over Ellie. Not much to go off of, just trying to familiarize myself with as much information as I can. No matter what happens with the wife, HD, LD, depression etc.. I'm ALWAYS going to be there for her. Just concerns at this point.