The one question that came to mind was, when you were having the EA, were you feeling better physically as well? I remember something about you feeling really good about yourself that one day, walking out to the mailbox or something? Did you seem to have more energy more almost "will to live," etc. Could you at least try to put that same energy into your H? Or is that completely gone?
That last question is almost the very thing my D asked me when she told me she found the IM on the computer between me and the OM.
Yes, I did have more energy, but as everyone on the board tells me, it was those "chemicals" that was deceiving me. Maybe I would have been out of a "flare" from the fibromyalgia anyway....who knows? But, as soon as I made up my mind to stay with my H and get rid of the OM....the flare returned.
I know how I must sound to everyone on the board. I sound like I am just not trying and if I would only put a little effort into my M then it would all be fine. I wished it was that easy. I wished I could think of a word picture or something to compare it to....but right now I can't. To fight the physical problems is about more than I can deal with and some days I just don't think I can handle much more. Yesterday was such an awful day. I have been sick the past two week-ends straight and the people at church that depend on me for certain jobs have been let down b/c I wasn't there to do my job. That depresses me and drains the energy even more. I try to talk to myself and tell myself that I can't help being sick and to stop beating myself to death, but somehow I seem to do it anyway.
I have said this before, but apparently nobody believes me.....I want to have a good R with my H. I'm just so tired and feel so crappy that I can't get motivated. I have no energy to do anything. How can life have much meaning when it takes all you've got to just try to make it through the work day?
Maybe it was "false chemicals" or whatever that was happening to me during the EA with OM. Whatever it was, it worked and now I don't even have that. I'm not saying that it was right! I'm just saying I had something then that I can't seem to get now.
I reading Michelle's SSM book and she says to "do it anyway". That is so very, very hard for me. My H knows me so well and he would know instantly if my heart was not in it. I don't think he would do it (have sex). I have already told about that in past thread.
Anyway, thanks for showing you care. As you can tell, I'm not on top of the world today. I feel rotten and just trying to hang in here. I appreciate you talking to me.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have no energy to do anything. How can life have much meaning when it takes all you've got to just try to make it through the work day?
drink a gatorade
Quote:
My H knows me so well and he would know instantly if my heart was not in it. I don't think he would do it (have sex). I have already told about that in past thread.
there is a BIG difference between "I'm tired", or, "I'm not horney", or "I dont want to", and various other excuses.
This is about CHOICES YOU MAKE, sandi. here are some questions. and they are NOT rhetorical ones:
1. Do you love your husband?
2. Do you like to make him feel good?
3. Do you like making him happy?
4. Do your voice and face muscles work? (ok, that one was rhetorical )
My point being... if you were at the point where you decided that you should "just do it".. It it was merely a matter of lacking energy, and "drive"... you are still 100% capable of inviting your husband to "party" with you, and then smiling at him, and telling him that you love hiim, and admiring him, and showing him with your voice and face that it makes you happy, to see him happy, and to feel him be with you.
But lack of energy/drive isnt the problem, is it?
I'm guessing you're still at the "creepy crawlies" stage. (and doing a problem avoidance dance :P )
So I'd suggest just get back to working on that.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I think, (at least I hope), that you were just trying to cheer me up. But that is the type of remarks my H makes. I take it that he does not consider my physical limitations.....condition...whatever you want to call it.....my desease.....serious. Those flip remarks hurt when a person is in a lot of pain and doesn't have the energy to get up and take a bath or wash the dishes or do anything. It may not be life threatening....but it can make you think about taking your life.
I am just tried of trying to make people believe me.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2 I know how I must sound to everyone on the board. I sound like I am just not trying and if I would only put a little effort into my M then it would all be fine.
Try this on for size Sandi. Am EA gives you or anyone else in that state enough "feel good chemicals" to do more things. Being depressed saps the "happy chemicals" that is what I hear. Not so much you should try harder.
I hear if you somehow were to get excited about some improvement in your M, maybe some of those "feel good/hopefulness chemicals" might reduce some symptoms you have.
The trick is how does a person with a situation like yours become up-beat enough to get a few of those hopeful/feel good chemicals flowing.
Some times trying things to see if they work, works. Sometimes trying things and failing drags a person down. You be the judge of what to try.
BTW, if I am interested in sex enough my back doesn't hurt much. During sex it doesn't bother me much. A day later, well sometimes I am fine, other times I feel the aches. What I am saying the buzz and anticipation about doing something that feels good or exciting somehow supresses the minor symptoms I have. I suppose the EA functioned simillarly for you.
I have been sick the past two week-ends straight and the people at church that depend on me for certain jobs have been let down b/c I wasn't there to do my job. That depresses me and drains the energy even more. Sounds like you need to take better care of Sandi.
I think if you could look at a review of your life (birth to death) you might do a few things differently.
Is serving the church is draining you in some way, what is wrong with working on improving Sandi's health?
Sandi, are you a human doing (mostly valued for what you do for others) or a human being (a person that has value)?
I am just tried of trying to make people believe me.
(((Sandi))) I believe you.
I have dealt with chronic pain myself and I know how difficult it is to live with day in and day out. cac understood, but others didn't get it because I was young and looked healthy. But like most everything else, if someone hasn't experienced a difficult situation first-hand, they don't really get it.
About Dom's drink Gator Aid comment, well I used to drink Mountain Dew (MD) to keep going. I am not saying it would work for you. It did help me.
I don't drink MD any more like I did in the past. It was a small crutch. I figured I was not doing myself a long-term favor, so I quit drinking several cans a day.
Some people use coffee, some Coke/Pepsi, some drink Dr Pepper to keep their energy and emotional level up. Caffeine and sugar, buzzzzzzz. You know. BTDT.
Sandi, I am not suggesting you drink anything. I am just saying it works for some people to a degree. Maybe it worked for Dom.
Some people use coffee, some Coke/Pepsi, some drink Dr Pepper to keep their energy and emotional level up. Caffeine and sugar, buzzzzzzz. You know.
Look, I appreciate what you all are saying, but to try to give you a "clue" as to what CHRONIC FATIGUE is all about....my doctor has me on a prescription of Amphetamine (I'm sure you know what that is!).....just so I can get out of bed every day and try to keep my job. I also take the caffine pills to help out the amphetamine b/c it is a low dose the doctor has me on. You would think that would have me so "jacked up" that I would be bouncing off the walls....but it doesn't! However, due to the FIBROMYALGIA......I can't sleep b/c that is a sleeping disorder (among other things)so I have to take strong sleeping pills to be able to sleep at night. Oh, and don't forget all the pain meds in between these two great prescriptions. And now, I am having to see my doctor about possible AD to boot. So, I have it all at one time or another......the "uppers and the downers"....that's what they really are.
As Mrs. CAC said, I "look" healthy as a horse, so nobody belives anything is really wrong. I have to put up with those attitudes at work all the time. "You just need to drink warm milk before bedtime, etc." "Have you tried soaking in a tub of hot water?" PLEASE!!!
Yes, I do believe that mental attitude has a lot to do with it....very, very much to do with it! But, that is partly why I come to you all looking for support.
I guess it does sound like I am just offering up "excuses" all the time. And, you are right, when I am unhappy it does drain the energy. Emotions are powerful! That is what I am trying to say here. When you feel "dead" on the inside....it is hard to try to make a dead body do what needs to be done. Have you ever worked with a corpse? It doesn't cooperate very well. You can scream all day long at it and tell it what it needs to do, but how much is it going to do if it is dead?
I just don't need to even post when I am this depressed. It gets everyone down. Thanks Mrs. CAC.......I needed the compassion.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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