...read up on narcissitic personality disorder - I think you will see a lot of traits your h exhibits [I am not saying all MLCers have borderline narcissitc personality disorder] NPDers have a need for adulation that goes beyond what is normal. I always remember praising something my h had done - about ten years ago, and i said, 'I am not going over the top on this am I?'
and he replied'You should know by now that I can never have enough praise' He said it lightly, with a laugh, but I thnk there was a lot of truth in it. His parents never gave him much praise. If he got all As, and one A minus, they would want to knw why he had got an A minus!! He won prizes, scholarships, awards but they were dismissive. 'Didn't want him to get a swollen head' was how they put i. Well, our second son is very bright, and I do know how dangerous it can be to make a kid feel valued only for what they can do, or to make them feel 'better' than other people' But you can do it in a way that bolsters their self esteem.
I feel sorry for the parenting my h had.
A, I think my H suffers from this....oodles of praise from mommy dearest---the sun rose and set on him----and NONE from his dad. His dad did not even attend his HS graduation.
He needs an exorbitant amount of praise...he recently painted the garage floor and asked me about 5X "how did it look"...each time I told him "great, looks marvelous!"...and I meant it...but Criminy, how many times do i have to say it??? He doesn't compliment me about hardly anything. I don't need to be complimented as much though. I know if I did good, if I look okay, if the house is immaculate...just knowing it in MY MIND is many times, enough for me.
Geez, he is narcissistic.
I think Cinder's H and ACLL are very similar. They are both very unlikable people right now.
Aug '06: H moved out July '08: H had a kid with the OW May 12 '09: emancipation day
"Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." -Ferris Bueller
I certainly believe that we have established the need for praise and adulation as one particular component of MLC. My ex was balding and constantly made references to this. I told him he could shave his head and I would still think he was the sexiest man alive. This didn't help tho.
He couldn't stand for me to talk to anyone else, even women at times. He had to have constant attention. It will certainly drain you to have to constantly validate someone else.
The ow believes the sun rises and sets in him. A mutual friend said that she would lay herself in a mud puddle so he would not have to get his feet dirty. I think he found what he needed.
A: Another great thread topic with interesting discussion.
Quote:
If he got all As, and one A minus, they would want to knw why he had got an A minus!!
So very typical where I come from! My H definitely needs praise as well. FIL has never given any - and I mean NEVER. As children, H and siblings would get gifts, etc, but never any words of praise, even till today. FIL is major cause of H's MLC - how he raised them, how he was absent for much of their lives, FIL's relationship with MIL... the list goes on.
I know that I should support H more, but I feel so insincere when I do. H really messed things up this time and I can't bring myself to tell him he's doing a good job when I know the truth behind it all. Honestly, I feel that anything ogre has touched is tainted, and so far, it's proving to be true (i.e. H's restaurant). And I know for a fact that ogre is falling for all of H's disillussioned fantasies, being oh-so-supportive and fueling his ego. In my case, they both need a wake up call.
M: 33 MLC/WAH: 33 M 6 yrs, together 12 2 kids: 5,2 Bomb #1: 4/06 - "I don't love you anymore", almost S Bomb #2: 7/06 - EA/PA since late 05, kicked H out/S Bomb #3: 1/07 - "No longer have any feelings for you. It's over.", living w/OW, no talk of D
Mickey - do you think one of them might get bored with this? Problem is with narcissicists is that [ideally] they want praise from people they respect. If he loses respect for the OW her praise won't be what he wants
Gosh, Angelica....I just don't know. I have been so confused about this whole mess, I've had to try to take a break from thinking it through.
He wanted to know...before he married her...if he could call me from time to time to see how I was. I told him no. Any conversation we had had after he met her was all about him, what he was doing in new job, etc. I felt our r was so one-sided prior to his meeting her anyway. I didn't feel any desire to have contact with him. I was so hurt and he was so insensitive.
My son told me that 'ex' was angry that I wouldn't see him or talk to him so he made certain I knew about his marriage to her the day before the 'wedding'. He sent his D18 to tell us. He was either real pleasant or mad and vindictive throughout our r. Nothing in between.
This is a really intriguing thread, and I've been thinking a bit before posting.
I'm wondering if we can't really generalize about the OPs any more than we can about the MLCers. And perhaps the OP "type" depends on the "MLC" type. This seems to be the case in the sitch with my XH.
My XH is what Laura Day calls a "denial" type. Here is XH in a nutshell, quoted from Laura Day's "Welcome to your Crisis":
"You'll know that you are the denial type if something has happened in yor life that would floor most people, but it hasn't even fazed you. You don't think about it or mourn your loss; you simply move on."
This is my XH, and it appears to be Spider OW as well. Interestingly, this is what my T told me often happens: a person has an affair with a person of his/her own type, because that doesn't demand or require growth or accomodation. In contrast, a person marries someone of complementary type, because of the opportuntiy for growth. This seems to be the case with my XH.
Hope I haven't rambled too far afield. But my XH has the classic "qualifications" you mentioned, terrible unresolved childhood and adolescent abandonment issues.
These have been wonderful threads. It is nice to share with so many smart, savvy women.
"You'll know that you are the denial type if something has happened in yor life that would floor most people, but it hasn't even fazed you. You don't think about it or mourn your loss; you simply move on."
This describes my 'ex'. He jumped into another r and then realized he had not 'mourned his loss.' His ow went from an 11 year live-in r and met 'ex' less than 3 months after that ending. He called me not long after he moved in with her and told me he loved me. He told a friend he didn't expect to discover that. He threw himself into a new career with a huge amount of his mother's money at stake. This kind of pressure keeps his mind occupied. He is extremely intelligent but has the eq of about a middle school age boy. Not being mean, just honest here.
Sorry for the mispost about this being Mickey's thread. I knew it was your thread but must have mistakened typed Mickey, seeing her name in the most recent post.
At any rate, I do still think it is fascinating. Although at least in my case, it doesn't do me much good to spend too much time ruminating about either one of them, XH or OP. Which I confess I have been lately.
Yes Almost...I see your point about the similarities between them. Kindred spirits. It just may work.
For me, I want something different in a serious relationship.
I understand what you mean about the ruminating. I find that when I am, it is because there seems to be a block that is keeping me from moving forward. I come to the boards in hopes of finding some 'push' forward. I get so agitated at times and wonder what it's about. There is more good in store for you Dear.
Well my H definitely had a crisis of all crisis's... He suffered at the hands of abusive adults as a small child...when I say suffered I really mean he was abused...emotionally, sexually, and physically...he always seemed to have dealt with it ok and went through life without much problem...
UNTIL!!!...things started not working out the way he wanted...he lost his career job...became self employed and it wasn't working...we lost everything...then I think in an attempt to make himself feel like he was worth something (I worked and supported him but he says I didn't...that is where we don't agree but don't argue anymore about it)...he found an OW, 14 years younger, with small children, in an abusive (according to her) relationship and became involved online with her...then he did the unthinkable to everyone who knew him...he left his family, friends, faith and went to her...
Before all was said and done...the A didn't last...lots of reasons why but mostly I always knew she was wrong for him...she smoked, had screaming small kids(our 2 oldest were adults and we had a 9 year old son...all at home but not screamers)...also she had been married 2 or 3 times and always to men of a different race...so her children didn't look like her and definitely would not have looked like H even though she said she wanted him to raise them as his own...anyway...enough about OW
H really hit rock bottom...started drinking more...became reclusive to the point that he didn't even call his son or see him for months at a time...he lived on credit whish is why he will now have to file bankruptcy...he lost 2 cars to repo...he lost most of his belongings to roommates because he couldn't pay rent after all his credit was in default...he lost his business investments because he couldn't support his side of the deals...he hit rock bottom...
It was at the bottom that he held his hand out to me and allowed me to help...he got medical help for his physical problems...he emotional help for his past...he got help for his alcoholism...and he got help for depression...he was a total and complete mess when he came home...but I saw my old H when I looked in his eyes (at times)...and I had faith that he would return...
My H became someone he would have never associated with...he became someone he didn't even want his kids around...he such self loathing for everything he did...and much of stemmed from his childhood...this still concerns me because the doctors were very quick to believe he has handled those issues...I am not so sure...
His OW...she was needy...but supportive...she was younger...and submissive...her catch phrase that stuck with him is "You always make the right decissions"....she even acknowledged to him after he came home that she always knew he would return to me...she has a new man in her life so I hope to never hear from her again...she didn't seem all to interested in keeping contact with H from what I read in an email she sent almost a year ago...basically she said she would be there if he needed her but that she was happy and didn't want to mess up yet another relationship of her own...her children were happy and she had a home that she always wanted...I think that she thought she was getting something more with H...I also think that she thought he would move to her...she mentioned about her new man that he was local...a point that I think she wanted to stress to H...
Do I think she was a bad person...not in that she meant to cause me pain...but I don't think she could be the perfect woman that H made her out to be because she did sleep with a man she knew was married...she did so even after finding out that I was in shock over all that was happening...that things between us had not seemed bad...it was everything else that was falling apart...H said she did feel guilt about me and that dampened things between them...I don't know...she has been through a lot of men and fathers of her children to be blameless in those failings...the writing was on the wall as far as I was concerned...she was used to make H feel like a man...to feel needed....to feel wanted...to feel something that he thought was lacking with us...I think he found out it wasn't me...and that his misery was something in him and he needed to deal with it...or he would never be happy...
Whew...a lot came out here...this is an interesting subject...bottom line I think the OP is a bandaid of sorts...and a drug of choice...sought out to make the MLC feel good...sometimes the bandaid sticks...sometimes it falls off...
