I do have a question. Why is it they seem to think they really do love OP and tell the OP that they do love them?
If they are not capable of loving their own children as they should(for example) How can they love the OP?
Hi Kiki,
I think this is an excellent question...and I hope my thoughts about this makes sense. I think we project our feelings of love by thinking that our ex's love the same way we do. My ex told me he loved me. But his ideas of love and feelings involved in it were much different than mine.
I wonder if they truly know what love is. That's why this kind of thing hurts us so badly. And leaves us so confused. And also explains some of the no contact with children or real understanding of why everyone is so hurt. We think that they love the op with the same feelings that we would love someone. When in a lot of cases, it's may be just a r borne of dysfunction.
He also can't understand what all of the upset is about. I am sure he thinks my distress is an act.
when anyone says anthing to H he automatically fires the comment back at them without even pausing for thought. I remember in the early days (pre DB) I wrote him an e-mail that went something like,,,Why have you done this to our family, you will reap what you sew and he replied..It is YOu who have done this to our family. you will reap what you sew. You can not get him to accept any 'blame' at all. They can't change what they don't aknowlege...
NC
Be The Greener Grass.
Me 40 H 42 Son 11 Married 15 years. Left May 2006 after gambling spree I had EA August 2006 OW Aug 07 after another gambling spree (she will make me happy - stop me gambling!) I filed for divorce 9th April 2008.
Love is a word in the MLC'ers fantasy world...it isn't love that they have for the OP...not real love...it is a feel good feeling they have...they are confused....like a teenager with a crush... My H abandoned us all...he said he loved his children but that they didn't need him!?!?!...Okay, we had two adult D's...still living at home...still dependant on us...and our son, he was 9!...so who would say that a 9 year old boy doesn't need his father???....someone who is very confused...
My H summed it up this way when he returned and couldn't say he loved me...he quoted a scripture that basically says that a husband will love his wife as himself...then he said "How can I love you if I don't love myself?"...there in lies the crux of this whole thing...they are struggling with their own inner feelings of themselves...instead of focusing on that they run for something that makes them not have to feel what is inside...it all becomes external...
Nuttychick - my h takes this one stage further - my distress [according to him] has made things more 'difficult' for the children to accept what has happened. Inshort, their anger at him is my fault!!
However, as one of my sons said 'Mum if you hadn't been upset we would have thought you were as mad as dad' Which was reassuring.
Denial has the effect of making US feel crazy.
I think the inability to feel 'love' as we understand it is part of what makes sex so important to so many MLCers. They truly do confuse it with love.
I am pleased that this hasn't turned into a bash the OP thread. i think it shows a lot of self restraint on our parts!! Me too, Angelica.
I think we are mature enough to understand that these are the actions of 'some messed up people.' I worry that the op with my 'ex' will get completely destroyed from his antics. He almost destroyed who I was and I was very strong and independent. He told me after he left that I was the strongest person he had ever met.
His first wife was addicted to alcohol and narcotics.
I believe he ripped her to shreds after 17 years of marriage. People told me she was a beautiful girl at one time. It sounds far-fetched, but I know how he left me feeling. Like I was nothing and never meant anything to him.
