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Having another bad night so just journaling...

No contact from H since Saturday night. Although usual as he works 12 shift Sun, Mon, Tue, and everyother Sat nights. Se easy for him to keep to himself. He was here yesterday though while I was at work. Working on combine I guess. He did call me to get number for garage as his pick up wouldn't start. Conv was short. H sounds so down.

Am trying to come up with something to do this weekend so I don't sit home and wait for him to call or take it upon myself to go to him. Trying to go back a little and give him more space. Afraid I have begun to pursue a little lately and think it's too soon.

Some think my H may be coming around as he has been inviting me to places lately or dropping in to visit. I really don't know and am trying not to read too much into it. Could be he's just cycling or touch and going. Who knows, just know it's really hard and he still needs more time.

Praying for you all...

Thinking of maybe taking girls to movie and out to eat this weekend. Money has been increasinly dwindling away with all the other expense (H place) and him making less money(demotion). So I have been really careful on my spending but, I think we need this so am really thinking we might.

H was here when I got home today working on machinery. I didn't acknowlege him. Went into house for awhile then left to go to school conferences. I guess H came in house and chatted with D13. Didn't say too much she said it was awkward. She did say that he asked where I went. Asked what time conferences were. Then asked again like 2 more times.

Weird. Course me being me, I analyzed. Why? Maybe he was thinking of going to? (Never has so I doubt it) Or, has he got plans with OW and wanted to know where I was at what times so as not to be seen?

God I hate this!!!!

Anyway, had a good day at work and really trying to stay upbeat and keeping H out of my head at least some of the day.

H in the fields combining today. I stood at my kitchen door and watched him in the field down the road. Oh how I wanted to go see him. To ride in the combine with him. To call him and see how things were going or if he needed anything.

Nothing, I did nothing.

H did come in tonight to visit with his nephew that was here visiting me. He really didn't say to much to me and seems to back making no eye contact with me. I was pleasant but didn't stay too much to him either.

It really doesn't matter anymore.

Hi toh.

Good for you. I know times like that are hard. Try to take it a step further for yourself, and be busy with other interests so that you aren't having to fight those urges so much or as often.

Well, it really does.... matter, that is. As a smart DBer says.... you matter.

Sounds like you handled that good. Try to work on feeling great with and about yourself, regardless of the attention he is paying you. Believe that you are loved. Because you are.

I think it would be Ok to make small talk about the stuff he is doing around the house or with the kids. Don't mention OW ever! Don't even act like she exists or comment on anything that would even set a convo about R stuff. Light and pleasant.

I agree with MK. Don't bring up OW or any R talk. Try and establish safe non-confrontational contact when communication opens up a little. For now, continue to lay low. Good job controlling those urges. It is so hard, isn't it?

I am very pleasant around H. Even funny somewhat, or flirty maybe. I try not to talk too much. Just enough to keep conv. going as he is not too much of a talker. Try to just listen when he is talking.

We do just talk about farm stuff, or work, or kids, or extended family stuff.

And by no means do I talk about R or OW or anything personal. Haven't done this in quite awhile. I don't believe what he says, and don't like what he says so I just stopped asking and talking about it.

Last night when he was in the field I looked in his truck to check his check book. (He knows I do this as I need to know what checks he's written). I found a woman from towns' phone #. It really bothered me. I so so wanted to ask him why he had it. I asked his brother if he'd know why. He said no unless he was looking at her house as it's for sale. Then I really wondered. But I still did not ask, again afraid of his answers.

Later I asked his sister. I guess the woman is his neighbor. She works at the auto store in town. H picked up his truck there the other day and she introduced herself and gave it to him. Didn't sound as though he was interested though. Who knows? I wanted to call the B***h and tell her to leave my H alone. Of course I can't but...

I hate all this....!

People in glass houses (me) shouldn't say anything, but no more snooping. I really struggle with this, trust me. I'm always backsliding here. Ask anyone. I am borderline stalker, but the truth is snooping is only going to drive you crazy. Plus the info you get is just a little piece of the big picture. Then you have to speculate to try and figure it out. You will probably never know if the conclusions you draw are right.

You can't control what he does or who he is with at this point. It sucks, but it is true. Just keep trying to focus on your GAL and doing what you are doing. Also, I would recommend not asking his family questions. It will get back to him, and he will know you were looking into his business. This will only make you look bad and be considered pursuing. Trust me, btdt. Plus, although you may feel they are your family too, eventually they will most likely feel like they have to cover for their brother. Don't put them in that sitch if you want to maintain positive relations with them. They will only resent you.

Have a great day.

Thanks Neph,

I know that you are right about the snooping and I have stopped for the most part. Hurts me too much and like you said, I just come to my own conclusions when I really have no "real" idea what is going on.

I wasn't really snooping when I found the number. It was there on top of his check book. I guess the snooping part came about when I started investigating why he had it. But really why wouldn't I? I am still married to this man in my heart.

Went to work yesterday and when I got to town the OW(B***h) was at the gas station.(I really really think something is up that she now all of a sudden is out in the open so much). Me being me, I HAD to go to the gas station. When I walked into the door she glared at me as if to say "F**k Y**! I just stared back with a smile. I stood behind her at the counter for about 5 min. (seemed like forever) I was so proud of myself.

I will not hide from this woman. I will not, not go into a place because she is there. I have done NOTHING wrong (and this is the truth not like her saying that she hasn't). My H has still not filed for D and we are still sleeping together on occasion (Almost weekly) I will hold my head up and go on and be okay.If H decides to end our M and be with this wh*re than it is what it is, but I will be okay. I will not let her control my life in any other way.

I and friends think that one of 2 things are going on.

1) That they are no longer seeing each other and she is trying to bait me into doing something to her to draw him back to her.

2) That together they are trying to get me to do something to her to get me into trouble.

For what ever reason this skank has come out of hiding it really makes no difference. I will under NO circumstances do something that would most definately end my chances of getting my H back. The ONLY reason that I am concerned about this b***h at all is because I do not know if they are still seeing each other or not. If they are then there really is no point in doing what I've been doing with H until it is over with her. If they are done then it will be okay.

I wish that I could find out for sure. Then I would better know where I stand and I could forget about this b***h!

H's brother and sister think that it is over between them, I really don't know. A few signs lead me to maybe believe them. First of all when H seen this OW before, after it was over, when she would run into me she would always just Glare at me. Like she did yesterday. (Like I'm the one that done her wrong!) Also I have heard that this woman is a neat freak, H house at first was pretty spotless, almost like a womans touch around the place. Last couple times I've been there it was pretty bachlor like (real messy last night). Also H has been leaving his phone out in the open and on when he is around me or I am at his house. Before it was hidden and off.

But there are signs that maybe still going on. Could be my own thoughts running away with me. H and OW are off work Wed and Thurs. nights. If I see him on the morn after those nights he looks horid and real tired. Like he's been up all night. If he goes to brothers house or some where he usually goes "home" early like before 10 pm. 3 weeks ago (last time I checked his phone)H had his alarm set for 1:30 am. And yesterday morning was it just a coincidence that she was out and about at 7:20 am and that is the time that H showed up at our place. Usually doesn't come around till after 9 or 10 am.

Sorry all I guess I'm just venting. Trying to get these thought out and off my brain. I really wish I just knew for sure....